Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Feb. 18

Feb. 18
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy
It's funny, the things you learn to do when you're undergoing chemo... Such as, planning trips... You know, when you decide to take a trip upstairs, and you know that flight of stairs is almost going to kill you, so you want to make the best of it. Or, as I've really taken to doing lately, holding my breath when I pee. All I smell is chemicals. I fucking hate this smell. It smells like chemicals and burning flesh.

What wouldn't I give for three months to pass... No more cancer, no more chemo... On my way to moving in with Melissa... Starting life again... Going back to my job, filling out grad school applications, getting back into photography...

Melissa and I have been talking about converting one of the larger closets (5'x5') into a mini darkroom. I can't wait for all that...

I want to go to the gym.

Tomorrow I've got an appointment with my ophthalmologist. Before I got diagnosed, I was having disturbances in my left visual field -- fogging, light blooming, and periodic blind spots. That's cleared up pretty much completely, in the last few months, at least.

Good night, beautiful people.


Deltcho said...

I'm glad to hear that your vision appears to be getting better! I remember you were complaining about the various (potentially neurological) symptoms meanwhile the doctor had told you there was nothing wrong with your eyes...

Maybe the chemo killed the problematic cells and some healthy ones took over!

deborah d. lattimore said...

i'm going to be sending you something spectacular and dreamy once the three months of fuckhell are over. you'll be using it in your darkroom, hint hint. as much as i despise this time in my life and chemo, i am SO glad that i'm able to go through hell at the same time you are and that we met.

when my chemo is over, unfortunately i shall be homeless and clothesless. i am going to have to get rid of every single thing that reminds me of my time with chemo. already i have had to give away blankets, some clothes, that bastard water bottle i took to chemo, tons of food (my son loves this part), and now i want to get rid of my entire apartment, all my clothes, not to mention my whole head and body. i actually get anticipatory nausea whenever i look or think of these things. you can imagine what i will have to do to my med onc and esp the nurses in the infusion chamber!!

Armand said...

Delthco: You know, I thought the same, but I really don't want to think that my cancer caused vision issues... That would involve brain and or eyes... But my head CT came back clean, so I think it might have been stress and exhaustion. I mean, right up until I got sick, I was basically staring at my monitor/thesis 25 hours a day.

Deborah: You are much too sweet. You needn't send me any gifts :) Also, I recommend a man-sized incinerator, to dispose of nauseating staff ;)