Monday, April 13, 2009

Apr. 13

Apr. 13
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy
Taking a quick break at work, and thus blogging. I think we've got an internet connection now, but haven't had the chance to test that.

I'm so sick of the cancer stuff... Thoughts of treatment send me into full panic, and the stress of it is getting to me. My stomach hurts again a fair bit. That may also be attributed to the lactose bit. Seems lactaid isn't doing the trick anymore, and I end up with the worst stomach pain, regardless.

I only have to think of chemo #9 tomorrow, and I start freaking out... I'll be doping up on ativan and benadryl, and I'll hopefully just sleep through everything. Three more... Three more... Just three more. As of yesterday, I'll be done in a month.

I was talking to a friend, and he made a passing comment -- " have cancer"... Hearing it in present tense seemed wrong. I haven't been told that I'm in remission, but I just can't conceive the thought of me still being sick.

I've decided that, for better or worse, if I require additional chemotherapy, I will elect to take a break for one month. If they don't like it, I just won't go. I have no idea how I'm going to get through three more treatments, as is. I need a break. My body needs a break. My mind needs a break. One more month.

Once again, I am so very thankful for all the help and support I've been receiving from everybody -- thank you. I could not do this without all your support.


S. F. Heron said...

A, I know how you're feeling. My Mom is in the same situation with desperately wanting a break. However, and this is a big however, you do not want to give your cancer the upper hand by taking a break. When you're in a better state of mind, this will make more sense. Let your Doc be your guide but tell him how you're feeling. He'll figure that into the plan.

I feel your pain, sweetie, and I'm praying that you find strength. You have it, you can do it. Just take things one day at a time.

Ask for anxiety meds if you need them. This is SO common with chemo patients. Getting pumped full of toxins tends to freak people out.

Take care, be well and so glad you posted as I was wondering how you were doing.


Magali said...

bon courage for tomorrow! I'm afraid that's all I can think of...

Holly said...

dear boy...#9 tomorrow. i don't know how you will face the next three...but you will, somehow, we do it even when we think we can't...i will be sending all my (ok, not ALL, but a lot of...) my positive energy to you...

Anonymous said...

Hi sweet Armand,
Anxiety meds are great - ask if you need/want. And I've learned that following "protocols" can be much more satisfying if you whine, bitch and moan about it some.

I think of you all the time; this is never an easy or painless journey, and a long journey it is.


Gazelle said...

I took a break against advice during the fifth month by missing one round. I then resumed and finished - my doctor later told me she felt it was the right decision, even though it defied evidence from randomized controlled trial data.

These next three [for you] are important. Use the possibility of a break as a way to get through tomorrow. I don't know you but I believe based on reading this blog that you can get there in the am.

That's all you need focus on now.

deborah d. lattimore said...


Sahra said...

Dear, dear Armand, it's completely fucked, I know, but you can do it, hang in there.

[PS I had the terrible stomach pains too...i can recommend trying baths (if you have one), otherwise long, long showers and heat pads. Also taking slippery elm helped a little, if you can get it down. Oh, and I took all the anti anxiety meds they would give me].

Gazelle said...

hi Armand,

sending well wishes your way and hoping you're sleeping peacefully in that post-infusion 24+ hour KO.


Alli said...

I just started reading your blog tonight and I wish you Peace & Be Easy...


Sue R. said...

We have been following your blog and though we haven't commented you are in our thoughts always. Three more! the end is in sight, just one day at a time. All the best for a fast recovery,
Jurg and Sue

Armand said...

Sharon: Thank you for your words of encouragement. It's true, there's not much more than taking each day at a time. The problem is, when there's too many consecutive bad days, you just want out. But it's what we do... we continue to plug along...

Magali: Many thanks. Sometimes, that's all it takes :)

Holly: Thank you, thank you. #10 is down. Two more to go.
Kathy: Thank you. And indeed... I think I've overworked my bitching muscle of late. But alas, it's done some good, I'm sure.

Jen: Thank you.. I will not take a break from the twelve rounds... But should there be need for a thirteenth, or more, I'm not making any promises.

Deb: :)

Sahra: Ativan is my friend. I find it calms the nausea more than anti-emetics, as it seems one leads to the other...

Alli: I hope it entertains, at least ;) Thanks for stumbling this way.

Sue: Thanks guys :) Hope you are doing well.

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