Friday, November 28, 2008
I was a bit relieved yesterday when my doctor said I might not need a port-a-cath, or even a line in my arm, but for the sake of my veins and the OH DEAR LORD QUIT STABBING ME, I'm starting to warm up to the idea of them poking plastic rather than flesh.
So, let's see if I can finish my entry from two days ago, without an emotional breakdown...
I wish I were healthy again. I wish this hadn't happened. But wishing doesn't get me very far. But where I am now, I can't help but become enraged when I see people throw their health away, and that's for two reasons. One, is that I got sick "for no reason". I rarely drink, I'm not a smoker, I've been a healthy(ish) weight for six or seven years, and I try to eat relatively decent food. Seeing people put themselves in harm's way makes me boil with rage. The other reason is, these people are causing such a huge drain on the system. From a strictly utilitarian view, the more resources that get doled out for people's poor choices, the less resources are for people who got fucked over because of a genetic fluke, or something. I know it's a very relative argument, but regardless...
In other news, I have a new growth on the left side of my neck, somewhere behind my jugular. It makes me wonder if it has anything to do with the low-level headache I'm having. I'll be eating my words very quickly, I think, but I can't wait to start chemo. I'm told that lymph nodes may shrink within days of starting treatment, and I can't deny looking forward to that.
Also, on a final note, I'd really like to add that I'm extremely thankful for all the support I've been receiving. You people are great. I know I'm an ornery old goat when it comes to accepting help, but it's very much appreciated.