Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I guess my blood counts must be getting low. My platelets must've tanked, because I'm bruising very easily. My port's been bugging me. I don't exactly have a lot of padding on my upper chest, and especially the line for the port, has been giving me grief. Given that it's passing over the collar bone, it gets dinged pretty often, and the skin is now faintly discolored and sensitive.
My memory is completely gone. This morning Melissa and I had an appointment to go measure the apartment. Apparently half an hour is already too long, and we were kinda ushered out. In the hurried nature of everything, I forgot to ask the super if we could start moving stuff in a couple of days early, because I have chemo the day before moving day. Combined with the forgetfulness of the last few days, forgetting about this put me in a pretty crappy mood. When I realised that I forgot the clipboard with all the measurements in the apartment, you could say I had something along the lines of a minor "episode."
Didn't know I had such capacity for self-loathing.
I realize it's chemically-induced, but I am severely unbalanced. Unhinged, you might say. I then spent the bulk of the afternoon oscillating between raging outbursts and catatonia.
I am now re-re-re-reconsidering the SSRIs. I think the chemotherapy and stress have triggered some low-level, rapid-cycling bipolar-like state. Every two or three weeks I go through unwavering mania for a few days, and then I sink and can't come back. This is my good week... The first half of today was fucking awful.
I luckily/sadly spent the day with Melissa. In so many ways, she really is my saviour... And I feel so guilty for dragging her down with me, so much of the time.
I honestly don't get it. I have days when I'm dealing with things so well. I think I'm fine with everything... And then I have days when I feel undeserving of the good days. Yep. I'm doing great.