Almost a year, almost halfway there.
In a year's time, I'll probably start feeling a bit safer. Two years of high risk, they say. Then again, they say a lot of crap.
I'm trying to fight off the end of a monster cold. It's day 13, and my chest is still not happy with me. I'm writing this for two reasons - one, a humble apology/explanation for my googly-eyed photo, and two, colds result in swollen lymph nodes, and it takes all I've got not to start freaking the hell out.
So, how's everyone else doing?
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Mar. 18
Hello world.
Still alive.
Occasional check-ups at the hospital suck. I hate being back there. Alas, I'll take the occasional checkups over the once frequent visits.
I hope you are all well, here in cancer blog land.
I'm going back in hiding, now.
I'm sort of like a meteor shower, or perhaps a unicorn, like that.
Still alive.
Occasional check-ups at the hospital suck. I hate being back there. Alas, I'll take the occasional checkups over the once frequent visits.
I hope you are all well, here in cancer blog land.
I'm going back in hiding, now.
I'm sort of like a meteor shower, or perhaps a unicorn, like that.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Jul. 13
Hello forgotten blog. It's been a while.
As of the 9th, I've finished 16 rounds of chemotherapy. That's more than anyone should ever have to do, and it's more than I care to ever remember.
I'm tired and grumpy and everything hurts. I've started having pain in my hips and the bones in my thighs after the last few rounds, and this last time was no exception.
But I'm mostly over all that. I'm starting to bounce back a bit. Still tired and shellshocked, but I'm bouncing back.
I have a CT scan coming up to document the size of the nodes after "eight cycles of ABVD". I have a PET scan coming up to gauge glucose uptake, and perhaps lead to radiation.
15 percent chance of recurrence in the next two years.
If PET is clean, 2-3 percent chance of recurrence.
Just thought I'd write to thank all those who continue to offer support. I'm sorry I'm running away, but it's pretty much all I know how to do now. I don't update anymore, I got rid of my facebook account, I've deleted a bunch of old email addresses, etc. If I could get away with canceling my cellphone plan, I would.
Life's good, except for when I remember that there is no day in sight when I won't think about cancer. My life changed for ever, and it did not change for the better.
I did some reading on radiation side-effects, and how if it hits the lungs, it causes breathing problems, and if it hits the esophagus, it makes it hard to swallow, causes constant heartburn and coughing fits. I read how people who had radiation for hodgkin's in the past came out with a variety of cancers afterwards. Yeah, I'm pretty depressed about the whole affair.
Also, I thought I'd share a brief non-cancer anecdote. The other day, I was waiting at a red light to turn left. A bus tried to squeeze past me and turn right. In the process, it mangled the front right corner of my car. Then the police officer who came to file the report took my driver's license, and promptly lost it. Now my car's in the shop. I have no car, I have no ID... Tip of the ice berg.
As of the 9th, I've finished 16 rounds of chemotherapy. That's more than anyone should ever have to do, and it's more than I care to ever remember.
I'm tired and grumpy and everything hurts. I've started having pain in my hips and the bones in my thighs after the last few rounds, and this last time was no exception.
But I'm mostly over all that. I'm starting to bounce back a bit. Still tired and shellshocked, but I'm bouncing back.
I have a CT scan coming up to document the size of the nodes after "eight cycles of ABVD". I have a PET scan coming up to gauge glucose uptake, and perhaps lead to radiation.
15 percent chance of recurrence in the next two years.
If PET is clean, 2-3 percent chance of recurrence.
Just thought I'd write to thank all those who continue to offer support. I'm sorry I'm running away, but it's pretty much all I know how to do now. I don't update anymore, I got rid of my facebook account, I've deleted a bunch of old email addresses, etc. If I could get away with canceling my cellphone plan, I would.
Life's good, except for when I remember that there is no day in sight when I won't think about cancer. My life changed for ever, and it did not change for the better.
I did some reading on radiation side-effects, and how if it hits the lungs, it causes breathing problems, and if it hits the esophagus, it makes it hard to swallow, causes constant heartburn and coughing fits. I read how people who had radiation for hodgkin's in the past came out with a variety of cancers afterwards. Yeah, I'm pretty depressed about the whole affair.
Also, I thought I'd share a brief non-cancer anecdote. The other day, I was waiting at a red light to turn left. A bus tried to squeeze past me and turn right. In the process, it mangled the front right corner of my car. Then the police officer who came to file the report took my driver's license, and promptly lost it. Now my car's in the shop. I have no car, I have no ID... Tip of the ice berg.
Monday, June 8, 2009
June 08
Oh hello there, forgotten blog.
So I've been busy. Attempting to get ready for Vancouver, which is now in just over a week, working on various things around the house, trying to pull a manuscript out of my thesis (though some would argue that I'm pulling it out of... somewhere else)... It's been keeping me pretty full.
Tomorrow is round 14 of chemo. I'm back to only needing about 10 hours of sleep per night, now, but the week after, I find I need about 13 to function.
I've always hated chemotherapy, but before, I really felt like it did some good. Now it just makes me miserable and tired and useless. Pooey. But I'd be lying if I said I don't look forward to a couple of days of sitting on the couch, catching up on some movie watching. I've been way too busy.
I suspect the blogging thing is more or less up for me. I'm sure it's not the last update, and for all I know, my life might become more exciting and I'll write more, but since the cancer thing is done -- and by no means am I sad about that -- I just don't have much to say, anymore. At least not to the masses.
I started to write here because I wanted to help others in my shoes. I've lamented over this before -- especially with lymphoma, there are no resources. I've encountered maybe three other people who have/had the same cancer over the last eight months, and not one of them in person. I wanted to provide a bit of a safe haven, if I may be so grandiose. I wanted to help people understand that it's not the end of the world. Or maybe warn them that it is, in case things went to hell for me.
Perhaps as a function of both my tenacious desire for privacy/anonymity, and some self deprecating notion that my life is boring, I don't really feel comfortable writing about every detail.
I'm trying to piece my life back together now. I know I'm jumping the gun, because I've yet to even finish chemotherapy. I've got one more month and a day. I don't even feel like "cancer boy" anymore. After this, I can't even pass as "chemo lad".
So I've been busy. Attempting to get ready for Vancouver, which is now in just over a week, working on various things around the house, trying to pull a manuscript out of my thesis (though some would argue that I'm pulling it out of... somewhere else)... It's been keeping me pretty full.
Tomorrow is round 14 of chemo. I'm back to only needing about 10 hours of sleep per night, now, but the week after, I find I need about 13 to function.
I've always hated chemotherapy, but before, I really felt like it did some good. Now it just makes me miserable and tired and useless. Pooey. But I'd be lying if I said I don't look forward to a couple of days of sitting on the couch, catching up on some movie watching. I've been way too busy.
I suspect the blogging thing is more or less up for me. I'm sure it's not the last update, and for all I know, my life might become more exciting and I'll write more, but since the cancer thing is done -- and by no means am I sad about that -- I just don't have much to say, anymore. At least not to the masses.
I started to write here because I wanted to help others in my shoes. I've lamented over this before -- especially with lymphoma, there are no resources. I've encountered maybe three other people who have/had the same cancer over the last eight months, and not one of them in person. I wanted to provide a bit of a safe haven, if I may be so grandiose. I wanted to help people understand that it's not the end of the world. Or maybe warn them that it is, in case things went to hell for me.
Perhaps as a function of both my tenacious desire for privacy/anonymity, and some self deprecating notion that my life is boring, I don't really feel comfortable writing about every detail.
I'm trying to piece my life back together now. I know I'm jumping the gun, because I've yet to even finish chemotherapy. I've got one more month and a day. I don't even feel like "cancer boy" anymore. After this, I can't even pass as "chemo lad".
Monday, May 25, 2009
May 25
Just finished a small mound of articles that I've been reading, and came up with an additional 3 sources to check out. But soon, soon, I may begin writing.
Had my doc's appointment today. Opted for an additional four rounds of chemotherapy (bringing the total to a whopping sixteen). I'm not happy about that, but I'm not crushed, either. As per my last CT scans, my largest lymph nodes are down to .7cm. That's half what they were a short while ago. If protocol is to go two cycles (four rounds) past the time of remission, then I think it's very much a good idea.
Remission. Heh... I'm in remission. I beat this fucking obscure little cancer that barely has any literature on it, because, well, I'm guessing since there's not a lot of sufferers, it wouldn't sell. When I was first diagnosed, I bought a Chemotherapy and Radiation for Dummies book, because it mentioned Hodgkin's. I also bought a hardcover, limited edition of Where the Wild Things Are. The latter was a much better use of money.
I'm having a grumpy moment here, so excuse the profanity (and its mere presence will be quite shocking, I'm sure)... But fuck this stupid cancer. I'm glad that if I had to get get sick, I at least got a rather curable one, but for some reason, it hasn't hit me until now. I had no fucking resources to tap into. Thank you, wikipedia. Your statistics sure do provide comfort on lonely nights.
At least I got a cool purple ribbon out of it.
Ahem.
I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, anymore. I need to get back to work. It's chemo #13 tomorrow, so I'd better get my stuff sorted out today.
Had my doc's appointment today. Opted for an additional four rounds of chemotherapy (bringing the total to a whopping sixteen). I'm not happy about that, but I'm not crushed, either. As per my last CT scans, my largest lymph nodes are down to .7cm. That's half what they were a short while ago. If protocol is to go two cycles (four rounds) past the time of remission, then I think it's very much a good idea.
Remission. Heh... I'm in remission. I beat this fucking obscure little cancer that barely has any literature on it, because, well, I'm guessing since there's not a lot of sufferers, it wouldn't sell. When I was first diagnosed, I bought a Chemotherapy and Radiation for Dummies book, because it mentioned Hodgkin's. I also bought a hardcover, limited edition of Where the Wild Things Are. The latter was a much better use of money.
I'm having a grumpy moment here, so excuse the profanity (and its mere presence will be quite shocking, I'm sure)... But fuck this stupid cancer. I'm glad that if I had to get get sick, I at least got a rather curable one, but for some reason, it hasn't hit me until now. I had no fucking resources to tap into. Thank you, wikipedia. Your statistics sure do provide comfort on lonely nights.
At least I got a cool purple ribbon out of it.
Ahem.
I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about, anymore. I need to get back to work. It's chemo #13 tomorrow, so I'd better get my stuff sorted out today.
Friday, May 22, 2009
May 22
So, long story short, blah blah blah, I still don't get to find out whether I'm done chemo until Monday.
But oh yeah, this is a rather small detail, you know, rather trivial, but it would seem I beat cancer. You know, one of those things.
If the facetiousness of that statement hasn't dripped onto the floor and left a sizable puddle just yet, well, allow me to spell it out. I'm fucking ecstatic.
So happy, in fact, that I spontaneously grew hair!
The fact that it's the same colour as Melissa's has nothing to do with it.
But oh yeah, this is a rather small detail, you know, rather trivial, but it would seem I beat cancer. You know, one of those things.
If the facetiousness of that statement hasn't dripped onto the floor and left a sizable puddle just yet, well, allow me to spell it out. I'm fucking ecstatic.
So happy, in fact, that I spontaneously grew hair!
The fact that it's the same colour as Melissa's has nothing to do with it.
Monday, May 18, 2009
May 18
So I decided to switch it up with the facial hair. I was trying to maximize the skeeze factor, but still not go full-out linebeard. That's just not cool. Anyway, Melissa detests it. Because I'm somewhat of an awful person, and draw pleasure from others' misery, I very much enjoy it.
You know, I think this is the first time my chin has seen the light of day since I was 17 or so.
I'd like to stop having nightmares about cancer. The other night I dreamt lymph nodes in my neck were so swollen, that my throat was threatening to close up. I've been having a bit of trouble breathing -- not sure if it's chemo attacking lungs, or a mild chest cold. That's been leading to lung cancer nightmares. Muscles and joints have been aching. I dream of swollen, blackened limbs. I really wish I could get all this to stop, already.
My teeth hurt. I'm clenching my jaw all the time.
So... uh... life's good, yeah.
You know, I think this is the first time my chin has seen the light of day since I was 17 or so.
I'd like to stop having nightmares about cancer. The other night I dreamt lymph nodes in my neck were so swollen, that my throat was threatening to close up. I've been having a bit of trouble breathing -- not sure if it's chemo attacking lungs, or a mild chest cold. That's been leading to lung cancer nightmares. Muscles and joints have been aching. I dream of swollen, blackened limbs. I really wish I could get all this to stop, already.
My teeth hurt. I'm clenching my jaw all the time.
So... uh... life's good, yeah.
Friday, May 15, 2009
May 15
Fuck fatigue. Same with cancer, same with chemo, etc. Lots o humpin' to go around. Vicious, angry, spiteful humping.
I slept about 15 hours today, and I'm ready for more bed. I got nothing done. Just slept. When I'm not asleep, I'm feeling exhausted and drowsy. I think my bone marrow must be pretty much clear by now.
I feel like my body is a rolled up sheet of copy paper, and a mere flick could fold it in half. I'm miserable.
But today, for the first time, I had morels for dinner. Oh sweet lord, those are yummy.
Also, I make poor decisions. It's hard for me to keep up with the blogging, but I've hopped on the twitter bandwagon, and I can update that more easily from my phone. And lo, I tweet.
As a final cancer note for this entry, I think the chemo is starting to attack my lungs. I'm having a bit of difficulty breathing. I don't like it. I want to be done.
I slept about 15 hours today, and I'm ready for more bed. I got nothing done. Just slept. When I'm not asleep, I'm feeling exhausted and drowsy. I think my bone marrow must be pretty much clear by now.
I feel like my body is a rolled up sheet of copy paper, and a mere flick could fold it in half. I'm miserable.
But today, for the first time, I had morels for dinner. Oh sweet lord, those are yummy.
Also, I make poor decisions. It's hard for me to keep up with the blogging, but I've hopped on the twitter bandwagon, and I can update that more easily from my phone. And lo, I tweet.
As a final cancer note for this entry, I think the chemo is starting to attack my lungs. I'm having a bit of difficulty breathing. I don't like it. I want to be done.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
May 14
I've been meaning to write an entry for some time, but I've been very busy playing catch-up with work, and before I knew it, chemo hit, and it all went to hell... Again...
I had my CT scan. That went okay, until the contrast hit and I ended up throwing up inside the machine. Not so fun. Had my Gallium scan. That was uneventful. All glory to Steve Jobs and the wonder of the iPhone. Music sure does make a 2.5 hour scan go by rather quickly. Then came chemo #12. My port stared fucking up -- couldn't draw blood out of it before the chemo, but at least they could push, and I got the fucking poison, no problem.
Now I get to wait about a week to find out whether I require additional chemotherapy. I really hope I'm done.
But, then again, I have a rather horrid suspicion that I'm not done yet. My doctor wants to make the "right decision" which, I realize is the one that's most likely to keep me alive, but it's also the one that makes me the most miserable.
I've become a bit frustrated with the gym thing. It's not my goal to become some muscle-bound idiot -- it's not a particularly appealing look, I don't think, and I don't much have the frame to support it. That being said, muscle gain has been rather lacking. Then I did some reading. Chemo patients, listen up, this is in your best interest!
The average person requires 0.8 grams of protein per kilogram of healthy weight per day in order to prevent muscle wasting. A chemo patient requires a full 1.5 grams of protein per kilogram of healthy weight per day! That's almost double!
Given my weight, I discovered that I would need to consume roughly half a kilogram of lean pork per day, to prevent muscle wasting. No wonder I'm barely building any muscle.
Also, whey protein is a precursor to... Some compound, I forget... Which allegedly helps prevent some cancers. Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
Also, in living with Melissa, I've inherited a cat. A rather stupid cat. But I love him so.
I had my CT scan. That went okay, until the contrast hit and I ended up throwing up inside the machine. Not so fun. Had my Gallium scan. That was uneventful. All glory to Steve Jobs and the wonder of the iPhone. Music sure does make a 2.5 hour scan go by rather quickly. Then came chemo #12. My port stared fucking up -- couldn't draw blood out of it before the chemo, but at least they could push, and I got the fucking poison, no problem.
Now I get to wait about a week to find out whether I require additional chemotherapy. I really hope I'm done.
But, then again, I have a rather horrid suspicion that I'm not done yet. My doctor wants to make the "right decision" which, I realize is the one that's most likely to keep me alive, but it's also the one that makes me the most miserable.
I've become a bit frustrated with the gym thing. It's not my goal to become some muscle-bound idiot -- it's not a particularly appealing look, I don't think, and I don't much have the frame to support it. That being said, muscle gain has been rather lacking. Then I did some reading. Chemo patients, listen up, this is in your best interest!
The average person requires 0.8 grams of protein per kilogram of healthy weight per day in order to prevent muscle wasting. A chemo patient requires a full 1.5 grams of protein per kilogram of healthy weight per day! That's almost double!
Given my weight, I discovered that I would need to consume roughly half a kilogram of lean pork per day, to prevent muscle wasting. No wonder I'm barely building any muscle.
Also, whey protein is a precursor to... Some compound, I forget... Which allegedly helps prevent some cancers. Drink up me hearties, yo ho.
Also, in living with Melissa, I've inherited a cat. A rather stupid cat. But I love him so.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
May 05
And a customarily belated update.
- Melissa and I are going to Vancouver! I'm presenting some research at a conference, and it sounds like a great excuse to a) meet up with some of Melissa's relatives in BC, b) check out the UBC campus, and c) travel a bit!
- Fatigue is really setting in. I need a minimum of 10 hours of sleep per night.
- ...
You know, I thought I'd have more to say.
So it goes. It goes. ... Shrug?
- Melissa and I are going to Vancouver! I'm presenting some research at a conference, and it sounds like a great excuse to a) meet up with some of Melissa's relatives in BC, b) check out the UBC campus, and c) travel a bit!
- Fatigue is really setting in. I need a minimum of 10 hours of sleep per night.
- ...
You know, I thought I'd have more to say.
So it goes. It goes. ... Shrug?
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Apr. 30
I don't know if it's my generally pallid colouring, or if it's the fact that I've recently buzzed my hair shorter than ever, but I feel like I actually look like a "cancer victim" these days.
Could just be that I feel like absolute crap after chemo#11.
I have bright spots where I get stuff done -- I've swept today... That's kind of an accomplishment... But my batteries are much too drained to actually get out of the house and go to work. I guess this week's a coma week, and next week I'll play catch-up.
I had really messed up dreams last night. I dreamt I was swimming to Montreal (...??), and all was going well, until I got trapped under some fallen pillars and began to drown. When I got my heart rate back down and fell back asleep, I guess I made it to Montreal, and was shooting a music video for the Beastie Boys, all the while stealing donuts and playing with a Batarang.
I want a Batarang. Donuts, not so much.
Could just be that I feel like absolute crap after chemo#11.
I have bright spots where I get stuff done -- I've swept today... That's kind of an accomplishment... But my batteries are much too drained to actually get out of the house and go to work. I guess this week's a coma week, and next week I'll play catch-up.
I had really messed up dreams last night. I dreamt I was swimming to Montreal (...??), and all was going well, until I got trapped under some fallen pillars and began to drown. When I got my heart rate back down and fell back asleep, I guess I made it to Montreal, and was shooting a music video for the Beastie Boys, all the while stealing donuts and playing with a Batarang.
I want a Batarang. Donuts, not so much.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Apr. 29
Eleven rounds of chemo down.
Had visit with the doc on Monday. She says I very well might end up with an additional four rounds, bringing my total to 16. Not happy.
Will redo CT and gallium scan. Foremost, gallium must show no cancer. Then, I can only hope that CT will show no decrease. No decrease means that lymph nodes are the size they are, and chemo is not affecting that anymore. That means chemo's done all it can do, and it's up to the body to reabsorb scar tissue. That means chemo ends on the 12th of May.
If lymph nodes decreased, then I need the extra four rounds, because chemo is still working, just too fucking slow.
Not happy.
If gallium shows cancer, then, well, then I'm fucked.
Stick this in your ear:
Crystal Castles - Crimewave
Does it Offend You, Yeah? - Being Bad Feels Pretty Good
Does it Offend You, Yeah? - We Are Rockstars
Also, Crank: High Voltage is great.
Had visit with the doc on Monday. She says I very well might end up with an additional four rounds, bringing my total to 16. Not happy.
Will redo CT and gallium scan. Foremost, gallium must show no cancer. Then, I can only hope that CT will show no decrease. No decrease means that lymph nodes are the size they are, and chemo is not affecting that anymore. That means chemo's done all it can do, and it's up to the body to reabsorb scar tissue. That means chemo ends on the 12th of May.
If lymph nodes decreased, then I need the extra four rounds, because chemo is still working, just too fucking slow.
Not happy.
If gallium shows cancer, then, well, then I'm fucked.
Stick this in your ear:
Crystal Castles - Crimewave
Does it Offend You, Yeah? - Being Bad Feels Pretty Good
Does it Offend You, Yeah? - We Are Rockstars
Also, Crank: High Voltage is great.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Apr. 22
So, it's confirmed. My grandfather has stomach cancer. Also, somewhere along the chain of info, things got messed up -- my grandmother doesn't have Parkinson's, she has Alzheimer's. I had to crack up at the fact that someone along the way essentially "forgot" the Alzheimer's diagnosis. Then again, I laugh at some pretty grim things. I always used to say, "Armand puts the FUN back in FUNERAL."
I'm tired of all this. So, so, very tired. I just really don't want cancer in my life anymore... I understand it's just something that happens -- everyone has to die of something -- but I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I never got involved with I'm Too Young For This because it never felt right. I don't like being apart of a group just because I happen to fall within its parameters for membership. Although it's just more bitching about cancer, I choose to read the "cancer blogs" I follow because of something that has to do with the writers, not their illness.
I'm fatigued. My skin has had it with me. I think it will soon just abandon me and find a healthier host who will treat it nicer. I am not as petrified of chemo #11 as I was of #10, because the last one went quite easy, but I don't want to go see my doctor again. I don't want to sit around for hours on end, waiting for poison to filter into me. I don't want to answer questions about my body. I want to forget about my body, actually... Yeah, that'd be nice.
Ah well. Trapped in space and time, here I am.
Yesterday, despite craptacular news, Melissa and I actually had a pretty fun time. She had the day off work, so I took it off as well, so we could get a bunch of stuff done around the house. The bookcase I've been threatening to assemble for the past two weeks is still in pieces, but the living room is almost livable. There are no more empty boxes and bags and whatnot, sitting all over the place. We took a run out to to a couple of second-hand stores to drop off a bunch of things we needed to jettison. Went by a fabric store to look at potential drapery for the living room (oh yeah, pure white douppioni silk to go with red and espresso furniture? I think so). All the while, had yummy eats and planned out the rest of the apartment in excruciating detail.
*sigh* I'm sometimes puzzled by the things which bring me joy.
I'm tired of all this. So, so, very tired. I just really don't want cancer in my life anymore... I understand it's just something that happens -- everyone has to die of something -- but I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I never got involved with I'm Too Young For This because it never felt right. I don't like being apart of a group just because I happen to fall within its parameters for membership. Although it's just more bitching about cancer, I choose to read the "cancer blogs" I follow because of something that has to do with the writers, not their illness.
I'm fatigued. My skin has had it with me. I think it will soon just abandon me and find a healthier host who will treat it nicer. I am not as petrified of chemo #11 as I was of #10, because the last one went quite easy, but I don't want to go see my doctor again. I don't want to sit around for hours on end, waiting for poison to filter into me. I don't want to answer questions about my body. I want to forget about my body, actually... Yeah, that'd be nice.
Ah well. Trapped in space and time, here I am.
Yesterday, despite craptacular news, Melissa and I actually had a pretty fun time. She had the day off work, so I took it off as well, so we could get a bunch of stuff done around the house. The bookcase I've been threatening to assemble for the past two weeks is still in pieces, but the living room is almost livable. There are no more empty boxes and bags and whatnot, sitting all over the place. We took a run out to to a couple of second-hand stores to drop off a bunch of things we needed to jettison. Went by a fabric store to look at potential drapery for the living room (oh yeah, pure white douppioni silk to go with red and espresso furniture? I think so). All the while, had yummy eats and planned out the rest of the apartment in excruciating detail.
*sigh* I'm sometimes puzzled by the things which bring me joy.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Apr. 20
I had a strange revelation today...
If I were any other species, I would be dead by now. I mean, there's no chemotherapy for slugs. If a slug got cancer, it'd be one dead slug. Hell, even as a human being, I'm alive only because I happen to be in a part of the world, and in the right conditions, that I can receive treatment. Usually, when it comes to health and illness, you either get better, or you don't. I "should not" have gotten better. I would not, had it not been for outside intervention. I guess the same applies for inoculation from childhood illnesses and the like, but I can't help but feel as though in a way I've cheated death.. Like I was supposed to be part of the "early death rate" -- some statistic of sorts... I feel like I'm in a shitty film, expecting death to hunt me down now.
Or maybe I'm just crazy. Either's possible.
I'm also kind of frustrated with the all too slow progress I'm seeing from going to the gym. Then again, my diet is pretty lousy. Oh well. I'll be all healthy when I can safely say I've made cancer my bitch.
Good night, sleep tight. Hiss hiss, I'm in your muffler.
If I were any other species, I would be dead by now. I mean, there's no chemotherapy for slugs. If a slug got cancer, it'd be one dead slug. Hell, even as a human being, I'm alive only because I happen to be in a part of the world, and in the right conditions, that I can receive treatment. Usually, when it comes to health and illness, you either get better, or you don't. I "should not" have gotten better. I would not, had it not been for outside intervention. I guess the same applies for inoculation from childhood illnesses and the like, but I can't help but feel as though in a way I've cheated death.. Like I was supposed to be part of the "early death rate" -- some statistic of sorts... I feel like I'm in a shitty film, expecting death to hunt me down now.
Or maybe I'm just crazy. Either's possible.
I'm also kind of frustrated with the all too slow progress I'm seeing from going to the gym. Then again, my diet is pretty lousy. Oh well. I'll be all healthy when I can safely say I've made cancer my bitch.
Good night, sleep tight. Hiss hiss, I'm in your muffler.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Apr. 19
So sleepy...
Here's life, in point form.
- Fatigue is starting to affect day-to-day functioning. Early nights are common. Gym visits are shorter.
- Chemo #10 was actually pretty easy on me. No hurling. No major misery the days after.
- I'm turning into a fucking recluse.
- The new place is coming along slowly. There's a ton of work to do still, but we're grossly limited by time... and energy...
- Apologies to those I've ignored -- in "real life", or just here in the old blogosphere
- I want to learn to program for the iPhone
- I'm so sick of "the cancer".
I'm sick of "the cancer", and here are three reasons, in chronological order.
- I hate the treatment.
- I no longer identify with the illness, or with being ill.
- I found out that my paternal grandfather is suspected of having stomach cancer.
Found that last bit out on the same day (today), as the day I learned that my maternal grandmother has been recently diagnosed with Parkinson's.
You know what, life? Fuck you. Fuck you hard.
-- a million years ago, there was a skit on Conan O'Brien, where they replaced the words "excuse me" with yelling "AH-BAH!".
I want to shove into people, yelling "AH-BAH!"
Here's life, in point form.
- Fatigue is starting to affect day-to-day functioning. Early nights are common. Gym visits are shorter.
- Chemo #10 was actually pretty easy on me. No hurling. No major misery the days after.
- I'm turning into a fucking recluse.
- The new place is coming along slowly. There's a ton of work to do still, but we're grossly limited by time... and energy...
- Apologies to those I've ignored -- in "real life", or just here in the old blogosphere
- I want to learn to program for the iPhone
- I'm so sick of "the cancer".
I'm sick of "the cancer", and here are three reasons, in chronological order.
- I hate the treatment.
- I no longer identify with the illness, or with being ill.
- I found out that my paternal grandfather is suspected of having stomach cancer.
Found that last bit out on the same day (today), as the day I learned that my maternal grandmother has been recently diagnosed with Parkinson's.
You know what, life? Fuck you. Fuck you hard.
-- a million years ago, there was a skit on Conan O'Brien, where they replaced the words "excuse me" with yelling "AH-BAH!".
I want to shove into people, yelling "AH-BAH!"
Monday, April 13, 2009
Apr. 13
Taking a quick break at work, and thus blogging. I think we've got an internet connection now, but haven't had the chance to test that.
I'm so sick of the cancer stuff... Thoughts of treatment send me into full panic, and the stress of it is getting to me. My stomach hurts again a fair bit. That may also be attributed to the lactose bit. Seems lactaid isn't doing the trick anymore, and I end up with the worst stomach pain, regardless.
I only have to think of chemo #9 tomorrow, and I start freaking out... I'll be doping up on ativan and benadryl, and I'll hopefully just sleep through everything. Three more... Three more... Just three more. As of yesterday, I'll be done in a month.
I was talking to a friend, and he made a passing comment -- "...you have cancer"... Hearing it in present tense seemed wrong. I haven't been told that I'm in remission, but I just can't conceive the thought of me still being sick.
I've decided that, for better or worse, if I require additional chemotherapy, I will elect to take a break for one month. If they don't like it, I just won't go. I have no idea how I'm going to get through three more treatments, as is. I need a break. My body needs a break. My mind needs a break. One more month.
Once again, I am so very thankful for all the help and support I've been receiving from everybody -- thank you. I could not do this without all your support.
I'm so sick of the cancer stuff... Thoughts of treatment send me into full panic, and the stress of it is getting to me. My stomach hurts again a fair bit. That may also be attributed to the lactose bit. Seems lactaid isn't doing the trick anymore, and I end up with the worst stomach pain, regardless.
I only have to think of chemo #9 tomorrow, and I start freaking out... I'll be doping up on ativan and benadryl, and I'll hopefully just sleep through everything. Three more... Three more... Just three more. As of yesterday, I'll be done in a month.
I was talking to a friend, and he made a passing comment -- "...you have cancer"... Hearing it in present tense seemed wrong. I haven't been told that I'm in remission, but I just can't conceive the thought of me still being sick.
I've decided that, for better or worse, if I require additional chemotherapy, I will elect to take a break for one month. If they don't like it, I just won't go. I have no idea how I'm going to get through three more treatments, as is. I need a break. My body needs a break. My mind needs a break. One more month.
Once again, I am so very thankful for all the help and support I've been receiving from everybody -- thank you. I could not do this without all your support.
Monday, April 6, 2009
Apr. 06
Why hello again.
So it's 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. So I'm doing work, and I figure I'll duck out from actual work work early tomorrow, instead. Maybe catch up on sleep.
We painted the living room (behind me) white. No longer babyshit yellow. We've assembled furniture (some of which is behind me. Go go gadget crappy IKEA bookshelf). There is much work to do.
Blogging will likely continue to be scarce, as I spend most of my time at the new place, and we don't have the internet hooked up yet. I'm currently just being a good neighbour, and stealing someone else's connection. However, it craps out every few seconds, and even when it works, it's slow as all hell.
A note regarding my last entry. I forgot to mention Wendy. Wendy helped with the move. I'm an ass-troll for forgetting that. Wendy, you get to punch me in the arm.
Okay. Back to work. Only three hours until the first alarm goes off.
Oh, last note... Out the very large window to my right (heehee!), I can see something dreadful. It's snowing! Snowing! No moooore!!! I think a good chunk of why I want chemotherapy to be over is because by then, at least the weather will be nice again!
So it's 3 in the morning, and I can't sleep. So I'm doing work, and I figure I'll duck out from actual work work early tomorrow, instead. Maybe catch up on sleep.
We painted the living room (behind me) white. No longer babyshit yellow. We've assembled furniture (some of which is behind me. Go go gadget crappy IKEA bookshelf). There is much work to do.
Blogging will likely continue to be scarce, as I spend most of my time at the new place, and we don't have the internet hooked up yet. I'm currently just being a good neighbour, and stealing someone else's connection. However, it craps out every few seconds, and even when it works, it's slow as all hell.
A note regarding my last entry. I forgot to mention Wendy. Wendy helped with the move. I'm an ass-troll for forgetting that. Wendy, you get to punch me in the arm.
Okay. Back to work. Only three hours until the first alarm goes off.
Oh, last note... Out the very large window to my right (heehee!), I can see something dreadful. It's snowing! Snowing! No moooore!!! I think a good chunk of why I want chemotherapy to be over is because by then, at least the weather will be nice again!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Apr. 02
Hah. Not dead yet.
First off, I'd like to thank everyone for the encouragement I've received in regards to the medical news. I find it hard to be as optimistic as most others, as I was quite honestly hoping for a clear remission. But I guess we'll see, in a month and a half.
Moved on the 30th. Much work to do. Thanks to my father and sister, as well as (alphabetically) Corrine, Deltcho, Michael, and the Steves. If I forgot anyone, please blame it on...
Chemo #9. Slept some 30 hours, almost straight through, after that. Very bad. Very very bad.
First off, I'd like to thank everyone for the encouragement I've received in regards to the medical news. I find it hard to be as optimistic as most others, as I was quite honestly hoping for a clear remission. But I guess we'll see, in a month and a half.
Moved on the 30th. Much work to do. Thanks to my father and sister, as well as (alphabetically) Corrine, Deltcho, Michael, and the Steves. If I forgot anyone, please blame it on...
Chemo #9. Slept some 30 hours, almost straight through, after that. Very bad. Very very bad.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Mar. 27
What a fucker.
Lymph nodes are down from 3.5cm to 1.4cm. Still bigger than 1.0cm, so that means things are still not clear. But it could be scar tissue.
Awesome.
Lymph nodes are down from 3.5cm to 1.4cm. Still bigger than 1.0cm, so that means things are still not clear. But it could be scar tissue.
Awesome.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Mar. 26
Just a feeew more hours until I see my doc.
I can honestly say that I did not put off hearing the results from my CT scan out of fear. I'm planning to be done on May 12th. Best case scenario, that just gets confirmed by the doctor. Worst case scenario, that doesn't happen. Why have her rain on my parade a few days early? The verdict's not gonna change.
So unlike me...
Speaking of which. As a follow-up to the Enneagrams. I'm type 5, 8, and 4. Funny. Before I got sick, I was 1 and 4. As per last night's Death and Dying lecture, 1s often have trouble dealing with others' grief, and often will come across as insensitive. I think this cancer thing has been a very humbling experience, and has taught me to better relate to people. In other words, it kicked the 1 out of me.
I can honestly say that I did not put off hearing the results from my CT scan out of fear. I'm planning to be done on May 12th. Best case scenario, that just gets confirmed by the doctor. Worst case scenario, that doesn't happen. Why have her rain on my parade a few days early? The verdict's not gonna change.
So unlike me...
Speaking of which. As a follow-up to the Enneagrams. I'm type 5, 8, and 4. Funny. Before I got sick, I was 1 and 4. As per last night's Death and Dying lecture, 1s often have trouble dealing with others' grief, and often will come across as insensitive. I think this cancer thing has been a very humbling experience, and has taught me to better relate to people. In other words, it kicked the 1 out of me.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Mar. 25
Craziness!
At the gym, I learned that a) I've gained 10 lbs, and b) lost about 3 lbs of fat. That means in the past month, I've gained roughly 13 lbs of muscle. Oh rar. On my way to becoming Batman.
In Death and Dying we discussed Enneagrams. Actually, if you all wouldn't mind going to the site, taking the test, and letting me know what type you are, it would make things easier for me. That being said, Enneagrams are just about the only personality typology that I believe holds any water.
Learned many great truths about myself. Also getting a bit of an idea why I constantly say things like "Learned many great truths about myself", instead of approaching things like that, or, oh, you know, cancer, in a more genuine manner.
To wrap things up, I had dinner with a friend after class, which created many more thought bubbles... More processing to be done.
I like it when my brain works...
At the gym, I learned that a) I've gained 10 lbs, and b) lost about 3 lbs of fat. That means in the past month, I've gained roughly 13 lbs of muscle. Oh rar. On my way to becoming Batman.
In Death and Dying we discussed Enneagrams. Actually, if you all wouldn't mind going to the site, taking the test, and letting me know what type you are, it would make things easier for me. That being said, Enneagrams are just about the only personality typology that I believe holds any water.
Learned many great truths about myself. Also getting a bit of an idea why I constantly say things like "Learned many great truths about myself", instead of approaching things like that, or, oh, you know, cancer, in a more genuine manner.
To wrap things up, I had dinner with a friend after class, which created many more thought bubbles... More processing to be done.
I like it when my brain works...
Mar. 24
Today, my honey and I celebrated our two year anniversary. Well, in theory, we did. The actual celebrating won't come until we're in our new place.
Less than a week. Much excitement...
On the cancer front, three things to mention.
1. Last night I actually dreamt I was talking to my doctor, and she said my CT scan showed that I was in remission. I woke up very happy... Felt kinda crushed when I realized it was only a dream.
2. The lactose intolerance is pretty fucking nasty. I forgot about it, and had some hors d'oeuvres with cheese. I am now in pain.
3. I am getting pretty fatigued. I slept twelve hours last night, and was already ready to go to bed around 10 or so (which is unheard of, for me). I don't know what's causing it, given that my counts are (or were) back to normal. Then again, I have been going to the gym for two or three hours a day, every day since Friday. I may just be tired.
Less than a week. Much excitement...
On the cancer front, three things to mention.
1. Last night I actually dreamt I was talking to my doctor, and she said my CT scan showed that I was in remission. I woke up very happy... Felt kinda crushed when I realized it was only a dream.
2. The lactose intolerance is pretty fucking nasty. I forgot about it, and had some hors d'oeuvres with cheese. I am now in pain.
3. I am getting pretty fatigued. I slept twelve hours last night, and was already ready to go to bed around 10 or so (which is unheard of, for me). I don't know what's causing it, given that my counts are (or were) back to normal. Then again, I have been going to the gym for two or three hours a day, every day since Friday. I may just be tired.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Mar. 23
Some days, you just gotta crawl into a hole and hide. I kinda did that for the last two days, hence the lack of updates.
Did my best to keep a low profile, hoping I'll stop being a grumpy fucking panda. Oh, such a grumpy fucking panda.
Actually, no, I hate pandas. Punch them right in their lazy faces. That's right.
Did my best to keep a low profile, hoping I'll stop being a grumpy fucking panda. Oh, such a grumpy fucking panda.
Actually, no, I hate pandas. Punch them right in their lazy faces. That's right.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Mar. 20
Today pretty much made up for yesterday's lack of activity. Had a pretty full day at work, followed by dinner with Deltcho, then gym with Rob.
I don't feel like writing. I'm going to bed. Good night!
I don't feel like writing. I'm going to bed. Good night!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Mar. 19
Ooooh, feeling like absolute garbage today. Had a couple of energetic spots here and there, but overall, I mostly felt woozy and miserable. Didn't get much (any) work done today. Didn't go to the gym. I... Uh... Cleaned some?
I hope tomorrow is better.
I miss the artsy stuff, again. I really want to paint, and I've been looking at MUNNY figurines. It's been ages since I've painted, though, so before I spend money on these things, I'll first just use some of the old sculpey things I've whipped up some time ago, as practice.
I lead a very exciting life.
I hope tomorrow is better.
I miss the artsy stuff, again. I really want to paint, and I've been looking at MUNNY figurines. It's been ages since I've painted, though, so before I spend money on these things, I'll first just use some of the old sculpey things I've whipped up some time ago, as practice.
I lead a very exciting life.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Mar. 18
Another one bites the dust.
Today, I be feelin' like shite. Very woozy and just plain miserable. Stemetil is my friend. There's about a 45 minute period shortly after I take one, when the nausea goes away, and the fogginess doesn't quite yet set in.
Tomorrow is last day of nausea, though, I hope. It's at least the last day of Kytril. Then I should be fine.
I slept 14 hours last night. I'm sort of hoping to repeat that feat.
Today, I be feelin' like shite. Very woozy and just plain miserable. Stemetil is my friend. There's about a 45 minute period shortly after I take one, when the nausea goes away, and the fogginess doesn't quite yet set in.
Tomorrow is last day of nausea, though, I hope. It's at least the last day of Kytril. Then I should be fine.
I slept 14 hours last night. I'm sort of hoping to repeat that feat.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Mar. 17
Eight down, four to go.
Worst round of chemo, so far. Sort of kept it together until they flushed my port at the end, and that set me off so as to fill three of those kidney-shaped buckets with nothin' but vomit.
And that's all I can say about that, without getting nauseous again.
Melissa came with me again, and stayed with me afterwards (even after the explosive vomiting. I'm pretty sure this qualifies her for sainthood or something, right about now). We watched some more Planet Earth, and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It would have been a perfect evening, if it wasn't for the whole "me being sick and miserable". Oh well. Less than two weeks until the move!
I should add that I've been receiving so much support from so many kind and generous people. I can't thank you enough.
Along those lines... I'm often stuck in a weird position. I want to thank and acknowledge people's compassion and kindness, but I also don't want to violate their privacy by going into detail here. For what it's worth, your deeds do not go overlooked. I thank you dearly.
Point form:
- Blood counts were back up in the normal range! First time in six weeks!
- I picked up a Men's Health "Eat Right Guide" the other night. I said it before, and I'll say it again: after this cancer crap is over, I will be Batman!
- Stemetil is my friend
Worst round of chemo, so far. Sort of kept it together until they flushed my port at the end, and that set me off so as to fill three of those kidney-shaped buckets with nothin' but vomit.
And that's all I can say about that, without getting nauseous again.
Melissa came with me again, and stayed with me afterwards (even after the explosive vomiting. I'm pretty sure this qualifies her for sainthood or something, right about now). We watched some more Planet Earth, and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It would have been a perfect evening, if it wasn't for the whole "me being sick and miserable". Oh well. Less than two weeks until the move!
I should add that I've been receiving so much support from so many kind and generous people. I can't thank you enough.
Along those lines... I'm often stuck in a weird position. I want to thank and acknowledge people's compassion and kindness, but I also don't want to violate their privacy by going into detail here. For what it's worth, your deeds do not go overlooked. I thank you dearly.
Point form:
- Blood counts were back up in the normal range! First time in six weeks!
- I picked up a Men's Health "Eat Right Guide" the other night. I said it before, and I'll say it again: after this cancer crap is over, I will be Batman!
- Stemetil is my friend
Monday, March 16, 2009
Mar. 16
Didn't die from the CT contrast.
Miserable day for the most part, otherwise. Felt drowsy and sick and all that fun stuff. And for the last while I've been smelling heparin. Don't know why. Don't want to know why.
I've got chemo tomorrow, and in a perverse way, I look forward to it. I just want to no longer have an excuse for not sitting my ass in bed and not moving for a while. Note to self: learn to slow down.
I'm going home.
Miserable day for the most part, otherwise. Felt drowsy and sick and all that fun stuff. And for the last while I've been smelling heparin. Don't know why. Don't want to know why.
I've got chemo tomorrow, and in a perverse way, I look forward to it. I just want to no longer have an excuse for not sitting my ass in bed and not moving for a while. Note to self: learn to slow down.
I'm going home.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Mar. 15
Can't brain good no more. That's why I'm foraging for other sources of brain.
CT scan in the morning. Then meeting. Then Well-Fit. Then gym. Then more work.
When do I get my vacation? When do I get my solid gold house and rocket car?
I'd settle for remission, you know?
CT scan in the morning. Then meeting. Then Well-Fit. Then gym. Then more work.
When do I get my vacation? When do I get my solid gold house and rocket car?
I'd settle for remission, you know?
Mar. 14
Point form:
- Went to Toronto
- Saw Bloc Party live. Very good. Opening act, Holy Fuck, was also very, very good.
- Have more work to do than I have energy.
- Went to gym. Cycling class = fun + evi. Fevil?
- Fatigue is setting in. No longer feeling muscle fatigue at the gym, but rather beginning to feel overall tired and occasionally light-headed.
- CT scan on Monday. Blech.
- Went to Toronto
- Saw Bloc Party live. Very good. Opening act, Holy Fuck, was also very, very good.
- Have more work to do than I have energy.
- Went to gym. Cycling class = fun + evi. Fevil?
- Fatigue is setting in. No longer feeling muscle fatigue at the gym, but rather beginning to feel overall tired and occasionally light-headed.
- CT scan on Monday. Blech.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Mar. 13
Goodbye, mohawk.
Some of the until-recently-absent effects of chemotherapy started catching up with me all of a sudden. Primary, the hair loss. It's not drastic, but it's thinning above and beyond the natural "hey man, you're going bald, ha-haw!" rhythm. I guess it's to be expected. As of yet, I've still got fuzz on me scalp. I wonder what it'll be like in two months' time.
And by gee-dash-dee, I will be done in two months!
Some of the until-recently-absent effects of chemotherapy started catching up with me all of a sudden. Primary, the hair loss. It's not drastic, but it's thinning above and beyond the natural "hey man, you're going bald, ha-haw!" rhythm. I guess it's to be expected. As of yet, I've still got fuzz on me scalp. I wonder what it'll be like in two months' time.
And by gee-dash-dee, I will be done in two months!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Mar. 12
I've made up a story that sort of makes sense, regarding ye olde lump in my neck.
It's pretty unlikely that chemotherapy will affect the same kind of cancer in different ways, at the same time, especially within the same system. Also, it's pretty unlikely that I've developed a secondary cancer while undergoing treatment for the one. However, it's likely that I have a buildup of scar tissue that got pushed to the surface by the increase of muscle, since I've been going to the gym.
That story keeps me from freaking out. It's the story I'll keep telling myself until I hear otherwise.
As of today, I have exactly two months until my last round of chemotherapy. These last two weeks, once again, flew right by. I really hope this holds out...
It's pretty unlikely that chemotherapy will affect the same kind of cancer in different ways, at the same time, especially within the same system. Also, it's pretty unlikely that I've developed a secondary cancer while undergoing treatment for the one. However, it's likely that I have a buildup of scar tissue that got pushed to the surface by the increase of muscle, since I've been going to the gym.
That story keeps me from freaking out. It's the story I'll keep telling myself until I hear otherwise.
As of today, I have exactly two months until my last round of chemotherapy. These last two weeks, once again, flew right by. I really hope this holds out...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Mar. 11
Had another migraine today. Also made the stupid mistake of drinking a glass of milk with breakfast. I'll just say that the first half of my day was pretty lousy.
In Death and Dying, we watched a Hospice care documentary. I really don't know what to really say, following that.
Kinda wish I had a director's commentary to go along with my posts. Somehow say the stuff I can't spit out.
In Death and Dying, we watched a Hospice care documentary. I really don't know what to really say, following that.
Kinda wish I had a director's commentary to go along with my posts. Somehow say the stuff I can't spit out.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Mar. 10
I'm going to ignore the big cancerous elephant in the room, and try to get on with my life.
...
Yeah, this isn't workin' so good.
...
Yeah, this isn't workin' so good.
Mar. 09
No SSRIs for me. That's enough about that. Now onto more upsetting stuff.
I'm trying not to freak out. After all, my scans are now in less than a week. But today I found a lump on the side of my neck. It's right in the spot where I had a huge lymph node. Please please please let it be something other than a lymph node. Something benign, though.... If it is a lymph node, let it be scarred or swollen from the cold I've had. Just no more cancer. I need these fucking scans to come out clean. I really need this to end. Not only for me, but I also don't want to drag everyone through any more of this.
I was in a way preparing myself for bad news. I was trying to remember the day when I got diagnosed. November 17. Never going to live that day down, now, am I?
I honestly can't remember how that day played out, anymore. I remember being in the doctor's office, and I remember him telling me I have "Hodgkin's Disease." I remember my reaction: sarcastically belting out a monotone "Yaaaay." I was kinda relieved to know it was a curable cancer, at least. I remember him leaving the room, me wanting to cry, but not being able to. But after that, it gets choppy. I remember calling my mother, when I got to the car. I remember picking Melissa up from work that evening, and blurting it out as soon as she got in the car. I remember being really fucking calm, and looking up blog names that evening. cancerboy was taken. I remember finding a blog, last updated in 2005. The last entry said something along the lines of "...wish me luck!"
I didn't process things, because they were so alien. I don't know how I'd process things, now that I'm in the midst of it.
I also remember what I think was my fourth round of chemotherapy. Melissa and i were sitting in the chemo suite, and I looked around, and said "All these people have probably already heard the worst news of their lives."
I'm trying not to freak out. After all, my scans are now in less than a week. But today I found a lump on the side of my neck. It's right in the spot where I had a huge lymph node. Please please please let it be something other than a lymph node. Something benign, though.... If it is a lymph node, let it be scarred or swollen from the cold I've had. Just no more cancer. I need these fucking scans to come out clean. I really need this to end. Not only for me, but I also don't want to drag everyone through any more of this.
I was in a way preparing myself for bad news. I was trying to remember the day when I got diagnosed. November 17. Never going to live that day down, now, am I?
I honestly can't remember how that day played out, anymore. I remember being in the doctor's office, and I remember him telling me I have "Hodgkin's Disease." I remember my reaction: sarcastically belting out a monotone "Yaaaay." I was kinda relieved to know it was a curable cancer, at least. I remember him leaving the room, me wanting to cry, but not being able to. But after that, it gets choppy. I remember calling my mother, when I got to the car. I remember picking Melissa up from work that evening, and blurting it out as soon as she got in the car. I remember being really fucking calm, and looking up blog names that evening. cancerboy was taken. I remember finding a blog, last updated in 2005. The last entry said something along the lines of "...wish me luck!"
I didn't process things, because they were so alien. I don't know how I'd process things, now that I'm in the midst of it.
I also remember what I think was my fourth round of chemotherapy. Melissa and i were sitting in the chemo suite, and I looked around, and said "All these people have probably already heard the worst news of their lives."
Addendum: As a lovely side-effect to the chemo, I've now become lactose-intolerant. Basically, I have dairy, and within an hour I'm doubling over. You know what? Fuck cancer. Fuck it all night long.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Mar. 08
Weekend gone, all too soon.
Tomorrow's a busy day. I'm hoping to magically figure out the SSRI conundrum. On one hand, I'm loopy. On the other, I've got less than ten weeks of chemotherapy left. I want to just wait it out, because I don't want to a) risk the side-effects, and b) have to go through the whole process of weaning myself off them. But again... I'm loopy.
Today's song recommendation is the song Ulysses, by Franz Ferdinand. I'm seeing good ol Franz Ferdinand on May 4th. Jeaaaalouuus?
Tomorrow's a busy day. I'm hoping to magically figure out the SSRI conundrum. On one hand, I'm loopy. On the other, I've got less than ten weeks of chemotherapy left. I want to just wait it out, because I don't want to a) risk the side-effects, and b) have to go through the whole process of weaning myself off them. But again... I'm loopy.
Today's song recommendation is the song Ulysses, by Franz Ferdinand. I'm seeing good ol Franz Ferdinand on May 4th. Jeaaaalouuus?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Mar. 07
Today, we went to the Royal Ontario Museum. Also went by Krispy Kremes again. Oh, we did awful, awful things.
Had a pretty fuck-tacular migraine at some point, and had that weird eye stitch again, where it looks like somebody tore my visual field all up, and then stitched it back together rather poorly. Ah, body, you so funny.
I've got a long whiny entry in me, but I'm le tired. Off to the gym in the morning, to work off the guilt.
Had a pretty fuck-tacular migraine at some point, and had that weird eye stitch again, where it looks like somebody tore my visual field all up, and then stitched it back together rather poorly. Ah, body, you so funny.
I've got a long whiny entry in me, but I'm le tired. Off to the gym in the morning, to work off the guilt.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Mar. 06
I could rant about the borderline criminal callousness of people. I could rant about how when you're down, people seem to relish using your situation as an outlet.
But instead I'll say that I saw Watchmen tonight, and it was fucking awesome. Seriously. Go see it. Now.
But instead I'll say that I saw Watchmen tonight, and it was fucking awesome. Seriously. Go see it. Now.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Mar. 05
Didn't take the Kytril today. Figured I'd rather risk nausea, than another day of drowsiness. That was about 90% good idea. A couple of times where I felt my throat seize up as though in anticipation, but at least I had a clear(er?) head.
Got some work done, but not enough. I need to somehow make up for the days I lose to chemo, but I just have no fucking clue how. It's frustrating, trying to continue saying "I'm a real boy!" all Pinocchio-like, and trying to contend with everything else, but I think it would be even more frustrating, to fully withdraw.
I had dinner with Melissa, and then we saw a student production of The Vagina Monologues at the University. Need some more time to process that. In the meantime, feel free to call me patriarchal for not fully appreciating it.
It's nice and warm outside. Fuck, I missed not freezing.
Got some work done, but not enough. I need to somehow make up for the days I lose to chemo, but I just have no fucking clue how. It's frustrating, trying to continue saying "I'm a real boy!" all Pinocchio-like, and trying to contend with everything else, but I think it would be even more frustrating, to fully withdraw.
I had dinner with Melissa, and then we saw a student production of The Vagina Monologues at the University. Need some more time to process that. In the meantime, feel free to call me patriarchal for not fully appreciating it.
It's nice and warm outside. Fuck, I missed not freezing.
Addendum: I just discovered the best typo ever. In an email with a student, I meant to say "...cancel with you." Instead, I said "...cancer with you". Hmm. Wonder what's on my mind.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Mar. 04
Woo, all caught up.
Tomorrow, I will take my chances with the nausea and not take my third round of Kytril. I woke up and felt fine. A few hours later, I realised I forgot to take the Kytril. I took it, and promptly felt like crap.
This round of chemo went alright. I slept right through. Talking about it makes me want to throw up.
I need sleep. I want to go to the gym. That makes me happy...
I really feel the urge to cook. I hope my tastebuds return to normal soon...
Tomorrow, I will take my chances with the nausea and not take my third round of Kytril. I woke up and felt fine. A few hours later, I realised I forgot to take the Kytril. I took it, and promptly felt like crap.
This round of chemo went alright. I slept right through. Talking about it makes me want to throw up.
I need sleep. I want to go to the gym. That makes me happy...
I really feel the urge to cook. I hope my tastebuds return to normal soon...
Mar. 03
Internet is back. Due to some OCD-like compulsion, I'm blogging retroactively. It's as though a missed day of blogging constitutes some minor betrayal, and must be punished severely.
March 02 was my mother's birthday. Happy birthday, mom!
March 03 was chemotherapy. Fuck you, chemo!
March 04 is my sister's birthday. Happy birthday, Diana!
Life goes on.
March 02 was my mother's birthday. Happy birthday, mom!
March 03 was chemotherapy. Fuck you, chemo!
March 04 is my sister's birthday. Happy birthday, Diana!
Life goes on.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Mar. 02
My wireless connection is fucked. I'll update retroactively tomorrow, provided I get somewhere with net access.
FML, etc.
FML, etc.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Mar. 01
I will once again whine about how these last two weeks flew right by, and I am nowhere near ready to go for another round of chemotherapy. I'm terrified of the very strong likelihood of nausea and/or vomiting. I just find it ironic that it's not the chemotherapy that'll be making me ill, but rather the heparin.
I go for bloodwork in the morning, and I'll ask them to draw from my arm. That allows me to a) stave off the heparin for another day, b) not have an uncomfortable chunk of plastic sticking out of my chest for over 24 hours and c) not deal with further welts and the such, as a result of my usual reaction to each and every fucking type of bandage.
Yes, I am complaining, but I'm not letting the following bring me down too much. I'm merely documenting...
The skin on my hands is fucking shot. It's dry and painful and cracking. I'm slathering on various hand creams and mositurizers, but it's not really helping for long. Ah well. Halfway through chemo and still no really ugly side-effects.
I go for bloodwork in the morning, and I'll ask them to draw from my arm. That allows me to a) stave off the heparin for another day, b) not have an uncomfortable chunk of plastic sticking out of my chest for over 24 hours and c) not deal with further welts and the such, as a result of my usual reaction to each and every fucking type of bandage.
Yes, I am complaining, but I'm not letting the following bring me down too much. I'm merely documenting...
The skin on my hands is fucking shot. It's dry and painful and cracking. I'm slathering on various hand creams and mositurizers, but it's not really helping for long. Ah well. Halfway through chemo and still no really ugly side-effects.
Feb. 28
I was looking at some pics Melissa and I took, I'd say, around august 2007. It was in my pre-halloween phase, where I had long hair and a huge beard. I can't claim it was a good look for me, but much like this mohawk, I carried on for some greater good. Can't claim to miss the whole ensemble, but in a weird way, I miss having a big ol dark beard. Now it's thinned out considerably, and the blond hair in my mustache is giving me a barely pubescent look which I can't claim to welcome. I think it would be more of a symbolic threat to shave it all off, though. Oh, body image. You rock my world.
These two weeks have flown right by. This whole month did. I really hope this keeps on going.
These two weeks have flown right by. This whole month did. I really hope this keeps on going.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Feb. 27
I'm really just getting worse and worse at this "remembering to blog" shtick.
A few days until chemo #7.
One week until I see the psychiatrist and figure out SSRI stuff.
Two weeks until my CT scan, and chemo #8.
Four and a half weeks until Melissa moves.
Ten and a half weeks until chemo #12.
It's starting to feel like a reality...
One slight worry: I've already had a negative reaction to the CT contrast dye. In fact, they chose not to use contrast for that very reason, when they did my chest xray/line manipulation. They are, however, planning to use it for my CT scan in two weeks. Wouldn't it be a kicker, if I'm so close to beating cancer, and then I died from a nasty reaction to the dye? Yeah, that'd be a laugh.
A few days until chemo #7.
One week until I see the psychiatrist and figure out SSRI stuff.
Two weeks until my CT scan, and chemo #8.
Four and a half weeks until Melissa moves.
Ten and a half weeks until chemo #12.
It's starting to feel like a reality...
One slight worry: I've already had a negative reaction to the CT contrast dye. In fact, they chose not to use contrast for that very reason, when they did my chest xray/line manipulation. They are, however, planning to use it for my CT scan in two weeks. Wouldn't it be a kicker, if I'm so close to beating cancer, and then I died from a nasty reaction to the dye? Yeah, that'd be a laugh.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Feb. 26
Point form:
- Belated note, but I absolutely adore the Death and Dying class
- Talked about talk therapy, and the benefits of journalling
- Felt like smugly patting myself on the back
- I have no idea where my time goes!
- I would love to spend a week just reading and playing videogames.
- Tomorrow is friday, which means it's almost the weekend, which means it's close to tuesday, which means it's almost round 7
- I so don't want to go for chemotherapy anymore
- January barely dragged by. I can't believe it's already the end of February. Now just let it be May.
- Belated note, but I absolutely adore the Death and Dying class
- Talked about talk therapy, and the benefits of journalling
- Felt like smugly patting myself on the back
- I have no idea where my time goes!
- I would love to spend a week just reading and playing videogames.
- Tomorrow is friday, which means it's almost the weekend, which means it's close to tuesday, which means it's almost round 7
- I so don't want to go for chemotherapy anymore
- January barely dragged by. I can't believe it's already the end of February. Now just let it be May.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Feb. 25
I'm all kinds of surly, today.
I wanted to blog last night, but... Okay, that's a lie. I did remember to blog, but I was already halfway into bed, and didn't actually want to, anymore.
Heard some interesting stats. According to a new study by the Canadian Cancer Something-or-Other (Society? Council? One of those), cancer prevention is much more effective than cancer treatment. 1/3 of cancers could be prevented if people would just stop smoking. [Not an issue]. 1/3 of cancers could be prevented if people maintained better diets, and exercised [Not a real pre-diagnosis issue]. That would mean that 1/3 of cancers occur just 'cause.
You know, I'm largely over the anger and/or cancer-related grief by now, but I still wish I had done something tangible, to get sick.
Yeah, I'm in a great mood.
I wanted to blog last night, but... Okay, that's a lie. I did remember to blog, but I was already halfway into bed, and didn't actually want to, anymore.
Heard some interesting stats. According to a new study by the Canadian Cancer Something-or-Other (Society? Council? One of those), cancer prevention is much more effective than cancer treatment. 1/3 of cancers could be prevented if people would just stop smoking. [Not an issue]. 1/3 of cancers could be prevented if people maintained better diets, and exercised [Not a real pre-diagnosis issue]. That would mean that 1/3 of cancers occur just 'cause.
You know, I'm largely over the anger and/or cancer-related grief by now, but I still wish I had done something tangible, to get sick.
Yeah, I'm in a great mood.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Feb. 24
For some reason, I keep thinking today is Friday.
It's days like today that make blogging feel useless. I'm okay. No cancer symptoms, and no chemo symptoms. Life is "normal".
Tomorrow I'm going to Well-Fit, and hopefully to the real gym, as well. Energy is nice. Imagine that.
Also, I'm really ready to shake off this cold, you know?
It's days like today that make blogging feel useless. I'm okay. No cancer symptoms, and no chemo symptoms. Life is "normal".
Tomorrow I'm going to Well-Fit, and hopefully to the real gym, as well. Energy is nice. Imagine that.
Also, I'm really ready to shake off this cold, you know?
Feb. 23
Sometimes, it's tough to find things for which to be thankful. However, I guess all in all, I have a wonderful support network, and that's something I very much appreciate. You all collectively get a cookie. No, wait, no, it goes beyond that -- you each get your own cookie.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Feb. 22
Today, Flickr greeted me with "Ahoy Cancer Boy!"
Arrr... Yarrrriss.....
*ahem*
I'm definitely in the manic upswing of things. Got a lot of stuff accomplished today. Most notably, I finished a bunch of fixes for a work project that had been dragging behind for ... oh, very long. I'll be very glad to see that finished tomorrow.
More point-form!
-Kicked Rob's ass played some Street Fighter IV with Rob. I got them mad button-mashing skillz.
- Went to the gym. Oh, my dear derriere, how you will hate me tomorrow.
- The song "Auto Rock" by Mogwai comes highly recommended.
- The people on main campus have not paid me for two weeks. Heads will fucking roll. Aka, I'll send a meek email in the morning. Rar, I'm manly.
- If I don't sort and put away my laundry soon, gargoyles and snakes will attack me. That is, if my dear mother is to be believed. I fear she is right.
- Oh yeah, as of a few days ago, Melissa and I the proud owners of our first bits of furniture. Helloooo, sexy love seat and chairs.
Arrr... Yarrrriss.....
*ahem*
I'm definitely in the manic upswing of things. Got a lot of stuff accomplished today. Most notably, I finished a bunch of fixes for a work project that had been dragging behind for ... oh, very long. I'll be very glad to see that finished tomorrow.
More point-form!
-
- Went to the gym. Oh, my dear derriere, how you will hate me tomorrow.
- The song "Auto Rock" by Mogwai comes highly recommended.
- The people on main campus have not paid me for two weeks. Heads will fucking roll. Aka, I'll send a meek email in the morning. Rar, I'm manly.
- If I don't sort and put away my laundry soon, gargoyles and snakes will attack me. That is, if my dear mother is to be believed. I fear she is right.
- Oh yeah, as of a few days ago, Melissa and I the proud owners of our first bits of furniture. Helloooo, sexy love seat and chairs.
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