Sunday, December 28, 2008

Dec. 27

Dec. 27
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy
So, here's tonight's ponderous question: why me?

A friend was asking much the same, in regards to impending chemotherapy. I wish I fucking knew.

I was sort of touching on the subject earlier on. If someone could give me an answer, *any* logical answer, I'd be glad. I joked earlier tonight about confronting the "spiritual counsellor" at the hospital about it. Asking him how a benevolent, all-seeing, all-knowing, omnipresent and omnipotent god can allow things like these to happen. I guess even if someone told me that it was "survival of the fittest", I'd be satisfied. If someone told me that I'm genetically programmed to die young so as to leave room for better, fitter individuals, I'd accept that. But this is random. In the words of Gwen Stefani: this shit is bananas.

I just want a logical answer. I need something tangible. Oh well, one mini breakdown per month is not too bad, I guess.


deborah d. lattimore said...

i've thought about this long and hard. i'm an atheist, so of course the god philosophy is out of the ballpark for me. and i haven't been tested for the breast cancer gene yet, so i can't blame my family history. but i think about all the people i've met since my diagnosis who have had cancer, who are in treatment, who are in recovery, who had recurrences - and they are all the most amazing, generous, compassionate, generous people. that includes you and it includes me too. i wonder if cancer hits the wonderful people like us so that we can reach out and help others. it sure must be the reason, because the bastards that i know don't get cancer - as they puff away on their cigs. :)

Anonymous said...

Gwen Stefani? Really? For shame.
You magnificent bastard, one breakdown a month is impressive. Keep on, David Hasselhoff wants you to.

Holly said...

it is so very hard becasue there is no making sense of this stuff. bad things happen. this is a very bad thing. i never really asked why me? but rather, why not me? i don't deserve this - no one does. but i can think of a lot of good stuff that has happened in my life that i don't feel i deserve either. i think some of the answer comes in how we try to respond when bad shit bananas happen. i try to do it with grace and good humor. it worked much of the time - but not all of the time. i am a woman of faith but getting cancer didn't challenge my faith in any way...didn't strengthen it either.

Anonymous said...

I don't think there are "bastards" in life. Some people "smoke", some people pass judgments. Which is worse? Neither. I also think everyone is "wonderful" and compassionate at the core. To me, we are the same being, just pieces of the same person. It seems that some of the pieces carry more, or less, but in truth, all beings suffer. That is the unfortunate truth. We are profoundly connected in both joy and suffering.

My mother and two sisters died from cancer. I have a son who suffers daily from the torment of schizophrenia. I have taken care of them all, a lifetime given to them, a lifetime of their gifts given to me. What I've learned from my own experience as a caregiver is: positive intent is a powerful force, and suffering brings a compassion not only for others, but for oneself.

Holly said...

i love your comments Anonymous! You are a gracious and giving person. I am glad the world has you in it.

Corrine said...

I know I'd ask the same question too, but I don't think there is an answer. Which is probably not what you want to hear.

Michael is a bio major (which doesn't make him an expert, but it does mean he has knowledge that I don't), and he said that "cancer" occurs in everyone's bodies, everyday. Cancer in the most simple terms (which I am sure you know), is just cells which go nuts lol. Usually, your body can make these rogue cells stop dividing and fight it like a virus, but sometimes it cant.

It is conceivable that one could develop cancer in one instance because your immune system is weak at that moment, but in another instance, your body could fight the cancer.

Cancers work like viruses, and in fact some viruses can turn into cancer. Now I am sure you, and everyone else here knows this (I hadn't thought about it this way, so it was helpful to have it explained for an arts student LOL).

It just made me realize it's fairly random. I mean sometimes people have genetic reasons why they may be more susceptible to develop cancer, or they have habits (like the uber disgusting smoking), but not ever smoker gets cancer.

It's unfortunately, just another unfair, random instance of life. It may just make you more angry to try to find the answer why me, because there is No good answer. what you can focus on is, what now? The situation sucks, but you can control how you face this disease!!

Armand said...

Deborah: Hahahaha. Oh, I know. I think most everyone should have at the very least a mandatory cancer scare. That might kick them in the pants and stop them from wasting their lives! ... or at the least stop taxing the system...

Kate: I don't know, I have to admit, although with some degree of parody, I have a soft spot for Ms. Stefani. Also, The Hoff... Man... I need to get a photo of him for my wallet. Whenever I feel depressed, I'll look at the Hoff, and feel inspired.

Holly: I've certainly "lucked out" on many things. I've had things come my way when I didn't expect them, and I've had bad things happen to me, too. However, in my experience, all of life's events, good or bad, tend to be a bit more subtle. Becoming ill is not the cornerstone of my life, but it is one of the most significant events that came along through completely unwarranted and unexpected means.

Anonymous: I have a much more pragmatic attitude to life, and perhaps so to a fault. I may be morose and perhaps almost morbid in my thinking, but I believe our actions shape our lives more than anything else. Who I am is (and pardon my dramatic, unsubstantiated statistics) 1% chance, 99% action. I define myself by my failures and accomplishments, and not by the things that merely happen around me, or affect me by circumstance. However, cancer has made me define myself by a label over which I have no control. Much as I have the option of defining myself by my ethnicity or age or sexuality, I have the seeming option of defining myself by my illness. Although I choose not to define myself by the former three, I don't stand much of a chance at not defining myself by the latter. It's too pervasive, and too uncontrollable. As for people being intrinsically kind and compassionate, I think it is about as probable as people being intrinsically selfish, or self-destructive, or whatever you may choose. *phew*... Let's try a not-so-long-winded approach: I think people are in control of much of their actions. Some people's reward-seeking behaviour is more damaging to themselves and to others, than many alternatives. I will freely pass judgment when people's beliefs and behaviours infringe on others' rights. That being said, I choose to not be hypocritical, and let others do the same.

Corrine: That's exactly it. Given the available information, I just don't know why. Save for the cancer, of course, I'm a healthy lad, with healthy-ish habits. I have no direct family history of it... Ugh... I think the thing that makes it the most frustrating is that (lung) cancer is generally touted as the punishment for smoking, or something of the sort. It's at least largely preventable. I feel like I am getting punished -- as cancer is, after all, a punishment -- for something I haven't done. I don't know. I blame the media!

Michelle said...

My grandpa had lung cancer, and he's probably he best person I've ever known. I don't think it is a punishment. You said that you define yourself by your actions, you have just been given one of the most trying situations that a person can have, and that should change your definition of yourself because you are handling it so well. Everyone is allowed moments of doubt fear and frustration but I think what you have done in honestly sharing what you are going through and really thinking about is admirable in a way that you would not be had you not been faced with this.
too bad that it's shitty as all hell