The Radioactive Adventures of Cancer Boy

Apr. 10

2010-04-10T13:35:00.001-04:00

Apr. 10
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Almost a year, almost halfway there.

In a year's time, I'll probably start feeling a bit safer. Two years of high risk, they say. Then again, they say a lot of crap.

I'm trying to fight off the end of a monster cold. It's day 13, and my chest is still not happy with me. I'm writing this for two reasons - one, a humble apology/explanation for my googly-eyed photo, and two, colds result in swollen lymph nodes, and it takes all I've got not to start freaking the hell out.

So, how's everyone else doing?

Mar. 18

2010-03-18T14:39:00.003-04:00

Mar. 18
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Hello world.

Still alive.

Occasional check-ups at the hospital suck. I hate being back there. Alas, I'll take the occasional checkups over the once frequent visits.

I hope you are all well, here in cancer blog land.

I'm going back in hiding, now.

I'm sort of like a meteor shower, or perhaps a unicorn, like that.

Jul. 13

2009-07-13T15:37:00.001-04:00

Jul. 13
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Hello forgotten blog. It's been a while.

As of the 9th, I've finished 16 rounds of chemotherapy. That's more than anyone should ever have to do, and it's more than I care to ever remember.

I'm tired and grumpy and everything hurts. I've started having pain in my hips and the bones in my thighs after the last few rounds, and this last time was no exception.

But I'm mostly over all that. I'm starting to bounce back a bit. Still tired and shellshocked, but I'm bouncing back.

I have a CT scan coming up to document the size of the nodes after "eight cycles of ABVD". I have a PET scan coming up to gauge glucose uptake, and perhaps lead to radiation.

15 percent chance of recurrence in the next two years.
If PET is clean, 2-3 percent chance of recurrence.

Just thought I'd write to thank all those who continue to offer support. I'm sorry I'm running away, but it's pretty much all I know how to do now. I don't update anymore, I got rid of my facebook account, I've deleted a bunch of old email addresses, etc. If I could get away with canceling my cellphone plan, I would.

Life's good, except for when I remember that there is no day in sight when I won't think about cancer. My life changed for ever, and it did not change for the better.

I did some reading on radiation side-effects, and how if it hits the lungs, it causes breathing problems, and if it hits the esophagus, it makes it hard to swallow, causes constant heartburn and coughing fits. I read how people who had radiation for hodgkin's in the past came out with a variety of cancers afterwards. Yeah, I'm pretty depressed about the whole affair.

Also, I thought I'd share a brief non-cancer anecdote. The other day, I was waiting at a red light to turn left. A bus tried to squeeze past me and turn right. In the process, it mangled the front right corner of my car. Then the police officer who came to file the report took my driver's license, and promptly lost it. Now my car's in the shop. I have no car, I have no ID... Tip of the ice berg.

June 08

2009-06-08T08:24:00.001-04:00

June 08
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Oh hello there, forgotten blog.

So I've been busy. Attempting to get ready for Vancouver, which is now in just over a week, working on various things around the house, trying to pull a manuscript out of my thesis (though some would argue that I'm pulling it out of... somewhere else)... It's been keeping me pretty full.

Tomorrow is round 14 of chemo. I'm back to only needing about 10 hours of sleep per night, now, but the week after, I find I need about 13 to function.

I've always hated chemotherapy, but before, I really felt like it did some good. Now it just makes me miserable and tired and useless. Pooey. But I'd be lying if I said I don't look forward to a couple of days of sitting on the couch, catching up on some movie watching. I've been way too busy.

I suspect the blogging thing is more or less up for me. I'm sure it's not the last update, and for all I know, my life might become more exciting and I'll write more, but since the cancer thing is done -- and by no means am I sad about that -- I just don't have much to say, anymore. At least not to the masses.

I started to write here because I wanted to help others in my shoes. I've lamented over this before -- especially with lymphoma, there are no resources. I've encountered maybe three other people who have/had the same cancer over the last eight months, and not one of them in person. I wanted to provide a bit of a safe haven, if I may be so grandiose. I wanted to help people understand that it's not the end of the world. Or maybe warn them that it is, in case things went to hell for me.

Perhaps as a function of both my tenacious desire for privacy/anonymity, and some self deprecating notion that my life is boring, I don't really feel comfortable writing about every detail.

I'm trying to piece my life back together now. I know I'm jumping the gun, because I've yet to even finish chemotherapy. I've got one more month and a day. I don't even feel like "cancer boy" anymore. After this, I can't even pass as "chemo lad".

May 25

2009-05-25T14:02:00.001-04:00

May 25
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Just finished a small mound of articles that I've been reading, and came up with an additional 3 sources to check out. But soon, soon, I may begin writing.

Had my doc's appointment today. Opted for an additional four rounds of chemotherapy (bringing the total to a whopping sixteen). I'm not happy about that, but I'm not crushed, either. As per my last CT scans, my largest lymph nodes are down to .7cm. That's half what they were a short while ago. If protocol is to go two cycles (four rounds) past the time of remission, then I think it's very much a good idea.

Remission. Heh... I'm in remission. I beat this fucking obscure little cancer that barely has any literature on it, because, well, I'm guessing since there's not a lot of sufferers, it wouldn't sell. When I was first diagnosed, I bought a Chemotherapy and Radiation for Dummies book, because it mentioned Hodgkin's. I also bought a hardcover, limited edition of Where the Wild Things Are. The latter was a much better use of money.

I'm having a grumpy moment here, so excuse the profanity (and its mere presence will be quite shocking, I'm sure)... But fuck this stupid cancer. I'm glad that if I had to get get sick, I at least got a rather curable one, but for some reason, it hasn't hit me until now. I had no fucking resources to tap into. Thank you, wikipedia. Your statistics sure do provide comfort on lonely nights.

At least I got a cool purple ribbon out of it.

Ahem.

I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, anymore. I need to get back to work. It's chemo #13 tomorrow, so I'd better get my stuff sorted out today.

May 22

2009-05-22T16:09:00.002-04:00

May 22
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

So, long story short, blah blah blah, I still don't get to find out whether I'm done chemo until Monday.

But oh yeah, this is a rather small detail, you know, rather trivial, but it would seem I beat cancer. You know, one of those things.

If the facetiousness of that statement hasn't dripped onto the floor and left a sizable puddle just yet, well, allow me to spell it out. I'm fucking ecstatic.

So happy, in fact, that I spontaneously grew hair!

The fact that it's the same colour as Melissa's has nothing to do with it.

May 18

2009-05-18T22:15:00.001-04:00

May 18
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

So I decided to switch it up with the facial hair. I was trying to maximize the skeeze factor, but still not go full-out linebeard. That's just not cool. Anyway, Melissa detests it. Because I'm somewhat of an awful person, and draw pleasure from others' misery, I very much enjoy it.

You know, I think this is the first time my chin has seen the light of day since I was 17 or so.

I'd like to stop having nightmares about cancer. The other night I dreamt lymph nodes in my neck were so swollen, that my throat was threatening to close up. I've been having a bit of trouble breathing -- not sure if it's chemo attacking lungs, or a mild chest cold. That's been leading to lung cancer nightmares. Muscles and joints have been aching. I dream of swollen, blackened limbs. I really wish I could get all this to stop, already.

My teeth hurt. I'm clenching my jaw all the time.

So... uh... life's good, yeah.

May 15

2009-05-15T21:52:00.001-04:00

May 15
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Fuck fatigue. Same with cancer, same with chemo, etc. Lots o humpin' to go around. Vicious, angry, spiteful humping.

I slept about 15 hours today, and I'm ready for more bed. I got nothing done. Just slept. When I'm not asleep, I'm feeling exhausted and drowsy. I think my bone marrow must be pretty much clear by now.

I feel like my body is a rolled up sheet of copy paper, and a mere flick could fold it in half. I'm miserable.

But today, for the first time, I had morels for dinner. Oh sweet lord, those are yummy.

Also, I make poor decisions. It's hard for me to keep up with the blogging, but I've hopped on the twitter bandwagon, and I can update that more easily from my phone. And lo, I tweet.

As a final cancer note for this entry, I think the chemo is starting to attack my lungs. I'm having a bit of difficulty breathing. I don't like it. I want to be done.

May 14

2009-05-14T09:28:00.002-04:00

May 14
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I've been meaning to write an entry for some time, but I've been very busy playing catch-up with work, and before I knew it, chemo hit, and it all went to hell... Again...

I had my CT scan. That went okay, until the contrast hit and I ended up throwing up inside the machine. Not so fun. Had my Gallium scan. That was uneventful. All glory to Steve Jobs and the wonder of the iPhone. Music sure does make a 2.5 hour scan go by rather quickly. Then came chemo #12. My port stared fucking up -- couldn't draw blood out of it before the chemo, but at least they could push, and I got the fucking poison, no problem.

Now I get to wait about a week to find out whether I require additional chemotherapy. I really hope I'm done.

But, then again, I have a rather horrid suspicion that I'm not done yet. My doctor wants to make the "right decision" which, I realize is the one that's most likely to keep me alive, but it's also the one that makes me the most miserable.

I've become a bit frustrated with the gym thing. It's not my goal to become some muscle-bound idiot -- it's not a particularly appealing look, I don't think, and I don't much have the frame to support it. That being said, muscle gain has been rather lacking. Then I did some reading. Chemo patients, listen up, this is in your best interest!

The average person requires 0.8 grams of protein per kilogram of healthy weight per day in order to prevent muscle wasting. A chemo patient requires a full 1.5 grams of protein per kilogram of healthy weight per day! That's almost double!

Given my weight, I discovered that I would need to consume roughly half a kilogram of lean pork per day, to prevent muscle wasting. No wonder I'm barely building any muscle.

Also, whey protein is a precursor to... Some compound, I forget... Which allegedly helps prevent some cancers. Drink up me hearties, yo ho.

Also, in living with Melissa, I've inherited a cat. A rather stupid cat. But I love him so.

May 05

2009-05-05T15:41:00.001-04:00

May 05
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

And a customarily belated update.

- Melissa and I are going to Vancouver! I'm presenting some research at a conference, and it sounds like a great excuse to a) meet up with some of Melissa's relatives in BC, b) check out the UBC campus, and c) travel a bit!
- Fatigue is really setting in. I need a minimum of 10 hours of sleep per night.
- ...

You know, I thought I'd have more to say.

So it goes. It goes. ... Shrug?

Apr. 30

2009-04-30T14:09:00.002-04:00

Apr. 30
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I don't know if it's my generally pallid colouring, or if it's the fact that I've recently buzzed my hair shorter than ever, but I feel like I actually look like a "cancer victim" these days.

Could just be that I feel like absolute crap after chemo#11.

I have bright spots where I get stuff done -- I've swept today... That's kind of an accomplishment... But my batteries are much too drained to actually get out of the house and go to work. I guess this week's a coma week, and next week I'll play catch-up.

I had really messed up dreams last night. I dreamt I was swimming to Montreal (...??), and all was going well, until I got trapped under some fallen pillars and began to drown. When I got my heart rate back down and fell back asleep, I guess I made it to Montreal, and was shooting a music video for the Beastie Boys, all the while stealing donuts and playing with a Batarang.

I want a Batarang. Donuts, not so much.

Apr. 29

2009-04-29T14:20:00.003-04:00

Apr. 29
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Eleven rounds of chemo down.

Had visit with the doc on Monday. She says I very well might end up with an additional four rounds, bringing my total to 16. Not happy.

Will redo CT and gallium scan. Foremost, gallium must show no cancer. Then, I can only hope that CT will show no decrease. No decrease means that lymph nodes are the size they are, and chemo is not affecting that anymore. That means chemo's done all it can do, and it's up to the body to reabsorb scar tissue. That means chemo ends on the 12th of May.

If lymph nodes decreased, then I need the extra four rounds, because chemo is still working, just too fucking slow.

Not happy.

If gallium shows cancer, then, well, then I'm fucked.

Stick this in your ear:
Crystal Castles - Crimewave
Does it Offend You, Yeah? - Being Bad Feels Pretty Good
Does it Offend You, Yeah? - We Are Rockstars

Also, Crank: High Voltage is great.

Apr. 22

2009-04-22T12:08:00.001-04:00

Apr. 22
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

So, it's confirmed. My grandfather has stomach cancer. Also, somewhere along the chain of info, things got messed up -- my grandmother doesn't have Parkinson's, she has Alzheimer's. I had to crack up at the fact that someone along the way essentially "forgot" the Alzheimer's diagnosis. Then again, I laugh at some pretty grim things. I always used to say, "Armand puts the FUN back in FUNERAL."

I'm tired of all this. So, so, very tired. I just really don't want cancer in my life anymore... I understand it's just something that happens -- everyone has to die of something -- but I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I never got involved with I'm Too Young For This because it never felt right. I don't like being apart of a group just because I happen to fall within its parameters for membership. Although it's just more bitching about cancer, I choose to read the "cancer blogs" I follow because of something that has to do with the writers, not their illness.

I'm fatigued. My skin has had it with me. I think it will soon just abandon me and find a healthier host who will treat it nicer. I am not as petrified of chemo #11 as I was of #10, because the last one went quite easy, but I don't want to go see my doctor again. I don't want to sit around for hours on end, waiting for poison to filter into me. I don't want to answer questions about my body. I want to forget about my body, actually... Yeah, that'd be nice.

Ah well. Trapped in space and time, here I am.

Yesterday, despite craptacular news, Melissa and I actually had a pretty fun time. She had the day off work, so I took it off as well, so we could get a bunch of stuff done around the house. The bookcase I've been threatening to assemble for the past two weeks is still in pieces, but the living room is almost livable. There are no more empty boxes and bags and whatnot, sitting all over the place. We took a run out to to a couple of second-hand stores to drop off a bunch of things we needed to jettison. Went by a fabric store to look at potential drapery for the living room (oh yeah, pure white douppioni silk to go with red and espresso furniture? I think so). All the while, had yummy eats and planned out the rest of the apartment in excruciating detail.

*sigh* I'm sometimes puzzled by the things which bring me joy.

Apr. 20

2009-04-20T22:17:00.001-04:00

Apr. 20
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I had a strange revelation today...

If I were any other species, I would be dead by now. I mean, there's no chemotherapy for slugs. If a slug got cancer, it'd be one dead slug. Hell, even as a human being, I'm alive only because I happen to be in a part of the world, and in the right conditions, that I can receive treatment. Usually, when it comes to health and illness, you either get better, or you don't. I "should not" have gotten better. I would not, had it not been for outside intervention. I guess the same applies for inoculation from childhood illnesses and the like, but I can't help but feel as though in a way I've cheated death.. Like I was supposed to be part of the "early death rate" -- some statistic of sorts... I feel like I'm in a shitty film, expecting death to hunt me down now.

Or maybe I'm just crazy. Either's possible.

I'm also kind of frustrated with the all too slow progress I'm seeing from going to the gym. Then again, my diet is pretty lousy. Oh well. I'll be all healthy when I can safely say I've made cancer my bitch.

Good night, sleep tight. Hiss hiss, I'm in your muffler.

Apr. 19

2009-04-19T22:29:00.001-04:00

Apr. 19
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

So sleepy...

Here's life, in point form.

- Fatigue is starting to affect day-to-day functioning. Early nights are common. Gym visits are shorter.
- Chemo #10 was actually pretty easy on me. No hurling. No major misery the days after.
- I'm turning into a fucking recluse.
- The new place is coming along slowly. There's a ton of work to do still, but we're grossly limited by time... and energy...
- Apologies to those I've ignored -- in "real life", or just here in the old blogosphere
- I want to learn to program for the iPhone
- I'm so sick of "the cancer".

I'm sick of "the cancer", and here are three reasons, in chronological order.
- I hate the treatment.
- I no longer identify with the illness, or with being ill.
- I found out that my paternal grandfather is suspected of having stomach cancer.

Found that last bit out on the same day (today), as the day I learned that my maternal grandmother has been recently diagnosed with Parkinson's.

You know what, life? Fuck you. Fuck you hard.

-- a million years ago, there was a skit on Conan O'Brien, where they replaced the words "excuse me" with yelling "AH-BAH!".

I want to shove into people, yelling "AH-BAH!"

Apr. 13

2009-04-13T12:17:00.001-04:00

Apr. 13
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Taking a quick break at work, and thus blogging. I think we've got an internet connection now, but haven't had the chance to test that.

I'm so sick of the cancer stuff... Thoughts of treatment send me into full panic, and the stress of it is getting to me. My stomach hurts again a fair bit. That may also be attributed to the lactose bit. Seems lactaid isn't doing the trick anymore, and I end up with the worst stomach pain, regardless.

I only have to think of chemo #9 tomorrow, and I start freaking out... I'll be doping up on ativan and benadryl, and I'll hopefully just sleep through everything. Three more... Three more... Just three more. As of yesterday, I'll be done in a month.

I was talking to a friend, and he made a passing comment -- "...you have cancer"... Hearing it in present tense seemed wrong. I haven't been told that I'm in remission, but I just can't conceive the thought of me still being sick.

I've decided that, for better or worse, if I require additional chemotherapy, I will elect to take a break for one month. If they don't like it, I just won't go. I have no idea how I'm going to get through three more treatments, as is. I need a break. My body needs a break. My mind needs a break. One more month.

Once again, I am so very thankful for all the help and support I've been receiving from everybody -- thank you. I could not do this without all your support.

Apr. 06

2009-04-06T03:06:00.002-04:00

Apr. 6
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Why hello again.

So it's 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. So I'm doing work, and I figure I'll duck out from actual work work early tomorrow, instead. Maybe catch up on sleep.

We painted the living room (behind me) white. No longer babyshit yellow. We've assembled furniture (some of which is behind me. Go go gadget crappy IKEA bookshelf). There is much work to do.

Blogging will likely continue to be scarce, as I spend most of my time at the new place, and we don't have the internet hooked up yet. I'm currently just being a good neighbour, and stealing someone else's connection. However, it craps out every few seconds, and even when it works, it's slow as all hell.

A note regarding my last entry. I forgot to mention Wendy. Wendy helped with the move. I'm an ass-troll for forgetting that. Wendy, you get to punch me in the arm.

Okay. Back to work. Only three hours until the first alarm goes off.

Oh, last note... Out the very large window to my right (heehee!), I can see something dreadful. It's snowing! Snowing! No moooore!!! I think a good chunk of why I want chemotherapy to be over is because by then, at least the weather will be nice again!

Apr. 02

2009-04-02T10:44:00.001-04:00

Apr. 02
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Hah. Not dead yet.

First off, I'd like to thank everyone for the encouragement I've received in regards to the medical news. I find it hard to be as optimistic as most others, as I was quite honestly hoping for a clear remission. But I guess we'll see, in a month and a half.

Moved on the 30th. Much work to do. Thanks to my father and sister, as well as (alphabetically) Corrine, Deltcho, Michael, and the Steves. If I forgot anyone, please blame it on...

Chemo #9. Slept some 30 hours, almost straight through, after that. Very bad. Very very bad.

Mar. 27

2009-03-28T00:35:00.001-04:00

Mar. 27
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

What a fucker.

Lymph nodes are down from 3.5cm to 1.4cm. Still bigger than 1.0cm, so that means things are still not clear. But it could be scar tissue.

Awesome.

Mar. 26

2009-03-26T22:39:00.001-04:00

Mar. 26
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Just a feeew more hours until I see my doc.

I can honestly say that I did not put off hearing the results from my CT scan out of fear. I'm planning to be done on May 12th. Best case scenario, that just gets confirmed by the doctor. Worst case scenario, that doesn't happen. Why have her rain on my parade a few days early? The verdict's not gonna change.

So unlike me...

Speaking of which. As a follow-up to the Enneagrams. I'm type 5, 8, and 4. Funny. Before I got sick, I was 1 and 4. As per last night's Death and Dying lecture, 1s often have trouble dealing with others' grief, and often will come across as insensitive. I think this cancer thing has been a very humbling experience, and has taught me to better relate to people. In other words, it kicked the 1 out of me.

Mar. 25

2009-03-25T23:41:00.001-04:00

Mar. 25
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Craziness!

At the gym, I learned that a) I've gained 10 lbs, and b) lost about 3 lbs of fat. That means in the past month, I've gained roughly 13 lbs of muscle. Oh rar. On my way to becoming Batman.

In Death and Dying we discussed Enneagrams. Actually, if you all wouldn't mind going to the site, taking the test, and letting me know what type you are, it would make things easier for me. That being said, Enneagrams are just about the only personality typology that I believe holds any water.

Learned many great truths about myself. Also getting a bit of an idea why I constantly say things like "Learned many great truths about myself", instead of approaching things like that, or, oh, you know, cancer, in a more genuine manner.

To wrap things up, I had dinner with a friend after class, which created many more thought bubbles... More processing to be done.

I like it when my brain works...

Mar. 24

2009-03-25T00:10:00.001-04:00

Mar. 24
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Today, my honey and I celebrated our two year anniversary. Well, in theory, we did. The actual celebrating won't come until we're in our new place.

Less than a week. Much excitement...

On the cancer front, three things to mention.
1. Last night I actually dreamt I was talking to my doctor, and she said my CT scan showed that I was in remission. I woke up very happy... Felt kinda crushed when I realized it was only a dream.
2. The lactose intolerance is pretty fucking nasty. I forgot about it, and had some hors d'oeuvres with cheese. I am now in pain.
3. I am getting pretty fatigued. I slept twelve hours last night, and was already ready to go to bed around 10 or so (which is unheard of, for me). I don't know what's causing it, given that my counts are (or were) back to normal. Then again, I have been going to the gym for two or three hours a day, every day since Friday. I may just be tired.

Mar. 23

2009-03-23T09:55:00.001-04:00

Mar. 23
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Some days, you just gotta crawl into a hole and hide. I kinda did that for the last two days, hence the lack of updates.

Did my best to keep a low profile, hoping I'll stop being a grumpy fucking panda. Oh, such a grumpy fucking panda.

Actually, no, I hate pandas. Punch them right in their lazy faces. That's right.

Mar. 20

2009-03-21T00:42:00.001-04:00

Mar. 20
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Today pretty much made up for yesterday's lack of activity. Had a pretty full day at work, followed by dinner with Deltcho, then gym with Rob.

I don't feel like writing. I'm going to bed. Good night!

Mar. 19

2009-03-20T00:44:00.001-04:00

Mar. 19
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Ooooh, feeling like absolute garbage today. Had a couple of energetic spots here and there, but overall, I mostly felt woozy and miserable. Didn't get much (any) work done today. Didn't go to the gym. I... Uh... Cleaned some?

I hope tomorrow is better.

I miss the artsy stuff, again. I really want to paint, and I've been looking at MUNNY figurines. It's been ages since I've painted, though, so before I spend money on these things, I'll first just use some of the old sculpey things I've whipped up some time ago, as practice.

I lead a very exciting life.

Mar. 18

2009-03-18T23:05:00.001-04:00

Mar. 18
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Another one bites the dust.

Today, I be feelin' like shite. Very woozy and just plain miserable. Stemetil is my friend. There's about a 45 minute period shortly after I take one, when the nausea goes away, and the fogginess doesn't quite yet set in.

Tomorrow is last day of nausea, though, I hope. It's at least the last day of Kytril. Then I should be fine.

I slept 14 hours last night. I'm sort of hoping to repeat that feat.

Mar. 17

2009-03-17T23:42:00.001-04:00

Mar. 17
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Eight down, four to go.

Worst round of chemo, so far. Sort of kept it together until they flushed my port at the end, and that set me off so as to fill three of those kidney-shaped buckets with nothin' but vomit.

And that's all I can say about that, without getting nauseous again.

Melissa came with me again, and stayed with me afterwards (even after the explosive vomiting. I'm pretty sure this qualifies her for sainthood or something, right about now). We watched some more Planet Earth, and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It would have been a perfect evening, if it wasn't for the whole "me being sick and miserable". Oh well. Less than two weeks until the move!

I should add that I've been receiving so much support from so many kind and generous people. I can't thank you enough.

Along those lines... I'm often stuck in a weird position. I want to thank and acknowledge people's compassion and kindness, but I also don't want to violate their privacy by going into detail here. For what it's worth, your deeds do not go overlooked. I thank you dearly.

Point form:
- Blood counts were back up in the normal range! First time in six weeks!
- I picked up a Men's Health "Eat Right Guide" the other night. I said it before, and I'll say it again: after this cancer crap is over, I will be Batman!
- Stemetil is my friend

Mar. 16

2009-03-16T23:52:00.001-04:00

Mar. 16
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Didn't die from the CT contrast.

Miserable day for the most part, otherwise. Felt drowsy and sick and all that fun stuff. And for the last while I've been smelling heparin. Don't know why. Don't want to know why.

I've got chemo tomorrow, and in a perverse way, I look forward to it. I just want to no longer have an excuse for not sitting my ass in bed and not moving for a while. Note to self: learn to slow down.

I'm going home.

Mar. 15

2009-03-15T23:45:00.001-04:00

Mar. 15
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Can't brain good no more. That's why I'm foraging for other sources of brain.

CT scan in the morning. Then meeting. Then Well-Fit. Then gym. Then more work.

When do I get my vacation? When do I get my solid gold house and rocket car?

I'd settle for remission, you know?

Mar. 14

2009-03-15T15:09:00.001-04:00

Mar. 14
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Point form:

- Went to Toronto
- Saw Bloc Party live. Very good. Opening act, Holy Fuck, was also very, very good.
- Have more work to do than I have energy.
- Went to gym. Cycling class = fun + evi. Fevil?
- Fatigue is setting in. No longer feeling muscle fatigue at the gym, but rather beginning to feel overall tired and occasionally light-headed.
- CT scan on Monday. Blech.

Mar. 13

2009-03-14T14:16:00.001-04:00

Mar. 13
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Goodbye, mohawk.

Some of the until-recently-absent effects of chemotherapy started catching up with me all of a sudden. Primary, the hair loss. It's not drastic, but it's thinning above and beyond the natural "hey man, you're going bald, ha-haw!" rhythm. I guess it's to be expected. As of yet, I've still got fuzz on me scalp. I wonder what it'll be like in two months' time.

And by gee-dash-dee, I will be done in two months!

Mar. 12

2009-03-12T23:19:00.001-04:00

Mar. 12
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I've made up a story that sort of makes sense, regarding ye olde lump in my neck.

It's pretty unlikely that chemotherapy will affect the same kind of cancer in different ways, at the same time, especially within the same system. Also, it's pretty unlikely that I've developed a secondary cancer while undergoing treatment for the one. However, it's likely that I have a buildup of scar tissue that got pushed to the surface by the increase of muscle, since I've been going to the gym.

That story keeps me from freaking out. It's the story I'll keep telling myself until I hear otherwise.

As of today, I have exactly two months until my last round of chemotherapy. These last two weeks, once again, flew right by. I really hope this holds out...

Mar. 11

2009-03-11T22:48:00.001-04:00

Mar. 11
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Had another migraine today. Also made the stupid mistake of drinking a glass of milk with breakfast. I'll just say that the first half of my day was pretty lousy.

In Death and Dying, we watched a Hospice care documentary. I really don't know what to really say, following that.

Kinda wish I had a director's commentary to go along with my posts. Somehow say the stuff I can't spit out.

Mar. 10

2009-03-10T23:43:00.001-04:00

Mar. 10
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I'm going to ignore the big cancerous elephant in the room, and try to get on with my life.

...

Yeah, this isn't workin' so good.

Mar. 09

2009-03-10T00:38:00.002-04:00

Mar. 09
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

No SSRIs for me. That's enough about that. Now onto more upsetting stuff.

I'm trying not to freak out. After all, my scans are now in less than a week. But today I found a lump on the side of my neck. It's right in the spot where I had a huge lymph node. Please please please let it be something other than a lymph node. Something benign, though.... If it is a lymph node, let it be scarred or swollen from the cold I've had. Just no more cancer. I need these fucking scans to come out clean. I really need this to end. Not only for me, but I also don't want to drag everyone through any more of this.

I was in a way preparing myself for bad news. I was trying to remember the day when I got diagnosed. November 17. Never going to live that day down, now, am I?

I honestly can't remember how that day played out, anymore. I remember being in the doctor's office, and I remember him telling me I have "Hodgkin's Disease." I remember my reaction: sarcastically belting out a monotone "Yaaaay." I was kinda relieved to know it was a curable cancer, at least. I remember him leaving the room, me wanting to cry, but not being able to. But after that, it gets choppy. I remember calling my mother, when I got to the car. I remember picking Melissa up from work that evening, and blurting it out as soon as she got in the car. I remember being really fucking calm, and looking up blog names that evening. cancerboy was taken. I remember finding a blog, last updated in 2005. The last entry said something along the lines of "...wish me luck!"

I didn't process things, because they were so alien. I don't know how I'd process things, now that I'm in the midst of it.

I also remember what I think was my fourth round of chemotherapy. Melissa and i were sitting in the chemo suite, and I looked around, and said "All these people have probably already heard the worst news of their lives."

Addendum: As a lovely side-effect to the chemo, I've now become lactose-intolerant. Basically, I have dairy, and within an hour I'm doubling over. You know what? Fuck cancer. Fuck it all night long.

Mar. 08

2009-03-09T00:42:00.001-04:00

Mar. 08
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Weekend gone, all too soon.

Tomorrow's a busy day. I'm hoping to magically figure out the SSRI conundrum. On one hand, I'm loopy. On the other, I've got less than ten weeks of chemotherapy left. I want to just wait it out, because I don't want to a) risk the side-effects, and b) have to go through the whole process of weaning myself off them. But again... I'm loopy.

Today's song recommendation is the song Ulysses, by Franz Ferdinand. I'm seeing good ol Franz Ferdinand on May 4th. Jeaaaalouuus?

Mar. 07

2009-03-07T23:43:00.001-05:00

Mar. 07
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Today, we went to the Royal Ontario Museum. Also went by Krispy Kremes again. Oh, we did awful, awful things.

Had a pretty fuck-tacular migraine at some point, and had that weird eye stitch again, where it looks like somebody tore my visual field all up, and then stitched it back together rather poorly. Ah, body, you so funny.

I've got a long whiny entry in me, but I'm le tired. Off to the gym in the morning, to work off the guilt.

Mar. 06

2009-03-06T23:53:00.002-05:00

Mar 06
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I could rant about the borderline criminal callousness of people. I could rant about how when you're down, people seem to relish using your situation as an outlet.

But instead I'll say that I saw Watchmen tonight, and it was fucking awesome. Seriously. Go see it. Now.

Mar. 05

2009-03-05T23:16:00.003-05:00

Mar. 05
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Didn't take the Kytril today. Figured I'd rather risk nausea, than another day of drowsiness. That was about 90% good idea. A couple of times where I felt my throat seize up as though in anticipation, but at least I had a clear(er?) head.

Got some work done, but not enough. I need to somehow make up for the days I lose to chemo, but I just have no fucking clue how. It's frustrating, trying to continue saying "I'm a real boy!" all Pinocchio-like, and trying to contend with everything else, but I think it would be even more frustrating, to fully withdraw.

I had dinner with Melissa, and then we saw a student production of The Vagina Monologues at the University. Need some more time to process that. In the meantime, feel free to call me patriarchal for not fully appreciating it.

It's nice and warm outside. Fuck, I missed not freezing.

Addendum: I just discovered the best typo ever. In an email with a student, I meant to say "...cancel with you." Instead, I said "...cancer with you". Hmm. Wonder what's on my mind.

Mar. 04

2009-03-04T21:33:00.001-05:00

Mar. 04
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Woo, all caught up.

Tomorrow, I will take my chances with the nausea and not take my third round of Kytril. I woke up and felt fine. A few hours later, I realised I forgot to take the Kytril. I took it, and promptly felt like crap.

This round of chemo went alright. I slept right through. Talking about it makes me want to throw up.

I need sleep. I want to go to the gym. That makes me happy...

I really feel the urge to cook. I hope my tastebuds return to normal soon...

Mar. 03

2009-03-04T14:36:00.001-05:00

Mar. 03
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Internet is back. Due to some OCD-like compulsion, I'm blogging retroactively. It's as though a missed day of blogging constitutes some minor betrayal, and must be punished severely.

March 02 was my mother's birthday. Happy birthday, mom!

March 03 was chemotherapy. Fuck you, chemo!

March 04 is my sister's birthday. Happy birthday, Diana!

Life goes on.

Mar. 02

2009-03-03T23:20:00.002-05:00

Mar. 03
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

My wireless connection is fucked. I'll update retroactively tomorrow, provided I get somewhere with net access.

FML, etc.

Mar. 01

2009-03-01T23:43:00.001-05:00

Mar. 01
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I will once again whine about how these last two weeks flew right by, and I am nowhere near ready to go for another round of chemotherapy. I'm terrified of the very strong likelihood of nausea and/or vomiting. I just find it ironic that it's not the chemotherapy that'll be making me ill, but rather the heparin.

I go for bloodwork in the morning, and I'll ask them to draw from my arm. That allows me to a) stave off the heparin for another day, b) not have an uncomfortable chunk of plastic sticking out of my chest for over 24 hours and c) not deal with further welts and the such, as a result of my usual reaction to each and every fucking type of bandage.

Yes, I am complaining, but I'm not letting the following bring me down too much. I'm merely documenting...

The skin on my hands is fucking shot. It's dry and painful and cracking. I'm slathering on various hand creams and mositurizers, but it's not really helping for long. Ah well. Halfway through chemo and still no really ugly side-effects.

Feb. 28

2009-03-01T01:24:00.001-05:00

Feb. 28
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I was looking at some pics Melissa and I took, I'd say, around august 2007. It was in my pre-halloween phase, where I had long hair and a huge beard. I can't claim it was a good look for me, but much like this mohawk, I carried on for some greater good. Can't claim to miss the whole ensemble, but in a weird way, I miss having a big ol dark beard. Now it's thinned out considerably, and the blond hair in my mustache is giving me a barely pubescent look which I can't claim to welcome. I think it would be more of a symbolic threat to shave it all off, though. Oh, body image. You rock my world.

These two weeks have flown right by. This whole month did. I really hope this keeps on going.

Feb. 27

2009-02-28T13:06:00.001-05:00

Feb. 27
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I'm really just getting worse and worse at this "remembering to blog" shtick.

A few days until chemo #7.
One week until I see the psychiatrist and figure out SSRI stuff.
Two weeks until my CT scan, and chemo #8.
Four and a half weeks until Melissa moves.
Ten and a half weeks until chemo #12.

It's starting to feel like a reality...

One slight worry: I've already had a negative reaction to the CT contrast dye. In fact, they chose not to use contrast for that very reason, when they did my chest xray/line manipulation. They are, however, planning to use it for my CT scan in two weeks. Wouldn't it be a kicker, if I'm so close to beating cancer, and then I died from a nasty reaction to the dye? Yeah, that'd be a laugh.

Feb. 26

2009-02-27T00:47:00.001-05:00

Feb. 26
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Point form:

- Belated note, but I absolutely adore the Death and Dying class
- Talked about talk therapy, and the benefits of journalling
- Felt like smugly patting myself on the back
- I have no idea where my time goes!
- I would love to spend a week just reading and playing videogames.
- Tomorrow is friday, which means it's almost the weekend, which means it's close to tuesday, which means it's almost round 7
- I so don't want to go for chemotherapy anymore
- January barely dragged by. I can't believe it's already the end of February. Now just let it be May.

Feb. 25

2009-02-26T08:19:00.001-05:00

Feb. 25
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I'm all kinds of surly, today.

I wanted to blog last night, but... Okay, that's a lie. I did remember to blog, but I was already halfway into bed, and didn't actually want to, anymore.

Heard some interesting stats. According to a new study by the Canadian Cancer Something-or-Other (Society? Council? One of those), cancer prevention is much more effective than cancer treatment. 1/3 of cancers could be prevented if people would just stop smoking. [Not an issue]. 1/3 of cancers could be prevented if people maintained better diets, and exercised [Not a real pre-diagnosis issue]. That would mean that 1/3 of cancers occur just 'cause.

You know, I'm largely over the anger and/or cancer-related grief by now, but I still wish I had done something tangible, to get sick.

Yeah, I'm in a great mood.

Feb. 24

2009-02-24T23:33:00.001-05:00

Feb. 24
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

For some reason, I keep thinking today is Friday.

It's days like today that make blogging feel useless. I'm okay. No cancer symptoms, and no chemo symptoms. Life is "normal".

Tomorrow I'm going to Well-Fit, and hopefully to the real gym, as well. Energy is nice. Imagine that.

Also, I'm really ready to shake off this cold, you know?

Feb. 23

2009-02-24T00:51:00.001-05:00

Feb. 23
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Sometimes, it's tough to find things for which to be thankful. However, I guess all in all, I have a wonderful support network, and that's something I very much appreciate. You all collectively get a cookie. No, wait, no, it goes beyond that -- you each get your own cookie.

Feb. 22

2009-02-23T01:06:00.001-05:00

Feb. 22
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Today, Flickr greeted me with "Ahoy Cancer Boy!"

Arrr... Yarrrriss.....

*ahem*

I'm definitely in the manic upswing of things. Got a lot of stuff accomplished today. Most notably, I finished a bunch of fixes for a work project that had been dragging behind for ... oh, very long. I'll be very glad to see that finished tomorrow.

More point-form!
- ~~Kicked Rob's ass~~ played some Street Fighter IV with Rob. I got them mad button-mashing skillz.
- Went to the gym. Oh, my dear derriere, how you will hate me tomorrow.
- The song "Auto Rock" by Mogwai comes highly recommended.
- The people on main campus have not paid me for two weeks. Heads will fucking roll. Aka, I'll send a meek email in the morning. Rar, I'm manly.
- If I don't sort and put away my laundry soon, gargoyles and snakes will attack me. That is, if my dear mother is to be believed. I fear she is right.
- Oh yeah, as of a few days ago, Melissa and I the proud owners of our first bits of furniture. Helloooo, sexy love seat and chairs.

Feb. 21

2009-02-22T00:35:00.001-05:00

Feb. 21
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Spent the day with Melissa, moving stuff and cleaning. We moved a slew of non-essential stuff over to my place, so as to make moving day easier. Speaking of moving day... That's some five weeks away? Oh, excitement. I can't wait to be all done and healthy and working and moving in, myself... But until then, I get to live vicariously through her.

Tomorrow is a day of gym and work. I think I'm heading into the manic phase of my faux bi-polar mood swings, so, here's hoping I'll be a good one.

I'd be really happy, though, if food tasted good again. It's been tasting like crap for the last week, and I could go for a super-tasty meal. It's funny, I can tell whether the food I eat tastes good, but I can't really enjoy it. Kinda like my left hemisphere is saying "This is made of yum and win, you should enjoy it!" and my right hemisphere is saying "Meh."

... yum and win... what the... fuck, I need sleep.

Feb. 20

2009-02-20T23:24:00.001-05:00

Feb. 20
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Spent the day pantsless. Although I got a lot of work done today, the fact that it was sans-pantaloons made it better.

Find joy wherever you can, right?

Feb. 19

2009-02-19T23:58:00.001-05:00

Feb. 19
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I feel pretty run down. Then again, I had a super-long day, where I didn't seem to get much accomplished. As I said earlier on... If It's noon, and I've already showered and/or put pants on, I consider that a small victory.

I theoretically have Well-Fit in the morning, but I don't know if sleep won't win that out. We'll see. Bed time.

Feb. 18

2009-02-18T23:25:00.001-05:00

Feb. 18
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

It's funny, the things you learn to do when you're undergoing chemo... Such as, planning trips... You know, when you decide to take a trip upstairs, and you know that flight of stairs is almost going to kill you, so you want to make the best of it. Or, as I've really taken to doing lately, holding my breath when I pee. All I smell is chemicals. I fucking hate this smell. It smells like chemicals and burning flesh.

What wouldn't I give for three months to pass... No more cancer, no more chemo... On my way to moving in with Melissa... Starting life again... Going back to my job, filling out grad school applications, getting back into photography...

Melissa and I have been talking about converting one of the larger closets (5'x5') into a mini darkroom. I can't wait for all that...

I want to go to the gym.

Tomorrow I've got an appointment with my ophthalmologist. Before I got diagnosed, I was having disturbances in my left visual field -- fogging, light blooming, and periodic blind spots. That's cleared up pretty much completely, in the last few months, at least.

Good night, beautiful people.

Feb. 17

2009-02-17T22:07:00.001-05:00

Feb. 17
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Round six. Halfway there.

It's been three months since I started this blog. Three months ago, I was under the naive impression that life would get better, or easier. I know I'm not having the absolute worst time, but... Although I know I should try to take this one day at a time, I can't help but feel as though the worst is simply yet to come. Twelve treatments of chemo are just too fucking much. Six are enough. Ugh. I think the hardest part from now on will be to talk myself out of stopping after eight or ten sessions.

I nearly threw up today. Injecting the Heparin ... oh man. I still gag when I think about it. Uhhh... happy thoughts. Bunnies... Ice cream... Thomas Hodgkin falling down a flight of stairs...

Feb. 16

2009-02-16T22:47:00.001-05:00

Feb. 16
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Introducing the second cold I'm experiencing since the start of chemotherapy. Not impressed.

I guess it serves me right, in a way, as I'm pretending I'm not sick, and all that, but bloody hell, I can't sit all cooped up and turn into Howard Hughes.

Very tired. Need sleep. Chemo tomorrow. Ugh.

Feb. 15

2009-02-16T11:28:00.001-05:00

Feb. 15
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Oh, I totally forgot to make a post yesterday. I had a pretty go-go-go day, and then just passed out before midnight, and slept a good 10 hours. I can't remember the last time I did that.

I had my fitness assessment at the gym, yesterday. I learned a bunch of things about myself. Some rather positive... Some on the disturbing end. For example, I have 27lbs of fat on me. Although that's within the normal range, that just kinda weirds me out... Can't help but feel as though I've been dipped in lard. However, I have 62lbs of lean mass. I... uh... Guess that's good?

Then there was the truly depressing stuff. I've become painfully aware of the fact that I cannot for the life of me bend over to touch my toes. It feels as though the tendons in my legs are going to snap and shoot out the back of my knees. That, and apparently, my oxygen intake is in the "lowest of the low" range (33 ml/kg/min, average is 45 ml/kg/min). I'll try not to despair about my poor cardiovascular health, and blame it on the doxorubicin.

I just find it funny that I'd have poor cardio, when to this day I can do an hour on an exercise bike and only minimally want to die.

Come onnnn, less than three months!

Feb. 14

2009-02-15T00:00:00.001-05:00

Feb. 14
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Went by IKEA today to look for home furnishings, for our new place. Also went by Pacific Mall. One of the two was a waste of time. Hint: it wasn't IKEA.

Got a few cool things, and priced some many cool things. We haven't figured out exact costs, but we're looking at a fair bit of cash that we'll end up spending. Luckily, income tax rebates come soon. More info soon. Bed time now.

Feb. 13

2009-02-14T00:04:00.002-05:00

Feb. 13
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Friday the 13th. How appropriate.

Mood continues to slide.

Got one of the FUCK CANCER t-shirts from a shop downtown, where the organization (called "(whatever) cancer") has some stock. The thoroughly unhelpful and downright surly aging hipster running the joint made sure it was as unpleasant as possible, buying the shirt. I know many people in retail will comment on the number of asshole customers... But I'm also surprised at the number of assholes working retail.

Bed time. Let's see if the world finally explodes tomorrow.

Feb. 12

2009-02-13T00:03:00.005-05:00

Feb. 12
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Long day.

I'm starting to have a strange trade-off. When I first got sick, I tried to cling to activities that used to bring me joy. Normality was a source of comfort. Now, mostly because I'm failing pretty horrendously at performing the same tasks in which I took any pride, I've come to feel little more than distress 90% of the time. So, what's new? The gym. That's about it. So I'm spending a lot of time there. I guess that's not bad, though.

Started the day off by going to -- that's right, the gym. Then work. Decided I need to lighten my load. I've got two more projects in the works at my one job. Once I wrap those two up, I'm going on hiatus until I finish this cancer crap. I hope I'll still have a job there once I'm done... I've come to really love the research I've been apart of, and I've come to really love the people I've worked with. But right now, I can't help but feel like my work is a source of disappointment, both to myself, and to my colleagues. Sooo, I'll continue TAing the classes I'm TAing, provided that continues to work, but I'm calling it quits for research, until the summer. I'll spend all my days at the gym, then. Maybe I'll die sexy.

I visited Tori in Guelph, after work. She does a pretty good job of making me feel like an underachiever, what with going to Honduras to build houses, and the such. Oh, the idealism of youth :p

I don't know why, but for the last while, I've really been wanting to buy some face-paint, and drive around town in Joker make-up.

Addendum: In exactly three months, I will have had my last round of chemo. I'm just a few days short of the three month anniversary of my diagnosis. I guess I'm more or less halfway there. The glass is so half empty.

Feb. 11

2009-02-11T22:32:00.003-05:00

Feb. 11
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I woke up around 10:30, and was back in bed about an hour later. Although I woke up feeling fine, while having breakfast I began feeling the energy drain away... Physically, and emotionally.

Why, why why do I feel so crappy lately?

Scattered thoughts:
- The song "Kids" by MGMT has a dangerously high level of awesome per square inch.
- Tomorrow I'm meeting someone running an organization at Wilfrid Laurier University... They're selling t-shirts that say FUCK CANCER in big, bold letters. I plan to purchase one or six such t-shirts.
- Fuck cancer.
- ... Fuck cancer.

Feb, 10

2009-02-11T00:25:00.003-05:00

Feb. 10
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

If you're squeamish, skip this next paragraph.

I guess my blood counts must be getting low. My platelets must've tanked, because I'm bruising very easily. My port's been bugging me. I don't exactly have a lot of padding on my upper chest, and especially the line for the port, has been giving me grief. Given that it's passing over the collar bone, it gets dinged pretty often, and the skin is now faintly discolored and sensitive.

My memory is completely gone. This morning Melissa and I had an appointment to go measure the apartment. Apparently half an hour is already too long, and we were kinda ushered out. In the hurried nature of everything, I forgot to ask the super if we could start moving stuff in a couple of days early, because I have chemo the day before moving day. Combined with the forgetfulness of the last few days, forgetting about this put me in a pretty crappy mood. When I realised that I forgot the clipboard with all the measurements in the apartment, you could say I had something along the lines of a minor "episode."

Didn't know I had such capacity for self-loathing.

I realize it's chemically-induced, but I am severely unbalanced. Unhinged, you might say. I then spent the bulk of the afternoon oscillating between raging outbursts and catatonia.

I am now re-re-re-reconsidering the SSRIs. I think the chemotherapy and stress have triggered some low-level, rapid-cycling bipolar-like state. Every two or three weeks I go through unwavering mania for a few days, and then I sink and can't come back. This is my good week... The first half of today was fucking awful.

I luckily/sadly spent the day with Melissa. In so many ways, she really is my saviour... And I feel so guilty for dragging her down with me, so much of the time.

I honestly don't get it. I have days when I'm dealing with things so well. I think I'm fine with everything... And then I have days when I feel undeserving of the good days. Yep. I'm doing great.

Feb. 09

2009-02-10T00:19:00.002-05:00

Feb. 09
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Oh, I did it again. Lost another entry. I cannot stress how distressing I find the lack of a memory.

I kept forgetting stuff all day. Like, you know, going back to work to finish marking tests. Sorry about that...

The nagging feeling of "I'm forgetting something..." kinda dissipated in the middle of a 3-hour visit to ye olde gym today. I'll be feeling that tomorrow.

I had more to say. Hah. I forget...

Feb. 08

2009-02-09T00:18:00.002-05:00

Feb. 08
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I hate that whenever I try to blog through Flickr, it fails and eats my entries, and I hate that my memory is still too fucked up from the chemo to remember not to do it anymore!

I'm an irritable bag of ass! ARGH.

...

ARGH.

The entry was about me being the aforementioned bag of ass, though, so, it's no big loss.

Tomorrow is going to be such a long and crappy day... Ugh. Well-Fit tomorrow, though. I hope that'll put me in a better mood.

Feb. 07

2009-02-07T23:56:00.003-05:00

Feb. 07
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I'm grumpy and distant and fatigued. I'm not sleepy, but I'm tired. Went by the gym today, and I could barely do ... anything. I feel like I'm moving out of inertia, not out of... something. I can't brain good no more.

Need bed. Need bed for a few months.

Feb. 06

2009-02-07T00:26:00.001-05:00

Feb. 06
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I really hate flickr. Second entry it ate. IT SUUUUCKS.

Feb. 05

2009-02-05T23:41:00.001-05:00

Feb. 05
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Fucking flickr ate my post. You all miss out on a depressive rant.

Feb. 04

2009-02-05T00:04:00.003-05:00

Feb. 04
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

The day from hell, or hellday as I've come to affectionately call it, is over.

Hospital visit turned out rather fruitless. Fluoroscopy became quickly negated by the fact that I had a nasty reaction to the xray dye, and thus we ended up just doing a chest xray... which I already had done last week... but regardless, it once again showed nothing really wrong with my port. My doctor's advice: keep turning over during the night, to keep the port from jabbing into my heart and irritating the lining. Then get it removed as soon as I'm done chemotherapy. Thaaaanks.

Meetings, etc. Nothing special.

Melissa came by work and brought me tea. She's such a sweetheart.

Proctored a test this evening which actually went by very quickly, and was actually kind of fun. Afterwards, I went out for food + beer with a bunch of office denizens, and had additional fun. I can't remember the last time I did this, really... My guess is, before I got sick. It was a nice throw-back to "normal life".

Must now address student concerns, and then promptly begin snoring.

Addendum: At the gym, two days ago, it turns out I really strained a hamstring. Oh, aching groin, you're a lot funnier when you happen to people who are not me.

Addendum #2: For some reason, I felt compelled to read the first few entries in my blog. I can't even relate to myself two months ago. The things I've learned to accept are startling. I was so angry that I'll be spending the rest of my life fearing a relapse. Now it strikes me as irresponsible to not have cancer on your mind. Now it's there, all the time. But somehow, it's... Not comfortable, but expected. I'm used to having a port. I'm used to having good weeks, and bad weeks. I can't understand people who don't. I wonder if I'll ever go back to "being normal". Normal doesn't exist anymore.

Feb. 03

2009-02-03T22:10:00.002-05:00

Feb. 03
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Tomorrow is going to be a lump of ass.

- Surgery at 10:30 to adjust the port
- Meeting on main campus at 2:30
- Proctoring test at 7:00

Did I mention I had chemo today?

I suspect I might be dead by 9, then.

I'm considering taking next week off. Off from work, off from life. It's things like this that... well, maybe they didn't make me sick, but they sure as hell created fertile grounds.

*raises hand* I solemnly swear to not give myself 10 hour days after chemo, ever again.

Speaking of chemotherapy, that vicious bastard that it is, I feel like garbage. Suddenly fatigue hit a little while ago, and my guts feel like they're rotting from the inside.

Now if you'll excuse me, there are a number of students emailing me about missed lecture material, the night before the test. I'm off to ruin some lives.

Feb. 02

2009-02-02T23:55:00.001-05:00

Feb. 02
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I'm tired, and I'm surly. One is somewhat on account of the other.

A day in point form:
- Hospital, early on, for blood work.
- White count is low. What's new?
- Got prescription for "Magic Mouthwash" to help with mouth sores. Ugh. That still sounds disgusting.
- Asked doc to look at last week's chest xray, to see if she could spot any enlarged lymph nodes. She said as far as xrays went, it looked pretty good.
- Will have fluoroscopy soon to make sure port is in the right place, after all. Heart palpitations continue, and have only started when I got the port.
- Work was busy, but I had much energy.
- Well-Fit was great. Endurance was nearly double on all exercises, from last time.
- Went to the gym with Rob. 2.5 hour workout. Probably will be sore tomorrow, but I've got a week to recuperate.
- Met up with Melissa, and the three of us had dinner.
- Here I am, nearly forgot to blog.
- Am surly.
- Chemo in the morning.
- Surly.

Feb. 01

2009-02-01T23:29:00.001-05:00

Feb. 01
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I suppose today was a good day, in terms of "stuff that happened", but I'm in a rather miserable mood.

Met up with Deltcho earlier on, which was nice. After that I went to the gym with Rob, where I was reminded of how terribly out of shape I've become. I saw my reflection in a mirror, while on an elliptical type machine I've nicknamed "the widowmaker", and couldn't help but liken my reflection to the image of a sagging raccoon, attempting to crawl up into, say, a cooler, or perhaps a garbage bin.

Afterwards, I picked up Melissa and we went to her place. I guess it had just been a while since we did this, or who knows what, but it was nice to just do normal, routine stuff, just the two of us... Cooked a simple but delicious dinner (spinach and dill omelette + shrimp with butter), and did the dishes. I guess I'm just really looking forward to when we get to actually live together and pretend to be all growed up an' stuff.

Okay, well, I have to be at the doctor's in 8.5 hours. I also have to get up early and satisfy an unspeakable craving for dead animal. I swear, I'm so close to just running into a field and tackling a cow, it's not even funny. I've been trying to supplement protein with other things, like nuts and the like, but nuh-uh. I have a fever, and the only prescription is more meat.

Jan. 31

2009-01-31T22:11:00.001-05:00

Jan. 31
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Tired!

So, today Rob and I joined the health fitness club up by the University. Good beans.

I encourage any of the lot of you living in the area to join. It's pretty, and the more of you join that can get me to go as often as possible, the better.

After the gym thing, Melissa and I sat around and watched movies for the rest of the evening. I finally saw Across the Universe. Did not particularly enjoy it, but I can at least say I've seen it. Regardless, it was still nice spending some down time together. As of tomorrow, only two more months until apartment fun! Oh, there be excitement.

Bed time. Good night.

Jan. 30

2009-01-31T14:06:00.001-05:00

Jan. 30
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Oh, I so forgot to update yesterday...

Was kind of uneventful. I've developed a couple of good ol canker sores as a result of the chemotherapy, and have thus picked up ambisol.

Joined a gym. Yep yep.

Additional updating later.

Jan. 29

2009-01-30T00:24:00.001-05:00

Jan. 29
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Well, first off...

We got the apartment!! Eeeeee!! Oh yeah. I squealed.

Then the rest of the day was kind of a bust, but you know.

My legs are fucking SORE after yesterday's workout spectacular. I'm mostly hobbling around now. I had plans to go walking/jogging at the track with Rob tonight, but it turned out that there was a hockey game going on. No track for us. Went to the University. Turns out they got rid of the track years ago. We made the snap decision to go to one of the gyms, and sign up. Apparently, you can't join the 24 hour fitness center after 7pm. So we ended up at Starbucks. How novel.

Also, stupid chemo. I'm getting a sore on one of my gums. Not happy about that. Combining that with the overall sore muscles (hah. Sore and sore!... Sore is a pretty gross word, now that I think about it), I'm pretty unhappy. But that could just be because I'm fucking exhausted.

Good night!

Jan. 28

2009-01-28T23:13:00.001-05:00

Jan. 28
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

So tired. Super long day. Great day, but so busy... Here's point form, to be elaborated at a later date:

- Dropped off lease application
- Pat did an 180 on the pills. Gonna see how things go for a while... If life continues to be manageable, I might not require drugs. That'd be nice.
- Well-Fit today. Amazing. Did a bunch of strength training exercises which left me shaking and in pain, but sort of balanced it with a full half hour on the exercise bike.
- I feel like I've been beaten all over, after that workout. It's awesome. I've missed self-induced physical exhaustion, as opposed to the fatigue I've been feeling.
- I want to fill out a living will.
- I want to research green burials.

The latter two are not associated with my current state, but rather with the Psychology of Death and Dying class that I TA.

My arm hurts a bit worse, after the workout. I don't really care. I'm going to pass out now.

Jan. 27

2009-01-27T23:59:00.002-05:00

Jan. 27
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Oh, I love having energy... oh, I'll miss having energy, this time next week.

Well-Fit tomorrow! Yay!

Also...

This morning, Melissa and I viewed an apartment in a building close to the university. It's awesome... We want it... It'd be close to work and school for both of us, and it's pretty cheap, to boot. Although it's not too close to the hospital, I certainly hope to not be requiring frequent trips there anymore, when the time comes.

Sooo... We filled out a lease application, and we're dropping it off tomorrow... So excited... Yay, feel like I have some purpose, etc.

Yep. Melissa and I are pretty happy.

Jan. 26

2009-01-27T00:02:00.002-05:00

Jan. 26
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Through some sense of hivemind, my friend Deborah and I both shaved our heads (in my case, again) today, and we both got (at least at some point) mohawks.

I'm letting this fucker grow in.

Also, my hair is slowly falling out. It's about time... But it might compromise the mohawk.

I started Well-Fit today. I had an initial assessment, which included a 15 or 20 minute stress test on a stationary bike. Fancy equipment they had there, they did... To be on something that actually recreated a cycling experience was just amazing. I missed it...

I start going to Well-Fit "classes" on Wednesday. After that, it's twelve weeks, twice a week. Monday and Wednesday on my good weeks, Monday and Friday on chemo weeks.

I'm not going to feel crappy again, when I don't have to. This time, cancer fucked with the wrong guy.

Jan. 25

2009-01-25T23:20:00.001-05:00

Jan. 25
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I LOOK LIKE AN ALIEN!

All googly-eyed and stuff.

It's probably all due to how much chemotherapy sucks, but as miserable as it is, the days in between rounds are sublime. I'm full of energy, I'm happy, and I'm surprisingly not bitchy. I even have a little bit of *gasp* hope.

I had a very good talk with Melissa's father about all this, earlier today. He's a really great guy, and I'm glad he and I get along so well. In talking, we sort of came to a very interesting consensus, that really made things click for me: It's deleterious to dwell on the negativity that stems from illness, however, it's plain moronic to suppress it.

Had I just about any other illness or health issue, or at least any experience I've previously had, I could count down to the approximate time it would be over. A migraine, a day, day and half. A cold, about four or five days. The flu or a sinus infection, about ten days (although I haven't had the flu in years). ... Hmm, otherwise, I've been pretty healthy. Go me.

With this, I can't count down to the end of cancer. I don't know when, or even if I'll ever be done with it. I can hope, and I can be as positive as I can about it, but I can't ignore the fact that there is a very real, albeit small, chance that this could turn around and kill me. Regardless, I don't know when I'll be "done". I can count down to what I hope will be the end of chemotherapy. I can count down to my scans. I can count down to a year from the day I was diagnosed. Two years. Three years... I can count down to any arbitrary day in the future... It still doesn't feel like I'll ever be "done" with cancer.

I'm not in despair. I'm not even that scared of it, anymore. Probably not even that upset. I've come to accept it as I would a scar. It's irreversible. It just is.

I "now" (or rather, I now am aware that I...) stand a higher chance of developing cancer (again) in my lifetime. Going by family history, I always figured I'd die of a stroke. Chances are, my lungs, liver, or prostate are going to decide to fuck me over at some point. However, my money's on leukemia. Probably this way, when I eventually do get some new cancer, I won't be as devastated. I'll go on chemo again, and I'll barter for more time, and I'll fight it. Maybe I'll win again. Maybe I won't.

I loved Kurt Vonnegut's "Slaughterhouse-Five". Billy Pilgrim has become unstuck in time. So it goes.

I get to live with cancer. So it goes.

Jan. 24

2009-01-25T00:23:00.001-05:00

Jan. 24
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

There are a couple of things I wanted to talk about in this entry, but it's damn late, at least for me. I have a perpetual feeling as though I've fallen behind, and I don't have enough time to catch up. At the same time, everything has slowed down to a crawl. Each good week after chemo flies right by, but chemotherapy itself is distant and arduous.

Wow, that sounded pompous.

I feel wound up, but I want to go to sleep. I should take an Ativan, but I hate feeling woozy. I have so little time left with a clear head... Ugh... At the same time, I have the urge to get piss-drunk and sing karaoke.

Point form.
- Social worker lady (known to the rest of humanity as Pat) wants me to have an appointment with a Psychiatrist
- Pat thinks I should consider anti-depressants
- Pat has some awesome logic: I'm already on a myriad of chemicals artificially making me depressed... What's a few more milligrams of something else that'll screw with my already screwed brain chemistry?
- I hate the thought of SSRIs, but I'm feeling like a grumpy burden to myself and others
- I'm not healthy
- ???
- PROFIT!

See? Long entry made easy. Thank you, point form!

Jan. 23

2009-01-23T23:57:00.001-05:00

Jan. 23
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

What a fucker. Seriously, this cancer is just no fun.

During Tuesday's chemo, I started getting some heart palpitations. I've been having them on and off since I got the port. Last night, I had full-on chest pains. Not good, not good...

Went to the hospital today. Met with the social worker lady. She's pretty awesome. I like her. More on that next time.

Talked to my supportive care coordinator about the chest issues. Lungs sounded clean, so we did an ECG. That came out clean, too. Waiting, more waiting... Finally did a chest xray... More waiting... Finally got results and thankfully(?) all came out clean. Heart issues are probably stress/anxiety/etc. Now I've got a prescription for Ativan. More pills! Woooo!!

Drug plan kicked in, at least. Hoo boy...

Jan. 22

2009-01-22T22:58:00.002-05:00

Jan. 22
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Okay, this might be a long one.

Might as well start with the big one. I'm not handling things too well. The fact that I've just gone through the last crap-tacular round of chemo does put me onto the safe side of a small bump along the road, but the increasingly difficult chemotherapy sessions are starting to worry me. I'm exhausted. My arm is starting to feel better, but it still hurts somewhat, and I can't lift things, still. The fact that it's my dominant arm, it causes issues. All this, coupled with all the crap that I went through with my port (which they still used for chemotherapy on Tuesday), as well as some shaky self-perceptions, and I'm heading for some intense personal dread and despair.

Thus, I've done what I can only hope can be counted as a sensible and responsible choice... I'm getting my ass into some sort of makeshift therapy. The hospital offers all sorts of counseling services, including group therapy and one on one bitch-fests. The former does not appeal to me. Hearing that other people are also miserable just makes me more depressed. The latter... Well, at least I feel qualified to attend that. I do bitch a lot, so, I should have no problem. So, tomorrow, I get to see the wonderful social worker assigned to my case, and... who knows.

Monday I start in the Well-Fit program at the University. One of the perks of getting cancer in this town, it seems, is that I have access to a gym and sort of a personal trainer at the University. I need the exercise, and it's free. Therefore, I'm happy. Also in exercise land, as I mentioned before, I got a pair of track spikes. I'll at least start walking at the Rec Centre track, and hopefully when my port fully heals, I'll start running.

I need to cut my hair. It's doing that thing where it flattens on the sides, and makes me look like a giant rooster. Yes, I am neurotic.

Migraine last night was pretty damned bad. Probably the worst I've ever had. Took one of the leftover tylenol 3s, and one of the nausea meds. Somehow I got to sleep, and slept for 14 hours. It's not even 11, and I'm exhausted.

I've put on more weight. I'm approximately 178 now. Still lighter than before I got sick, but now 20lbs heavier than when I was at my worst. Body image = in shambles.

I think my hair is thinning. Might be chemo. Might be stress. Might be male pattern baldness. Probably all three. Oh well.

Still waiting to have girls' night with Melissa. We've been too bloody busy...

Funny, now that I think about it... "girls' night"... because face masks and the such are girly, right? I mean, the hospital offers a seminar called "Look good, feel great" or something of the sort. Maybe it's the other way around... It's offered to women only, however. It's all about makeup and skin care, etc. Now, I don't much care about the makeup component, but the skin care? Let me tell you, my skin has gone to hell over the last two months. .... It's only been two months. Ugh. Anyway...

My skin's always been pretty good. I drink copious amounts of water, so I guess it flushes everything out. but since I started chemotherapy, it's dry and prone to irritation. I've started washing with an alpha hydroxy face wash, and moisturizing. Girly/metrosexual? Yes. Is it keeping me from feeling like a fucking freak every time I look in the mirror? Also yes.

To best describe the effects of chemotherapy on body image, I will use this example from Penny Arcade, but herein, Gabe (the dude with the black hair) is me, and chemotherapy is wonderfully portrayed by Tycho (the ... er... other dude!)

Moral of the rambly story: Cancer patients! Take care of yourselves! Your body is a withering husk!!

Addendum: The nausea meds are called Stemetil.

Jan. 21

2009-01-21T22:30:00.001-05:00

Jan. 21
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Got a headache that exploded into a full-out migraine. So close to throwing up. Chemo isn't helping.

I'm going to try to choke down a banana, and go to bed.

Good night.

Jan. 20

2009-01-21T00:37:00.001-05:00

Jan. 20
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Had chemo yet again. It still sucks...

1/3 of the way there. Please, please let it be 1/3 of the way there.

So tired. Way past bed time.

Jan. 19

2009-01-20T00:43:00.001-05:00

Jan. 19
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Oh, damn long day.

Here's the abridged version:

- Lots of stuff to do.
- I have some great friends. Weee...
- Got track spikes so I can start running at the rec complex next week.
- I'm craving protein like crazy.
- Chemo in the morning.
- Work I have to somehow do between now and then, that won't get done.

Jan. 18

2009-01-19T00:16:00.001-05:00

Jan. 18
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Sadly, girls' night with Melissa got postponed. One part familial obligations, and two parts laziness, and we didn't get around to it until about 11, when we decided it was too late. Ergo, hopefully tomorrow I get to be a pretty girl!

I got the chance to talk a fair bit with one of Melissa's aunts today, who went through the breast cancer fiasco a couple of years ago. It's funny that despite shared experiences, the mere fact that she's so much farther along than I am led to some inability to fully relate. I completely understand that indeed, something like this can awaken a person, and maybe it's easier to see the positive aspects of it once you're done chemo, at least, but we both agreed that while you're in the midst of it, it's pretty damned hard to see anything good.

I'm sure a lot of people are forced to re-evaluate their lives as a result of cancer. I'm sure a lot of people change their lives drastically once in remission. I, on the other hand, don't really foresee that. I was perfectly content with my lifestyle, and I miss it like fire. I was healthy, I was happy, and I was working toward something good. Sure, I've learned to no longer take some things for granted... But I learned that lesson within a month of my diagnosis. Fuck, I learned that even before I got formally diagnosed... I don't need to sit in the Chemo Suite at the hospital every other week, waiting for my veins to shrivel up and die, in order to become a "better person".

Boo-fucking-hoo for me. To paraphrase the crappy old song... It's my cancer, and I'll cry if I want to. Getting sick is definitely not showing me how strong a person I am. Instead, it's throwing me for near anxiety attacks with alarming frequency. If I stand any chance of not becoming an impoverished version of Scrooge McDuck, I need to give up and let someone more qualified take over. Otherwise, I'm headed for a massive tailspin between this arm crap, the port, chemo, cancer, and this cold that's the immune system equivalent of a major cock-tease.

Hoo, and this entry started in decent spirits...

Jan. 17

2009-01-17T23:27:00.001-05:00

Jan. 17
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Oh, I'm a fat little piggie. Buffet dinner. Might as well pack it in before chemo comes around again and appetite flies out the window.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. Melissa and I are going to have a girls' night. Oh yeah. Some face masks, maybe a little bit of hair dye... It'll be hott. That's right. Two t's for that shit.

Also, bandage adhesive makes my skin really fucking itchy. Grr...

Jan. 16

2009-01-16T23:16:00.003-05:00

Jan. 16
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Had my dressing change today. The rather un-talkative yet quite capable (which is infinitely better than the alternative) nurse used a ton of solvent to get the dressing off my chest. I kept giggling, because I kept thinking of the "man-o-lantern" scene in the 40 Year Old Virgin. I tried finding a clip, but to no avail. To those who have yet to see Steve Carell get his chest waxed, I highly recommend it. Hi-larious.

Anyway, all that's healing up along nicely, they say. I'm glad for that... I guess I will have to get chemo in the arm again, though -- it'll be too soon to use the port. I'll ask them to run some extra saline or something, because my right arm fucking HURTS. If they mess up my left arm as well, I'm screwed. I guess I better learn to colour with my feet... Then I'll be like a little chimpanzee... Not quite as hairy, but just as rabid.

Cue chimp noises and poo-flinging. Maybe that's a tactic I'll try next time I go in for chemo. Jump up on a gurney and make monkey noises. They might give me some more of that vicadin-like sedative. Ah, how sweet it is.

Jan. 15

2009-01-15T22:26:00.001-05:00

Jan. 15
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Fuck my life.

Last round of chemo, all of a sudden I had severe pain in my arm. They stopped the treatment, wrapped my arm in hot blankets, and started it up again. Business as usual.

Eleven days later, my arm hurts. It still hurts, and it's spreading. The vein is swollen, as is the tissue around it. Oh. It would seem that's pretty much classic vein damage from chemotherapy.

I'm so sick of this fucking cancer!

If this port doesn't work, heads will fucking roll.

Jan. 14

2009-01-14T20:59:00.001-05:00

Jan. 14
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

You know, they make the port-a-cath insertion sound like it's nothing. Let me tell you, it is more than a little something.

I'll readily admit that I'm a big ol' wuss, but I'm not enjoying things one bit.

Actually, what's bugging me most is the copious amount of dressing over the chest. I've already found myself in front of the bathroom mirror with a pair of scissors hacking away at the bandages a couple of times, today. Itchy...

Been taking benadryl every few hours for the rash, and took tylenol with codeine once or twice for the "discomfort". These last few weeks really have sucked, you know?

That's about all I can say about today. Spent it working. I had/have a huge stack of data packets to enter. My omnihelpful (yay for made-up words) mother helped me with that. In other words, my morning and afternoon consisted of pressing the numbers 1 through 7 in seemingly random order, followed by the right arrow key. Her afternoon largely consisted of reading the numbers 1 through 7 in seemingly random order. No right arrow key for her, though.

Jan. 13

2009-01-13T23:38:00.001-05:00

Jan. 13
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Here are four photos from today. I'd work up a witty context and link each accordingly, but I mostly feel like shit. Hospital gowns are ugly, I easily get bored, there are a lot of things that can go wrong during a port-a-cath insertion, and the dressing is fucking bulky.

The day started off very well, actually. My dearest momsy gave Melissa and me* a ride to the hospital for my port-a-cath fun. Even the lineup in registration wasn't that bad... I was in good enough spirits, really. The second photo up there, of the glove balloon, proves that even in the face of surgery, I still believe in wasting hospital supplies.

Then came the actual procedure. The consent info did not serve to quell my apprehension, in the least... And then things got worse.

I don't know if this counts as proper irony, or just really dark fucking humor on someone's part, but this actually made me laugh (which wasn't a very good thing, given that I was laughing as they were cutting right by the jugular). The first incision proved useless, as the lymph nodes below my neck were still too swollen and densely packed to thread the catheter through. Thus came even more freezing, and then a second incision.

I never ever want to hear a surgeon say "Hmmm... that's funny..." in a concerned tone ever, ever again.

At this point I was starting to freak out a bit because I was feeling every fucking cut and blood spurt and they decided sedation was a good idea. I'll pick up on the sedative bit according to when it actually kicked in.

I can describe the level of pain you can expect to feel during a port-a-cath insertion, when the freezing doesn't do jack shit. It's sort of like the worst burning cough imaginable, except it's scraping its way through a vein and artery on the way to the heart. It doesn't hurt so much as it makes you want to claw at your chest and yell "GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT THE FUCK OUT!"

One of the poor nurses was kind/unfortunate enough to hold my hand at this point, and I can only hope the damage wasn't permanent.

Only when the surgeon announced that he was on the second-to-last stitch, did the sedative kick in. I'm told the high is similar to vicodin, and if that's the case, I can understand people getting hooked on it. [insert House, M.D.-related vicodin joke]

At this point when I was incoherently babbling and getting patched and cleaned up, and I finally stopped feeling a good chunk of my chest, somehow conversation turned to pets. Turns out discussing the relatively recent death of family pets is a bad idea when under sedation.

They then wheeled me out on a stretcher to the observation room. Fun times here, let me tell you.

Melissa, who has by now qualified for the "most wonderful girlfriend on the face of the earth" award a few thousand times over, was kind enough to keep me company, as well as keep me from biting people. Let me tell you, a groggy Armand is a grumpy Armand, but a groggy Armand coming off sedation after a shitty surgery, and also now in an increasing amount of pain, is a whole other kind of treat.

Thank you, honey, for not leaving me.

I guess the awful part is, this is where my day started to go bad.

First, one of the home care nurses came to see how I was doing, and said a home care nurse would visit me at home to change my "first dressing". I said that I was already booked for the first dressing change at the Cancer Center for tomorrow morning. She said she'd look into it.

In the meantime, this wonderful, spreading, itching rash that's left me with blotchy hives over my hands and right arm was acting up again (go go gadget chemotherapy side-effects), and after some debate, we decided I should pay a visit to the Cancer Center and perhaps see my doctor.

Once discharged, following my first (and hopefully last) wheelchair trip to the Cancer Center, I missed a call telling me that I will be visited at home by one of the nurses for a dressing change. As I was listening to the message for said missed call, I got yet another call from the hospital telling me that no, no, I should come to the hospital for the dressing change after all. While on the phone, the nurse-replacement (my supportive care nurse was sick, apparently) came by with word from the doc. 50mg Benadryl + 0.5 hydrocortisone creme + Udderly Smooth. I couldn't help but think of Chris Rock's "Robitussin" sketch.

Wheelchair trip to pharmacy.

Benadryl comes in 100ml bottles... With a concentration of 12.5mg of the active ingredient per table spoon. Now I know I'm anal about some things, but you'd think they'd be able to keep it to one fucking measurement system! Perhaps if they tossed some quarts or maybe some bleeding chevrons in there, it would be obfuscating enough to drive people to stay healthier or something.

While figuring out dosage with the pharmacist (and eventually opting for the pill form, with clearly marked dosage), I also had the distinct pleasure of having some underparented runt ram into my wheelchair several times in order to reach to the candy bar display under the counter. I was holding the interac machine at that moment, and the thought of how quick and easy it would be to choke the life out of the little shit with the cord crossed my mind more than once. Oh, I'm so happy chemotherapy made me sterile.

While waiting at the hospital entrance for my mother to come pick us up, I got yet another call from the hospital: my dressing change will now take place on friday at a clinic down the road from the hospital.

What a fucking joke.

* grammar lesson: Although we're generally taught to say "...and I" when referring to the company of another person, that is oftentimes wrong. The best way to tell whether you should be using "and I" or "and me" is to take the other individual out of the sentence. Thus, my dearest momsy gave [...] me a ride to the hospital. You see what I did there? Word magic!

What, I believe in good grammar.

Jan. 12

2009-01-12T23:00:00.001-05:00

Jan. 12
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Do not let the gloomy expression fool you, I'm actually nowhere near as miserable as I look in the picture.

Today's been a pretty good day. Probably a whole bunch of things are contributing to it, but it's also the first Monday after chemo, so I'm at that sweet spot right after the chemo sickness, and before the red cells start to tank again.

In the morning, I'm off to (try once again to hopefully) get my port-a-cath. I'm sure pictures and a play-by-play will follow.

I got a call from the hospital while I was at work, detailing the procedure, etc. I'll be there at 9 to register, then there will be some massive thumb-twiddling, then surgery, then a lot of thumb-sitting. Apparently they'll be keeping me for observation and the such until 2:30 or so in the afternoon. Really now... If it requires observation... That's beginning to be a bit worrisome. Ah well. They're only aiming for a major artery... What could possibly go wrong?

Jan. 11

2009-01-12T00:03:00.001-05:00

Jan. 11
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Well, I've finally started feeling better. It's a nice change.

I've been sleeping between 10 and 14 hours per night, and then the additional 1 or 2 hour nap.

Kinda torn between giving up on my appearance or anything of the sort, as I generally feel like crap... And then trying desperately to look and feel good, despite the cancer, etc.

Also, facial hair has started coming in BLOND. What the hell. I know it was supposed to start falling out or something, and I think it might be thinning out in some spots, but BLOND?? Crazy shit.

Tomorrow is an early day. Nap time.

Jan. 10

2009-01-10T23:28:00.001-05:00

Jan. 10
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I got nothin'.

Jan. 09

2009-01-10T00:39:00.001-05:00

Jan. 09
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I thought that by delaying this entry, I might get the chance to write it while I've a) stopped wanting to set the hospital on fire, or at the very least b) no longer feel nauseous. I need only think of chemotherapy, and I begin feeling ill. That's some hell of a Pavlovian response I've got going nowadays.

I figured out why life sucks so much this round. First round of chemo, I was about 165lbs. It sucked. Second round of chemo, I was about 170lbs, but they didn't adjust for that... Lower chemo to body mass ratio. They re-adjusted for my newfound 176lb weight. And hooo boy... I am miserable.

Quarter of the way through... All I can hope is that I can get away with the 6 cycle protocol, not the 8. An extra four doses of this, and I might as well give up now.

Happy thoughts all around.

I'll try to catch up on comments and emails tomorrow. Once again, thank you for all your kind words and thoughts.

Jan. 08

2009-01-08T11:09:00.001-05:00

Jan. 08
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I learned something very strange, today...

When you get a call from the hospital, telling you that you have a procedure scheduled for 10:30...

And your online itinerary says 10:30 as well...

You are supposed to telepathically -- nay, fucking magically know that you are supposed to be there for 9.

But that way, you get to have the blank-faced receptionist stare at you like you are a fucking moron, and say "well.. too bad for you."

No port for me today. Another week of waiting and anxiety until I finally get to have this god damned procedure. You know when I finally get to go for it? On tuesday. Right about when I should be feeling okay again, after all this chemo shit. FUCK. MY. LIFE. Fuck cancer, fuck the hospital, fuck snarky receptionists, fuck everything.

I don't have the time or the energy to deal with this crap. I don't have the energy to deal with the stuff that comes unavoidably. I don't need any more shit added from surly assholes who hate their jobs.

Jan. 07

2009-01-07T22:42:00.001-05:00

Jan. 07
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

I have a new friend. Let's call her... Uhm... Ivy...? (Hurr hurr... IV... Ivy... Get it?).

Oh, good ol classical conditioning. I feel nauseous even looking at that pic.

Actually, I feel a bit nauseous right now. Ugh. Stupid chemotherapy.

Went to work today. That was nice. It's great to find meaning in what you do, no matter what that may be. It's somehow very fitting, and somehow very macabre, but I'm TAing a Psychology of Death and Dying class this term. Today was the first class, and in my little introductory speech, I pointed out that I'm undergoing chemotherapy. I can hope it makes me somewhat more approachable to students who are dealing with similar issues, and I hope I didn't invite boundary-crushing crap, but we'll see what adventures time shall bring.

Chemo sucked, yesterday. I'm trying to remember the order of the drugs I got. The last one, which I thought was Doxorubicin (but it ain't!), resulted in HOLY SHIT FUCKING PAIN in my arm. That wasn't too good. Reading up on the ABVD drugs now, I realize it's not the Dox. The Dox, however, is also nicknamed the Red Devil, or Red Death. And it makes my pee pink.

I think it was the Dacarbazine. Either way, it sucks.

I really wish I hadn't gotten this stupid cold overtop of the sickness. My lips are cracked and I've got a fucker of a sinus infection. Blowing yellow snot does not add to my dwindling general feeling of health and happiness.

It is what it is. Only four more months. And a week. After that, it's a new life... The day I finish, which I hope will be on or around May 12th, will be my unofficial new birthday.

Speaking of birthday... Which, in my chemotherapy-induced quasi-schizophrenic state, made me think of birthday prezzies, I realize I've neglected to mention the wealth of gifts I've received from friends and the like, over the last couple of months. For once, I won't be a prick about it, and just say thanks :)

Tomorrow I see one of the hospital social workers about the drug plan stuff. Submitting receipts, etc. After that, I go for my surgery. Hurray port-a-cath. Then, I hope to get some groceries, and then, it's more bad movies for me. Among a couple others, I finally watched From Dusk Till Dawn yesterday. I cannot stress how ridiculously awesomely awful that movie is. If you've got some brain cells to kill, I highly recommend it.

Jan. 06

2009-01-06T23:57:00.002-05:00

Jan. 6
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Oh, fuck cancer.

Cycle two, round one. I don't recall my arm hurting during chemo before.

The drowziness begins with the benadryl, and it doesn't stop.

Food already tastes like shit, but I'm used to that from the cold. I'll give a more ... real... ish... update tomorrow.

Jan. 05

2009-01-05T10:43:00.002-05:00

Jan. 05
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

Judging by my oft-furrowed brow, I'm starting to think I'm developing a perma-scowl. I wonder why that would be.

I went to the hospital today for blood work and a meeting with my doc. Got some work done in between my appointments... The awesomeness of real life is setting in, again. My holiday vacation certainly was very un-vacation-like.

I have a really great doctor, and I really must be thankful for that. She's very encouraging, and I'm glad to have her on my side. She said I'm making good progress, and hopes I'll be done after six cycles. One down, five to go. I guess that means two rounds of chemo down, ten more to go. Stupid cancer.

After two more cycles (four rounds, 56 days), I'll have a new CT and gallium scan. If those show that there is no more lymphoma, I'll be done by May. May... If all goes well, May 12 I get my last round of chemotherapy. May 12 I can say I kicked cancer's ass. May 12 I get to not be cancer boy anymore.

Hah.

Some days I wonder if I'll ever stop being cancer boy. It's such an integral part of my identity now, that I think I might just grieve the loss of hospitals and needles and sickness.

Or not.

Jan. 04

2009-01-05T00:12:00.001-05:00

Jan. 04
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

And I forgot to blog again. Sheesh.

I'm sick. At times, I feel good. At times, I feel like I do right now.

Today's been a day of liquids and vitamins. I hope they are having at least some positive effect.

Tomorrow it's off to the doctor's, bright and early, and then it's back to real life... Hurray... or not...

I really hope this fucking cold doesn't interfere with chemotherapy...

Jan. 03

2009-01-03T16:59:00.002-05:00

Jan. 03
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy

So, I got a cold. I can't breathe, and I'm irritable and fucking hell, I don't know if it's the chemo or just some good old fashioned neurological dysfunction, but I'm dropping everything and everything is getting caught on everything else and klds832jklfdas. Yep. That's right. klds832jklfdas.

That, and I've turned... gelationous... It seems as though all the muscle I had built up over the summer what with the constant biking and the such, has been replaced. That, in tandem with the cold and the low red count and whatnot, I'm winded after walking up a flight of stairs. I believe I've made mention of this before: I used to sprint up four stories in the Psych building on campus, and not even feel it. Thirteen steps from the main floor, to my bedroom. They. Kill. Me.

I feel old and tired and fat and useless.

Also, my hair is not falling out. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad about that... But it makes me wonder if the chemo is working right, somehow. Maybe because I've cut it so short, it's not thinning out as badly. That must be it. *nervous chuckle*

Addendum: Provided I'm not completely dead, tomorrow I get on the exercise bike. I've been putting it off because I've been feeling crappy and just been getting involved in all sorts of time-consuming stuff, but that's it. I won't feel any better if I don't get some exercise.