Thursday, February 5, 2009

Feb. 04

Feb. 04
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy
The day from hell, or hellday as I've come to affectionately call it, is over.

Hospital visit turned out rather fruitless. Fluoroscopy became quickly negated by the fact that I had a nasty reaction to the xray dye, and thus we ended up just doing a chest xray... which I already had done last week... but regardless, it once again showed nothing really wrong with my port. My doctor's advice: keep turning over during the night, to keep the port from jabbing into my heart and irritating the lining. Then get it removed as soon as I'm done chemotherapy. Thaaaanks.

Meetings, etc. Nothing special.

Melissa came by work and brought me tea. She's such a sweetheart.

Proctored a test this evening which actually went by very quickly, and was actually kind of fun. Afterwards, I went out for food + beer with a bunch of office denizens, and had additional fun. I can't remember the last time I did this, really... My guess is, before I got sick. It was a nice throw-back to "normal life".

Must now address student concerns, and then promptly begin snoring.

Addendum: At the gym, two days ago, it turns out I really strained a hamstring. Oh, aching groin, you're a lot funnier when you happen to people who are not me.

Addendum #2: For some reason, I felt compelled to read the first few entries in my blog. I can't even relate to myself two months ago. The things I've learned to accept are startling. I was so angry that I'll be spending the rest of my life fearing a relapse. Now it strikes me as irresponsible to not have cancer on your mind. Now it's there, all the time. But somehow, it's... Not comfortable, but expected. I'm used to having a port. I'm used to having good weeks, and bad weeks. I can't understand people who don't. I wonder if I'll ever go back to "being normal". Normal doesn't exist anymore.


Holly said...

i love the line...'it's irresponsible NOT to have cancer on your mind'...are there REALLY people out there who do not think about cancer all the time? i guess i used to be one of them - can't even remember that 'me'...o and btw - my former love of my life called me this week to tell me he is getting married...i am determined NOT to blog about it...but leaving a comment on YOUR blog about it is almost as satisfying...

deborah d. lattimore said...

"normal doesn't exist anymore." amen to that. i have a heightened awareness of everything now. yesterday with matt we had a laugh and i felt like time had frozen for a second, and i was thinking in that exact moment, "THIS is what it means to be happy." i'm so aware of every experience that really matters. like melissa bringing you tea. i hate chemo, but i thank cancer for changing my life this way. oxoxo

Tori said...

I misread "hellday" as "helliday". Like holiday, but... hellish. Which, depending on how much contact with one's family the holiday in question requires, could be applied on a much broader scale.

I was thinking, recently, about how much you've changed in the time I've known you (which is not that long, I guess). "Normal" is fluid... the Armand of this past summer is certainly not the same person as Armand of Summer 2005. Of course, cancer has probably changed your 'worldview' as much in the past few months as over the previous few years.

Anyways, my point is, maybe it's not a matter of going back to the old 'normal' way of thinking, but trying to be comfortable with your new set of concerns and whatnot.

Or maybe I'm just rambling and full of crap. Please feel free to say so ;)

penguie said...

half asleep at the moment but do you happen to know which dye you had?
Often they use Omni but Visi may sometimes be better tolerated depending upon the sort of reaction you had

do take care

Armand said...

Holly: Ignorance is bliss... And... That... sucks. That's about all I can say... I hope you're doing well, or as well as you can be, given the circumstances.

Deborah: I would sooner experience happiness naturally.... But I'm always bitter after chemo...

Tori: Helliday is right. Also, yeah, it's all adaptation from here on out. Just... not adapting to winning the lottery... Adapting to winning the wrong kind of lottery...

Jen: I haven't the foggiest. Whatever it was, it made me feel all aflame and drooly and teary and not being able to breathe.