tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-23323245778266541772024-03-14T03:18:46.661-04:00The Radioactive Adventures of Cancer BoyArmandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.comBlogger147125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-84796676003584362922010-04-10T13:35:00.001-04:002010-04-10T13:35:54.314-04:00Apr. 10<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/4507836825/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4062/4507836825_c0829fed34_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/4507836825/">Apr. 10</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Almost a year, almost halfway there. <br /><br />In a year's time, I'll probably start feeling a bit safer. Two years of high risk, they say. Then again, they say a lot of crap.<br /><br />I'm trying to fight off the end of a monster cold. It's day 13, and my chest is still not happy with me. I'm writing this for two reasons - one, a humble apology/explanation for my googly-eyed photo, and two, colds result in swollen lymph nodes, and it takes all I've got not to start freaking the hell out. <br /><br />So, how's everyone else doing?<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-8779443204342052732010-03-18T14:39:00.003-04:002010-03-18T14:41:16.771-04:00Mar. 18<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/4443840166/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2704/4443840166_78c30f51c1_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/4443840166/">Mar. 18</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Hello world.<br /><br />Still alive. <br /><br />Occasional check-ups at the hospital suck. I hate being back there. Alas, I'll take the occasional checkups over the once frequent visits.<br /><br />I hope you are all well, here in cancer blog land. <br /><br />I'm going back in hiding, now. <br /><br />I'm sort of like a meteor shower, or perhaps a unicorn, like that.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-68263210383601826122009-07-13T15:37:00.001-04:002009-07-13T15:37:54.002-04:00Jul. 13<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3717196695/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3530/3717196695_f38fefde49_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3717196695/">Jul. 13</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Hello forgotten blog. It's been a while.<br /><br />As of the 9th, I've finished 16 rounds of chemotherapy. That's more than anyone should ever have to do, and it's more than I care to ever remember.<br /><br />I'm tired and grumpy and everything hurts. I've started having pain in my hips and the bones in my thighs after the last few rounds, and this last time was no exception.<br /><br />But I'm mostly over all that. I'm starting to bounce back a bit. Still tired and shellshocked, but I'm bouncing back.<br /><br />I have a CT scan coming up to document the size of the nodes after "eight cycles of ABVD". I have a PET scan coming up to gauge glucose uptake, and perhaps lead to radiation.<br /><br />15 percent chance of recurrence in the next two years.<br />If PET is clean, 2-3 percent chance of recurrence.<br /><br />Just thought I'd write to thank all those who continue to offer support. I'm sorry I'm running away, but it's pretty much all I know how to do now. I don't update anymore, I got rid of my facebook account, I've deleted a bunch of old email addresses, etc. If I could get away with canceling my cellphone plan, I would. <br /><br />Life's good, except for when I remember that there is no day in sight when I won't think about cancer. My life changed for ever, and it did not change for the better.<br /><br />I did some reading on radiation side-effects, and how if it hits the lungs, it causes breathing problems, and if it hits the esophagus, it makes it hard to swallow, causes constant heartburn and coughing fits. I read how people who had radiation for hodgkin's in the past came out with a variety of cancers afterwards. Yeah, I'm pretty depressed about the whole affair.<br /><br />Also, I thought I'd share a brief non-cancer anecdote. The other day, I was waiting at a red light to turn left. A bus tried to squeeze past me and turn right. In the process, it mangled the front right corner of my car. Then the police officer who came to file the report took my driver's license, and promptly lost it. Now my car's in the shop. I have no car, I have no ID... Tip of the ice berg.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com27tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-30196819122551564492009-06-08T08:24:00.001-04:002009-06-08T08:24:11.600-04:00June 08<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3607324562/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3320/3607324562_c81027b317_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3607324562/">June 08</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Oh hello there, forgotten blog.<br /><br />So I've been busy. Attempting to get ready for Vancouver, which is now in just over a week, working on various things around the house, trying to pull a manuscript out of my thesis (though some would argue that I'm pulling it out of... somewhere else)... It's been keeping me pretty full.<br /><br />Tomorrow is round 14 of chemo. I'm back to only needing about 10 hours of sleep per night, now, but the week after, I find I need about 13 to function.<br /><br />I've always hated chemotherapy, but before, I really felt like it did some good. Now it just makes me miserable and tired and useless. Pooey. But I'd be lying if I said I don't look forward to a couple of days of sitting on the couch, catching up on some movie watching. I've been way too busy.<br /><br />I suspect the blogging thing is more or less up for me. I'm sure it's not the last update, and for all I know, my life might become more exciting and I'll write more, but since the cancer thing is done -- and by no means am I sad about that -- I just don't have much to say, anymore. At least not to the masses.<br /><br />I started to write here because I wanted to help others in my shoes. I've lamented over this before -- especially with lymphoma, there <i>are no resources</i>. I've encountered maybe three other people who have/had the same cancer over the last eight months, and not one of them in person. I wanted to provide a bit of a safe haven, if I may be so grandiose. I wanted to help people understand that it's not the end of the world. Or maybe warn them that it is, in case things went to hell for me. <br /><br />Perhaps as a function of both my tenacious desire for privacy/anonymity, and some self deprecating notion that my life is <i>boring</i>, I don't really feel comfortable writing about every detail.<br /><br />I'm trying to piece my life back together now. I know I'm jumping the gun, because I've yet to even finish chemotherapy. I've got one more month and a day. I don't even feel like "cancer boy" anymore. After this, I can't even pass as "chemo lad".<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-67904713878678671952009-05-25T14:02:00.001-04:002009-05-25T14:02:40.989-04:00May 25<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3563030335/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2269/3563030335_812f075c58_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3563030335/">May 25</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Just finished a small mound of articles that I've been reading, and came up with an additional 3 sources to check out. But soon, soon, I may begin writing.<br /><br />Had my doc's appointment today. Opted for an additional four rounds of chemotherapy (bringing the total to a whopping sixteen). I'm not happy about that, but I'm not crushed, either. As per my last CT scans, my largest lymph nodes are down to .7cm. That's half what they were a short while ago. If protocol is to go two cycles (four rounds) past the time of remission, then I think it's very much a good idea.<br /><br />Remission. Heh... I'm in remission. I beat this fucking obscure little cancer that barely has any literature on it, because, well, I'm guessing since there's not a lot of sufferers, it wouldn't sell. When I was first diagnosed, I bought a Chemotherapy and Radiation for Dummies book, because it mentioned Hodgkin's. I also bought a hardcover, limited edition of Where the Wild Things Are. The latter was a much better use of money. <br /><br />I'm having a grumpy moment here, so excuse the profanity (and its mere presence will be quite shocking, I'm sure)... But fuck this stupid cancer. I'm glad that if I <i>had</i> to get get sick, I at least got a rather curable one, but for some reason, it hasn't hit me until now. I had no fucking resources to tap into. Thank you, wikipedia. Your statistics sure do provide comfort on lonely nights. <br /><br />At least I got a cool purple ribbon out of it. <br /><br />Ahem.<br /><br />I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, anymore. I need to get back to work. It's chemo #13 tomorrow, so I'd better get my stuff sorted out today.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-61140572390568612642009-05-22T16:09:00.002-04:002009-05-22T16:10:22.920-04:00May 22<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3554258427/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3396/3554258427_af7ccac07c_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3554258427/">May 22</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>So, long story short, blah blah blah, I still don't get to find out whether I'm done chemo until Monday.<br /><br />But oh yeah, this is a rather small detail, you know, rather trivial, but it would seem I beat cancer. You know, one of those things.<br /><br />If the facetiousness of that statement hasn't dripped onto the floor and left a sizable puddle just yet, well, allow me to spell it out. I'm fucking <i>ecstatic</i>. <br /><br />So happy, in fact, that I spontaneously <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3554258361/">grew hair</a>!<br /><br />The fact that it's the same colour as <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3554258227/">Melissa's</a> has <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3554258293"/>nothing to do with it</a>.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-70442734592252825202009-05-18T22:15:00.001-04:002009-05-18T22:15:58.955-04:00May 18<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3543904459/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2229/3543904459_a29390f25f_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3543904459/">May 18</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>So I decided to switch it up with the facial hair. I was trying to maximize the skeeze factor, but still not go full-out linebeard. That's just not cool. Anyway, Melissa detests it. Because I'm somewhat of an awful person, and draw pleasure from others' misery, I very much enjoy it. <br /><br />You know, I think this is the first time my chin has seen the light of day since I was 17 or so. <br /><br />I'd like to stop having nightmares about cancer. The other night I dreamt lymph nodes in my neck were so swollen, that my throat was threatening to close up. I've been having a bit of trouble breathing -- not sure if it's chemo attacking lungs, or a mild chest cold. That's been leading to lung cancer nightmares. Muscles and joints have been aching. I dream of swollen, blackened limbs. I really wish I could get all this to stop, already.<br /><br />My teeth hurt. I'm clenching my jaw all the time.<br /><br />So... uh... life's good, yeah.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-53323352562058635362009-05-15T21:52:00.001-04:002009-05-15T21:52:02.145-04:00May 15<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3535081024/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2337/3535081024_789ac1a085_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3535081024/">May 15</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Fuck fatigue. Same with cancer, same with chemo, etc. Lots o humpin' to go around. Vicious, angry, spiteful humping. <br /><br />I slept about 15 hours today, and I'm ready for more bed. I got nothing done. Just slept. When I'm not asleep, I'm feeling exhausted and drowsy. I think my bone marrow must be pretty much clear by now.<br /><br />I feel like my body is a rolled up sheet of copy paper, and a mere flick could fold it in half. I'm <i>miserable</i>.<br /><br />But today, for the first time, I had morels for dinner. Oh sweet lord, those are yummy. <br /><br />Also, I make poor decisions. It's hard for me to keep up with the blogging, but I've hopped on the twitter bandwagon, and I can update that more easily from my phone. <a href="http://twitter.com/angry_giant">And lo, I tweet</a>.<br /><br />As a final cancer note for this entry, I think the chemo is starting to attack my lungs. I'm having a bit of difficulty breathing. I don't like it. I want to be done.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-63503878288409707932009-05-14T09:28:00.002-04:002009-05-14T09:30:28.970-04:00May 14<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3530316161/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2466/3530316161_898a8ba385_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3530316161/">May 14</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>I've been meaning to write an entry for some time, but I've been very busy playing catch-up with work, and before I knew it, chemo hit, and it all went to hell... Again...<br /><br />I had my CT scan. That went okay, until the contrast hit and I ended up throwing up inside the machine. Not so fun. Had my Gallium scan. That was uneventful. All glory to Steve Jobs and the wonder of the iPhone. Music sure does make a 2.5 hour scan go by rather quickly. Then came chemo #12. My port stared fucking up -- couldn't draw blood out of it before the chemo, but at least they could push, and I got the fucking poison, no problem.<br /><br />Now I get to wait about a week to find out whether I require additional chemotherapy. I really hope I'm done.<br /><br />But, then again, I have a rather horrid suspicion that I'm not done yet. My doctor wants to make the "right decision" which, I realize is the one that's most likely to keep me alive, but it's also the one that makes me the most miserable.<br /><br />I've become a bit frustrated with the gym thing. It's not my goal to become some muscle-bound idiot -- it's not a particularly appealing look, I don't think, and I don't much have the frame to support it. That being said, muscle gain has been rather lacking. Then I did some reading. <i>Chemo patients, listen up, this is in your best interest!</i><br /><br />The average person requires 0.8 grams of protein per kilogram of healthy weight per day in order to prevent muscle wasting. A chemo patient requires a full 1.5 grams of protein per kilogram of healthy weight per day! That's almost double!<br /><br />Given my weight, I discovered that I would need to consume roughly half a kilogram of lean pork per day, to prevent muscle wasting. No wonder I'm barely <i>building</i> any muscle. <br /><br />Also, whey protein is a precursor to... Some compound, I forget... Which allegedly helps prevent some cancers. Drink up me hearties, yo ho.<br /><br />Also, in living with Melissa, I've inherited <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3531149966/">a cat. A rather stupid cat.</a> But I love him so.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-87618597602132198602009-05-05T15:41:00.001-04:002009-05-05T15:41:11.232-04:00May 05<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3504651101/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3579/3504651101_c61b782a45_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3504651101/">May 05</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>And a customarily belated update.<br /><br />- Melissa and I are going to Vancouver! I'm presenting some research at a conference, and it sounds like a great excuse to a) meet up with some of Melissa's relatives in BC, b) check out the UBC campus, and c) travel a bit!<br />- Fatigue is <i>really</i> setting in. I need a minimum of 10 hours of sleep per night. <br />- ...<br /><br />You know, I thought I'd have more to say. <br /><br />So it goes. It goes. ... Shrug?<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-92033258557821676082009-04-30T14:09:00.002-04:002009-04-30T16:01:13.172-04:00Apr. 30<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3489428996/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3306/3489428996_a5079200a8_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3489428996/">Apr. 30</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>I don't know if it's my generally pallid colouring, or if it's the fact that I've recently buzzed my hair shorter than ever, but I feel like I actually look like a "cancer victim" these days.<br /><br />Could just be that I feel like absolute crap after chemo#11. <br /><br />I have bright spots where I get stuff done -- I've swept today... That's kind of an accomplishment... But my batteries are much too drained to actually get out of the house and go to work. I guess this week's a coma week, and next week I'll play catch-up.<br /><br />I had really messed up dreams last night. I dreamt I was swimming to Montreal (...??), and all was going well, until I got trapped under some fallen pillars and began to drown. When I got my heart rate back down and fell back asleep, I guess I made it to Montreal, and was shooting a music video for the Beastie Boys, all the while stealing donuts and playing with a Batarang. <br /><br />I want a Batarang. Donuts, not so much.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-84990680989287292902009-04-29T14:20:00.003-04:002009-04-29T14:22:25.949-04:00Apr. 29<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3486831544/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3568/3486831544_0719de407a_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3486831544/">Apr. 29</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Eleven rounds of chemo down.<br /><br />Had visit with the doc on Monday. She says I very well might end up with an additional four rounds, bringing my total to 16. Not happy.<br /><br />Will redo CT and gallium scan. Foremost, gallium must show no cancer. Then, I can only hope that CT will show <I>no</I> decrease. No decrease means that lymph nodes are the size they are, and chemo is not affecting that anymore. That means chemo's done all it can do, and it's up to the body to reabsorb scar tissue. That means chemo ends on the 12th of May. <br /><br />If lymph nodes decreased, then I need the extra four rounds, because chemo is still working, just too fucking slow.<br /><br />Not happy.<br /><br />If gallium shows cancer, then, well, then I'm fucked.<br /><br />Stick this in your ear:<br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2gdbQpESNY">Crystal Castles - Crimewave</a><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T2gdbQpESNY">Does it Offend You, Yeah? - Being Bad Feels Pretty Good</a><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tf_Rv0hCF6I">Does it Offend You, Yeah? - We Are Rockstars</a><br /><br />Also, <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUKSLqhRqbI">Crank: High Voltage</a> is great.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-71176805475298170032009-04-22T12:08:00.001-04:002009-04-22T12:08:41.665-04:00Apr. 22<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3466045376/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3643/3466045376_21287cfbd1_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3466045376/">Apr. 22</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>So, it's confirmed. My grandfather has stomach cancer. Also, somewhere along the chain of info, things got messed up -- my grandmother doesn't have Parkinson's, she has Alzheimer's. I had to crack up at the fact that someone along the way essentially "forgot" the Alzheimer's diagnosis. Then again, I laugh at some pretty grim things. I always used to say, "Armand puts the FUN back in FUNERAL."<br /><br />I'm <i>tired</i> of all this. So, so, very tired. I just really don't want cancer in my life anymore... I understand it's just something that happens -- everyone has to die of something -- but I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I never got involved with <a href="http://imtooyoungforthis.org/">I'm Too Young For This</a> because it never felt right. I don't like being apart of a group just because I happen to fall within its parameters for membership. Although it's just more bitching about cancer, I choose to read the "cancer blogs" I follow because of something that has to do with the writers, not their illness. <br /><br />I'm fatigued. My skin has had it with me. I think it will soon just abandon me and find a healthier host who will treat it nicer. I am not as petrified of chemo #11 as I was of #10, because the last one went quite easy, but I don't want to go see my doctor again. I don't want to sit around for hours on end, waiting for poison to filter into me. I don't want to answer questions about my body. I want to forget about my body, actually... Yeah, that'd be nice.<br /><br />Ah well. Trapped in space and time, here I am. <br /><br />Yesterday, despite craptacular news, Melissa and I actually had a pretty fun time. She had the day off work, so I took it off as well, so we could get a bunch of stuff done around the house. The bookcase I've been threatening to assemble for the past two weeks is still in pieces, but the living room is almost livable. There are no more empty boxes and bags and whatnot, sitting all over the place. We took a run out to to a couple of second-hand stores to drop off a bunch of things we needed to jettison. Went by a fabric store to look at potential drapery for the living room (oh yeah, pure white douppioni silk to go with red and espresso furniture? I think so). All the while, had yummy eats and planned out the rest of the apartment in excruciating detail. <br /><br />*sigh* I'm sometimes puzzled by the things which bring me joy.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-35776582376025209272009-04-20T22:17:00.001-04:002009-04-20T22:17:58.966-04:00Apr. 20<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3461531992/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3617/3461531992_9ff635c6bd_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3461531992/">Apr. 20</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>I had a strange revelation today...<br /><br />If I were any other species, I would be dead by now. I mean, there's no chemotherapy for slugs. If a slug got cancer, it'd be one dead slug. Hell, even as a human being, I'm alive only because I happen to be in a part of the world, and in the right conditions, that I can receive treatment. Usually, when it comes to health and illness, you either get better, or you don't. I "should not" have gotten better. I would not, had it not been for outside intervention. I guess the same applies for inoculation from childhood illnesses and the like, but I can't help but feel as though in a way I've cheated death.. Like I was supposed to be part of the "early death rate" -- some statistic of sorts... I feel like I'm in a shitty film, expecting death to hunt me down now. <br /><br />Or maybe I'm just crazy. Either's possible.<br /><br />I'm also kind of frustrated with the all too slow progress I'm seeing from going to the gym. Then again, my diet is pretty lousy. Oh well. I'll be all healthy when I can safely say I've made cancer my bitch.<br /><br />Good night, sleep tight. Hiss hiss, I'm in your muffler.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-62658489080399768442009-04-19T22:29:00.001-04:002009-04-19T22:29:44.453-04:00Apr. 19<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3457314101/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3558/3457314101_a64bc7c73c_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3457314101/">Apr. 19</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>So sleepy...<br /><br />Here's life, in point form.<br /><br />- Fatigue is starting to affect day-to-day functioning. Early nights are common. Gym visits are shorter.<br />- Chemo #10 was actually pretty easy on me. No hurling. No major misery the days after. <br />- I'm turning into a fucking recluse. <br />- The new place is coming along slowly. There's a ton of work to do still, but we're grossly limited by time... and energy...<br />- Apologies to those I've ignored -- in "real life", or just here in the old blogosphere<br />- I want to learn to program for the iPhone<br />- I'm so sick of "the cancer". <br /><br />I'm sick of "the cancer", and here are three reasons, in chronological order.<br />- I hate the treatment.<br />- I no longer identify with the illness, or with being ill.<br />- I found out that my paternal grandfather is suspected of having stomach cancer.<br /><br />Found that last bit out on the same day (today), as the day I learned that my maternal grandmother has been recently diagnosed with Parkinson's. <br /><br />You know what, life? Fuck you. Fuck you hard.<br /><br />-- a million years ago, there was a skit on Conan O'Brien, where they replaced the words "excuse me" with yelling "AH-BAH!". <br /><br />I want to shove into people, yelling "AH-BAH!"<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-15393741168540906962009-04-13T12:17:00.001-04:002009-04-13T12:17:37.497-04:00Apr. 13<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3437941857/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3654/3437941857_770b816f14_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3437941857/">Apr. 13</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Taking a quick break at work, and thus blogging. I think we've got an internet connection now, but haven't had the chance to test that. <br /><br />I'm so sick of the cancer stuff... Thoughts of treatment send me into full panic, and the stress of it is getting to me. My stomach hurts again a fair bit. That may also be attributed to the lactose bit. Seems lactaid isn't doing the trick anymore, and I end up with the worst stomach pain, regardless. <br /><br />I only have to think of chemo #9 tomorrow, and I start freaking out... I'll be doping up on ativan and benadryl, and I'll hopefully just sleep through everything. Three more... Three more... Just three more. As of yesterday, I'll be done in a month.<br /><br />I was talking to a friend, and he made a passing comment -- "...you have cancer"... Hearing it in present tense seemed wrong. I haven't been told that I'm in remission, but I just can't conceive the thought of me still being sick. <br /><br />I've decided that, for better or worse, if I require additional chemotherapy, I will elect to take a break for one month. If they don't like it, I just won't go. I have no idea how I'm going to get through three more treatments, as is. I need a break. My body needs a break. My mind needs a break. One more month. <br /><br />Once again, I am so very thankful for all the help and support I've been receiving from everybody -- thank you. I could not do this without all your support.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-842367792706161372009-04-06T03:06:00.002-04:002009-04-30T15:59:02.438-04:00Apr. 06<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3417552222/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3339/3417552222_f3c405bf2d_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3417552222/">Apr. 6</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Why hello again.<br /><br />So it's 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. So I'm doing work, and I figure I'll duck out from actual work work early tomorrow, instead. Maybe catch up on sleep.<br /><br />We painted the living room (behind me) white. No longer babyshit yellow. We've assembled furniture (some of which is behind me. Go go gadget crappy IKEA bookshelf). There is much work to do.<br /><br />Blogging will likely continue to be scarce, as I spend most of my time at the new place, and we don't have the internet hooked up yet. I'm currently just being a good neighbour, and stealing someone else's connection. However, it craps out every few seconds, and even when it works, it's slow as all hell.<br /><br />A note regarding my last entry. I forgot to mention Wendy. Wendy helped with the move. I'm an ass-troll for forgetting that. Wendy, you get to punch me in the arm. <br /><br />Okay. Back to work. Only three hours until the first alarm goes off. <br /><br />Oh, last note... Out the very large window to my right (heehee!), I can see something dreadful. It's snowing! <i>Snowing!</i> No moooore!!! I think a good chunk of why I want chemotherapy to be over is because by then, at least the weather will be nice again!<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-4860181517113855402009-04-02T10:44:00.001-04:002009-04-02T10:44:34.494-04:00Apr. 02<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3407172686/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3566/3407172686_cda919fe19_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3407172686/">Apr. 02</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Hah. Not dead yet.<br /><br />First off, I'd like to thank everyone for the encouragement I've received in regards to the medical news. I find it hard to be as optimistic as most others, as I was quite honestly hoping for a clear remission. But I guess we'll see, in a month and a half.<br /><br />Moved on the 30th. Much work to do. Thanks to my father and sister, as well as (alphabetically) Corrine, Deltcho, Michael, and the Steves. If I forgot anyone, please blame it on...<br /><br />Chemo #9. Slept some 30 hours, almost straight through, after that. Very bad. Very very bad.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-57181329682467277012009-03-28T00:35:00.001-04:002009-03-28T00:35:35.038-04:00Mar. 27<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3390844475/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3467/3390844475_6e9c275f1f_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3390844475/">Mar. 27</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>What a fucker.<br /><br />Lymph nodes are down from 3.5cm to 1.4cm. Still bigger than 1.0cm, so that means things are still not clear. But it could be scar tissue.<br /><br />Awesome.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-70060267996506070172009-03-26T22:39:00.001-04:002009-03-26T22:39:40.218-04:00Mar. 26<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3389109966/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3607/3389109966_cacfa95c70_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3389109966/">Mar. 26</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Just a feeew more hours until I see my doc. <br /><br />I can honestly say that I did not put off hearing the results from my CT scan out of fear. I'm planning to be done on May 12th. Best case scenario, that just gets confirmed by the doctor. Worst case scenario, that doesn't happen. Why have her rain on my parade a few days early? The verdict's not gonna change. <br /><br />So unlike me...<br /><br />Speaking of which. As a follow-up to the Enneagrams. I'm type 5, 8, and 4. Funny. Before I got sick, I was 1 and 4. As per last night's Death and Dying lecture, 1s often have trouble dealing with others' grief, and often will come across as insensitive. I think this cancer thing has been a very humbling experience, and has taught me to better relate to people. In other words, it kicked the 1 out of me.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-25327750453333860182009-03-25T23:41:00.001-04:002009-03-25T23:41:31.592-04:00Mar. 25<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3386006061/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3426/3386006061_74e3955902_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3386006061/">Mar. 25</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Craziness!<br /><br />At the gym, I learned that a) I've gained 10 lbs, and b) lost about 3 lbs of fat. That means in the past month, I've gained roughly 13 lbs of muscle. Oh rar. On my way to becoming Batman.<br /><br />In Death and Dying we discussed <a href="http://9types.com/">Enneagrams</a>. Actually, if you all wouldn't mind going to the site, taking the test, and letting me know what type you are, it would make things easier for me. That being said, Enneagrams are just about the only personality typology that I believe holds any water. <br /><br />Learned many great truths about myself. Also getting a bit of an idea why I constantly say things like "Learned many great truths about myself", instead of approaching things like that, or, oh, you know, cancer, in a more genuine manner. <br /><br />To wrap things up, I had dinner with a friend after class, which created many more thought bubbles... More processing to be done.<br /><br />I like it when my brain works...<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-25505616062048651732009-03-25T00:10:00.001-04:002009-03-25T00:10:43.585-04:00Mar. 24<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3383527315/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3635/3383527315_669967c8a2_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3383527315/">Mar. 24</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Today, my honey and I celebrated our two year anniversary. Well, in theory, we did. The actual celebrating won't come until we're in our new place.<br /><br />Less than a week. Much excitement...<br /><br />On the cancer front, three things to mention.<br />1. Last night I actually dreamt I was talking to my doctor, and she said my CT scan showed that I was in remission. I woke up very happy... Felt kinda crushed when I realized it was only a dream.<br />2. The lactose intolerance is pretty fucking nasty. I forgot about it, and had some hors d'oeuvres with cheese. I am now in pain.<br />3. I am getting pretty fatigued. I slept twelve hours last night, and was already ready to go to bed around 10 or so (which is unheard of, for me). I don't know what's causing it, given that my counts are (or were) back to normal. Then again, I have been going to the gym for two or three hours a day, every day since Friday. I may just be <i>tired</i>.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-77135623362653039432009-03-23T09:55:00.001-04:002009-03-23T09:55:46.478-04:00Mar. 23<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3379325142/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3450/3379325142_544fce533c_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3379325142/">Mar. 23</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Some days, you just gotta crawl into a hole and hide. I kinda did that for the last two days, hence the lack of updates. <br /><br />Did my best to keep a low profile, hoping I'll stop being a grumpy fucking panda. Oh, such a grumpy fucking panda. <br /><br />Actually, no, I hate pandas. Punch them right in their lazy faces. That's right.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-3836281067086670812009-03-21T00:42:00.001-04:002009-03-21T00:42:23.724-04:00Mar. 20<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3372171028/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3602/3372171028_104256a2e1_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3372171028/">Mar. 20</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Today pretty much made up for yesterday's lack of activity. Had a pretty full day at work, followed by dinner with Deltcho, then gym with Rob.<br /><br />I don't feel like writing. I'm going to bed. Good night!<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2332324577826654177.post-22956735725116519252009-03-20T00:44:00.001-04:002009-03-20T00:44:11.532-04:00Mar. 19<div style="float: right; margin-left: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3369012485/" title="photo sharing"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3540/3369012485_e7cccb258f_m.jpg" alt="" style="border: solid 2px #000000;" /></a><br /><span style="font-size: 0.9em; margin-top: 0px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32554355@N06/3369012485/">Mar. 19</a><br />Originally uploaded by <a href="http://www.flickr.com/people/32554355@N06/">Cancer Boy</a></span></div>Ooooh, feeling like absolute garbage today. Had a couple of energetic spots here and there, but overall, I mostly felt woozy and miserable. Didn't get much (any) work done today. Didn't go to the gym. I... Uh... Cleaned some? <br /><br />I hope tomorrow is better.<br /><br />I miss the artsy stuff, again. I really want to paint, and I've been looking at <a href="http://www.kidrobot.com/2008/munny/">MUNNY</a> figurines. It's been ages since I've painted, though, so before I spend money on these things, I'll first just use some of the old sculpey things I've whipped up some time ago, as practice. <br /><br />I lead a very exciting life.<br clear="all" />Armandhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06914963804800235351noreply@blogger.com3