Sunday, January 25, 2009

Jan. 24

Jan. 24
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy
There are a couple of things I wanted to talk about in this entry, but it's damn late, at least for me. I have a perpetual feeling as though I've fallen behind, and I don't have enough time to catch up. At the same time, everything has slowed down to a crawl. Each good week after chemo flies right by, but chemotherapy itself is distant and arduous.

Wow, that sounded pompous.

I feel wound up, but I want to go to sleep. I should take an Ativan, but I hate feeling woozy. I have so little time left with a clear head... Ugh... At the same time, I have the urge to get piss-drunk and sing karaoke.

Point form.
- Social worker lady (known to the rest of humanity as Pat) wants me to have an appointment with a Psychiatrist
- Pat thinks I should consider anti-depressants
- Pat has some awesome logic: I'm already on a myriad of chemicals artificially making me depressed... What's a few more milligrams of something else that'll screw with my already screwed brain chemistry?
- I hate the thought of SSRIs, but I'm feeling like a grumpy burden to myself and others
- I'm not healthy
- ???

See? Long entry made easy. Thank you, point form!


Deltcho said...

SSRIs don't JUST screw with your brain chemistry, they also have some really bad side effects... (like massive weight gain, acne, chronic fatigue).

I don't imagine you would feel any better with some of those side-effects... Why add to your misery? Maybe you'll find some meds that have more benefits than they do side-effects. (Hopefully)

Holly said...

And here's another perspective...SSRI's have saved my life(ok - overly dramatic here) and probably those of the people around me. without them i am irritable, sad, pathetic and anxious beyond belief. i have to agree with Pat - toss in some good chemicals to help balance out all the shit chemicals that are getting pumped into you know from my blog how very,very cheerful I am about my life (hah! - especially that crap BF and his new GF)...just THINK what I would be saying on the blog without my daily effexor fix...better living through chemistry dear....

deborah d. lattimore said...

go with your gut! what does it say?

Nico said...

Effexor does have some positive effects and some negative effects for yours truly. Chronic sleepiness, Deltcho? Oh HELL yes! Look the f*** OUT until I've had either 15 hours of sleep or about a gallon of coffee. On the other hand, I am now far more productive and ambitious once I AM awake... that I'm up to 150mg.

Better living through chemistry indeed! Holly and Deb both have a point, methinks.

I think counselling/psychological consultation/whatevertheheckyawannacallit will help more than anything, but there is definitely no shame in going with the SSRI's, provided your medical team sees no issues.

Can this shit just all go AWAY?!

Tori said...

I agree with Deb: go with your gut. Granted, I don't know much about SSRIs, but Pat's logic seems sound.

Also, I'm retarded. I think the increased alcohol intake lately has pickled my brain: I read "profit" as a compound word. I was like "What the hell does pro-fit mean?"

I win at life.

bLiberty said...

I saw your pictures on Flickr thought I'd tell you I feel ya
I'm now 20 and was diagnosed with Hodgkin's at 19 last august
OOOOH how it flips your world upside down
but good luck with everything
you're not alone and not in that x-file sorta way...of course :P

Armand said...

Deltcho: I've researched SSRIs a bit (and a bit more recently, heh), and I'm well aware of the side-effects. Yep. They scare the fuck out of me. And you're right... I don't want to add more crap. That's why I'm starting Well-Fit tomorrow, and am planning to start running later in the week. I'm hoping exercise will release enough endorphins to keep me going, will help with the body image, and help me regain a semblance of control. If that doesn't work, I'll first probably try some natural supplements. I'll be requesting a meeting with my chemotherapy pharmacist next time I'm at the hospital, to see what I could take that wouldn't mix with my chemo. Failing all those options, I'm relying on the fact that I'd be taking SSRIs until no later than July or August, when I can at least stop chemotherapy. I just hate feeling powerless... Right about now, I'm willing to settle for something that'll just make me not care. At least that way, I won't routinely slip into despair :p

Holly: I'm a megalomaniacal control freak, and in so many ways, I see SSRIs as stripping me of control... Control over feeling my own misery... As pointless as it is to sometimes feel it. I will try my hardest to fix the things that are making me depressed, first. Whatever I can change, at least in the meantime. I just need to feel like I've done everything I can, first. It's not that I consider SSRIs as a last resort, but I want to feel like I've put in all the effort I can. Whether it is sufficient is irrelevant. I'll somehow feel as though I "did the right thing".

Deborah: My gut just tells me to stay the hell away from all-you-can-eat buffets. Bad bad... Silliness aside, I'm torn between giving up control, and not wanting to feel like crap. I'm going to end up tossing a coin, in the end. Might as well. Not like I had anything to do with getting *in* this situation. Who cares how I get out??

Nick: Oh, if it only would go away. And you're right. I'm looking to alternative therapies more than anything. I want to fix my life, not to just mute the feelings. However, it's tough to fix things when you refuse to pull the covers from over your head. Probably it'll be a balance of the two...

Tori: Here I am, fighting for my health, and you're turning your innards into a pickle jar... Tsk tsk, Ms. Tori. Tsk tsk ;) By all means, though, your drunken text messages bring unmatched levity to my life, so... :p

bLiberty: Thank you for your comment. Yay another young'un who got fucked over. I hope you are doing well. If you got diagnosed in august, I'm guessing you're probably towards the end of chemotherapy, or you're freshly done. Again... I hope you are doing well. Please do keep in touch.