Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Feb, 10

Feb. 10
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy
If you're squeamish, skip this next paragraph.

I guess my blood counts must be getting low. My platelets must've tanked, because I'm bruising very easily. My port's been bugging me. I don't exactly have a lot of padding on my upper chest, and especially the line for the port, has been giving me grief. Given that it's passing over the collar bone, it gets dinged pretty often, and the skin is now faintly discolored and sensitive.

My memory is completely gone. This morning Melissa and I had an appointment to go measure the apartment. Apparently half an hour is already too long, and we were kinda ushered out. In the hurried nature of everything, I forgot to ask the super if we could start moving stuff in a couple of days early, because I have chemo the day before moving day. Combined with the forgetfulness of the last few days, forgetting about this put me in a pretty crappy mood. When I realised that I forgot the clipboard with all the measurements in the apartment, you could say I had something along the lines of a minor "episode."

Didn't know I had such capacity for self-loathing.

I realize it's chemically-induced, but I am severely unbalanced. Unhinged, you might say. I then spent the bulk of the afternoon oscillating between raging outbursts and catatonia.

I am now re-re-re-reconsidering the SSRIs. I think the chemotherapy and stress have triggered some low-level, rapid-cycling bipolar-like state. Every two or three weeks I go through unwavering mania for a few days, and then I sink and can't come back. This is my good week... The first half of today was fucking awful.

I luckily/sadly spent the day with Melissa. In so many ways, she really is my saviour... And I feel so guilty for dragging her down with me, so much of the time.

I honestly don't get it. I have days when I'm dealing with things so well. I think I'm fine with everything... And then I have days when I feel undeserving of the good days. Yep. I'm doing great.


deborah d. lattimore said...

i'm right there with you on the disappearance of memory. i therefore no longer feeling organized at all and feel very vulnerable. i find it shocking to have lost that part of myself. now i totally "get" my mom, who has alzheimer's. i'll never be frustrated with her again. about the side effects - i think the ONLY reason i don't have any (yet?) is because i work at home and rarely leave my apartment now and don't plan to until chemo is finished. i sleep a LOT, have no stress, and don't breathe in anyone's germs. the only exercise i get is on my rebounder an hour/day. i'm a cancer hothouse flower. ha. it's incredibly boring as HELL, by the way. i think of you every day and hope you get a huge break from this cancer shit. xox

Kathy said...

Stupid (but theoretically lifesaving) chemo and stupid side effects. It is very common for cancer patients to seek counseling and/or need anti-depressants. Take care of you. Thinking of you, Kathy

Armand said...

Deborah: I can't stay indoors for long. I go crazy. You, too, are in my thoughts. I hope you are doing well.

Kathy: I'm trying... I hate the thought of MORE chemicals, but I'm starting to lose sight of the end, otherwise.