Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Apr. 22

Apr. 22
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy
So, it's confirmed. My grandfather has stomach cancer. Also, somewhere along the chain of info, things got messed up -- my grandmother doesn't have Parkinson's, she has Alzheimer's. I had to crack up at the fact that someone along the way essentially "forgot" the Alzheimer's diagnosis. Then again, I laugh at some pretty grim things. I always used to say, "Armand puts the FUN back in FUNERAL."

I'm tired of all this. So, so, very tired. I just really don't want cancer in my life anymore... I understand it's just something that happens -- everyone has to die of something -- but I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I never got involved with I'm Too Young For This because it never felt right. I don't like being apart of a group just because I happen to fall within its parameters for membership. Although it's just more bitching about cancer, I choose to read the "cancer blogs" I follow because of something that has to do with the writers, not their illness.

I'm fatigued. My skin has had it with me. I think it will soon just abandon me and find a healthier host who will treat it nicer. I am not as petrified of chemo #11 as I was of #10, because the last one went quite easy, but I don't want to go see my doctor again. I don't want to sit around for hours on end, waiting for poison to filter into me. I don't want to answer questions about my body. I want to forget about my body, actually... Yeah, that'd be nice.

Ah well. Trapped in space and time, here I am.

Yesterday, despite craptacular news, Melissa and I actually had a pretty fun time. She had the day off work, so I took it off as well, so we could get a bunch of stuff done around the house. The bookcase I've been threatening to assemble for the past two weeks is still in pieces, but the living room is almost livable. There are no more empty boxes and bags and whatnot, sitting all over the place. We took a run out to to a couple of second-hand stores to drop off a bunch of things we needed to jettison. Went by a fabric store to look at potential drapery for the living room (oh yeah, pure white douppioni silk to go with red and espresso furniture? I think so). All the while, had yummy eats and planned out the rest of the apartment in excruciating detail.

*sigh* I'm sometimes puzzled by the things which bring me joy.


Elyse said...

Sorry to hear about the news with your family. That's hard.

Isn't that a Zen-y idea... taking pleasure in the day to day... realizing the intrinsic value in the every day. Plus you're creating something lovely with someone you love. Of course that would bring you joy!

Take care, you.

Nico said...

I'm also sorry to hear about the news with your family. That is hard indeed, but let me not dwell upon this.

It's awesome that you are taking pleasure in the day-to-day, and also that you are able to a) be excited about your place and b) still have a good time with each other. If you need any help with said bookshelf, I am an IKEA pro.



Renee said...

So sorry to hear about your grandparents. Damn!

Sometimes it is so hard to see the light at the end of the journey-that-no-one-wants-to-be-on. I'm so glad that you had a good day and, even better, food! Anything to keep the mind off the cancer and the sucky treatments.

Big hugs going your way.


deborah d. lattimore said...

i'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather.

doing the happy dance for you and melissa!

S. F. Heron said...

So sad about your grandpa. Is he undergoing treatment? And I'm sorry about your grandma as well.

As hard as it is, you so need to focus on the positive for your mental and physical health. Looks like you are heading in the right direction setting up your new place with Melissa. Don't ignore the sad, just balance it out. It's so hard to do when you aren't feeling well.

Virtual hugs for you , big guy! Hang in there.

Alli said...

So terribly sorry regading the news about your grandparents.That's so difficult to hear...

Through all this try and stay positive. I agree with you this Cancer thing SUCKS!

Alli Xx.....

Holly said...

please post dear boy...i get so worried when days go by without your indomitable wit and spirit brightening my heartfelt condolences on the family grief....

Corrine said...

yikes :S

I'm sorry to hear about your grand parents and I can only try to imagine tired you are of chemo and being sick. You are nearly done with it all though, just keep focused on the little things that make you happy!

Melissa is going to tackle Duponi Silk? I predict much swearing at the sewing machine.

Tori said...

You also often invite people to dance on your grave when you die... I recall you saying something like: "NO CRYING, DAMMIT!"

Good luck with chemo tomorrow, my dear.

Armand said...

Elyse: Yeah, the world sucks, but there's bright spots.

Nick: I think we've assembled most everything we can assemble as of yet. However, if you guys need help setting stuff up in your new place, do let me know!

Renee & Deborah: Many thanks.

Sharon: He's at the beginning of it all. Apparently he's found an oncologist, and the plan is to operate. Some 2/3 of his stomach seems to be affected..

Alli: Sometimes, rocking back and forth, trying to wait it all out, is all we can do.

Holly: Here ya go ;)

Corrine: Hehe, we'll see how it goes. She's a skilled lady, but I know her well enough to stay well out of her way :)

Tori: Thanks. Dance, or other words starting with the letter D (... some as many as 8 letters long) will follow.