What a fucker.
Lymph nodes are down from 3.5cm to 1.4cm. Still bigger than 1.0cm, so that means things are still not clear. But it could be scar tissue.
Awesome.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Mar. 26
Just a feeew more hours until I see my doc.
I can honestly say that I did not put off hearing the results from my CT scan out of fear. I'm planning to be done on May 12th. Best case scenario, that just gets confirmed by the doctor. Worst case scenario, that doesn't happen. Why have her rain on my parade a few days early? The verdict's not gonna change.
So unlike me...
Speaking of which. As a follow-up to the Enneagrams. I'm type 5, 8, and 4. Funny. Before I got sick, I was 1 and 4. As per last night's Death and Dying lecture, 1s often have trouble dealing with others' grief, and often will come across as insensitive. I think this cancer thing has been a very humbling experience, and has taught me to better relate to people. In other words, it kicked the 1 out of me.
I can honestly say that I did not put off hearing the results from my CT scan out of fear. I'm planning to be done on May 12th. Best case scenario, that just gets confirmed by the doctor. Worst case scenario, that doesn't happen. Why have her rain on my parade a few days early? The verdict's not gonna change.
So unlike me...
Speaking of which. As a follow-up to the Enneagrams. I'm type 5, 8, and 4. Funny. Before I got sick, I was 1 and 4. As per last night's Death and Dying lecture, 1s often have trouble dealing with others' grief, and often will come across as insensitive. I think this cancer thing has been a very humbling experience, and has taught me to better relate to people. In other words, it kicked the 1 out of me.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Mar. 25
Craziness!
At the gym, I learned that a) I've gained 10 lbs, and b) lost about 3 lbs of fat. That means in the past month, I've gained roughly 13 lbs of muscle. Oh rar. On my way to becoming Batman.
In Death and Dying we discussed Enneagrams. Actually, if you all wouldn't mind going to the site, taking the test, and letting me know what type you are, it would make things easier for me. That being said, Enneagrams are just about the only personality typology that I believe holds any water.
Learned many great truths about myself. Also getting a bit of an idea why I constantly say things like "Learned many great truths about myself", instead of approaching things like that, or, oh, you know, cancer, in a more genuine manner.
To wrap things up, I had dinner with a friend after class, which created many more thought bubbles... More processing to be done.
I like it when my brain works...
At the gym, I learned that a) I've gained 10 lbs, and b) lost about 3 lbs of fat. That means in the past month, I've gained roughly 13 lbs of muscle. Oh rar. On my way to becoming Batman.
In Death and Dying we discussed Enneagrams. Actually, if you all wouldn't mind going to the site, taking the test, and letting me know what type you are, it would make things easier for me. That being said, Enneagrams are just about the only personality typology that I believe holds any water.
Learned many great truths about myself. Also getting a bit of an idea why I constantly say things like "Learned many great truths about myself", instead of approaching things like that, or, oh, you know, cancer, in a more genuine manner.
To wrap things up, I had dinner with a friend after class, which created many more thought bubbles... More processing to be done.
I like it when my brain works...
Mar. 24
Today, my honey and I celebrated our two year anniversary. Well, in theory, we did. The actual celebrating won't come until we're in our new place.
Less than a week. Much excitement...
On the cancer front, three things to mention.
1. Last night I actually dreamt I was talking to my doctor, and she said my CT scan showed that I was in remission. I woke up very happy... Felt kinda crushed when I realized it was only a dream.
2. The lactose intolerance is pretty fucking nasty. I forgot about it, and had some hors d'oeuvres with cheese. I am now in pain.
3. I am getting pretty fatigued. I slept twelve hours last night, and was already ready to go to bed around 10 or so (which is unheard of, for me). I don't know what's causing it, given that my counts are (or were) back to normal. Then again, I have been going to the gym for two or three hours a day, every day since Friday. I may just be tired.
Less than a week. Much excitement...
On the cancer front, three things to mention.
1. Last night I actually dreamt I was talking to my doctor, and she said my CT scan showed that I was in remission. I woke up very happy... Felt kinda crushed when I realized it was only a dream.
2. The lactose intolerance is pretty fucking nasty. I forgot about it, and had some hors d'oeuvres with cheese. I am now in pain.
3. I am getting pretty fatigued. I slept twelve hours last night, and was already ready to go to bed around 10 or so (which is unheard of, for me). I don't know what's causing it, given that my counts are (or were) back to normal. Then again, I have been going to the gym for two or three hours a day, every day since Friday. I may just be tired.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Mar. 23
Some days, you just gotta crawl into a hole and hide. I kinda did that for the last two days, hence the lack of updates.
Did my best to keep a low profile, hoping I'll stop being a grumpy fucking panda. Oh, such a grumpy fucking panda.
Actually, no, I hate pandas. Punch them right in their lazy faces. That's right.
Did my best to keep a low profile, hoping I'll stop being a grumpy fucking panda. Oh, such a grumpy fucking panda.
Actually, no, I hate pandas. Punch them right in their lazy faces. That's right.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Mar. 20
Today pretty much made up for yesterday's lack of activity. Had a pretty full day at work, followed by dinner with Deltcho, then gym with Rob.
I don't feel like writing. I'm going to bed. Good night!
I don't feel like writing. I'm going to bed. Good night!
Friday, March 20, 2009
Mar. 19
Ooooh, feeling like absolute garbage today. Had a couple of energetic spots here and there, but overall, I mostly felt woozy and miserable. Didn't get much (any) work done today. Didn't go to the gym. I... Uh... Cleaned some?
I hope tomorrow is better.
I miss the artsy stuff, again. I really want to paint, and I've been looking at MUNNY figurines. It's been ages since I've painted, though, so before I spend money on these things, I'll first just use some of the old sculpey things I've whipped up some time ago, as practice.
I lead a very exciting life.
I hope tomorrow is better.
I miss the artsy stuff, again. I really want to paint, and I've been looking at MUNNY figurines. It's been ages since I've painted, though, so before I spend money on these things, I'll first just use some of the old sculpey things I've whipped up some time ago, as practice.
I lead a very exciting life.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Mar. 18
Another one bites the dust.
Today, I be feelin' like shite. Very woozy and just plain miserable. Stemetil is my friend. There's about a 45 minute period shortly after I take one, when the nausea goes away, and the fogginess doesn't quite yet set in.
Tomorrow is last day of nausea, though, I hope. It's at least the last day of Kytril. Then I should be fine.
I slept 14 hours last night. I'm sort of hoping to repeat that feat.
Today, I be feelin' like shite. Very woozy and just plain miserable. Stemetil is my friend. There's about a 45 minute period shortly after I take one, when the nausea goes away, and the fogginess doesn't quite yet set in.
Tomorrow is last day of nausea, though, I hope. It's at least the last day of Kytril. Then I should be fine.
I slept 14 hours last night. I'm sort of hoping to repeat that feat.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Mar. 17
Eight down, four to go.
Worst round of chemo, so far. Sort of kept it together until they flushed my port at the end, and that set me off so as to fill three of those kidney-shaped buckets with nothin' but vomit.
And that's all I can say about that, without getting nauseous again.
Melissa came with me again, and stayed with me afterwards (even after the explosive vomiting. I'm pretty sure this qualifies her for sainthood or something, right about now). We watched some more Planet Earth, and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It would have been a perfect evening, if it wasn't for the whole "me being sick and miserable". Oh well. Less than two weeks until the move!
I should add that I've been receiving so much support from so many kind and generous people. I can't thank you enough.
Along those lines... I'm often stuck in a weird position. I want to thank and acknowledge people's compassion and kindness, but I also don't want to violate their privacy by going into detail here. For what it's worth, your deeds do not go overlooked. I thank you dearly.
Point form:
- Blood counts were back up in the normal range! First time in six weeks!
- I picked up a Men's Health "Eat Right Guide" the other night. I said it before, and I'll say it again: after this cancer crap is over, I will be Batman!
- Stemetil is my friend
Worst round of chemo, so far. Sort of kept it together until they flushed my port at the end, and that set me off so as to fill three of those kidney-shaped buckets with nothin' but vomit.
And that's all I can say about that, without getting nauseous again.
Melissa came with me again, and stayed with me afterwards (even after the explosive vomiting. I'm pretty sure this qualifies her for sainthood or something, right about now). We watched some more Planet Earth, and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. It would have been a perfect evening, if it wasn't for the whole "me being sick and miserable". Oh well. Less than two weeks until the move!
I should add that I've been receiving so much support from so many kind and generous people. I can't thank you enough.
Along those lines... I'm often stuck in a weird position. I want to thank and acknowledge people's compassion and kindness, but I also don't want to violate their privacy by going into detail here. For what it's worth, your deeds do not go overlooked. I thank you dearly.
Point form:
- Blood counts were back up in the normal range! First time in six weeks!
- I picked up a Men's Health "Eat Right Guide" the other night. I said it before, and I'll say it again: after this cancer crap is over, I will be Batman!
- Stemetil is my friend
Monday, March 16, 2009
Mar. 16
Didn't die from the CT contrast.
Miserable day for the most part, otherwise. Felt drowsy and sick and all that fun stuff. And for the last while I've been smelling heparin. Don't know why. Don't want to know why.
I've got chemo tomorrow, and in a perverse way, I look forward to it. I just want to no longer have an excuse for not sitting my ass in bed and not moving for a while. Note to self: learn to slow down.
I'm going home.
Miserable day for the most part, otherwise. Felt drowsy and sick and all that fun stuff. And for the last while I've been smelling heparin. Don't know why. Don't want to know why.
I've got chemo tomorrow, and in a perverse way, I look forward to it. I just want to no longer have an excuse for not sitting my ass in bed and not moving for a while. Note to self: learn to slow down.
I'm going home.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Mar. 15
Can't brain good no more. That's why I'm foraging for other sources of brain.
CT scan in the morning. Then meeting. Then Well-Fit. Then gym. Then more work.
When do I get my vacation? When do I get my solid gold house and rocket car?
I'd settle for remission, you know?
CT scan in the morning. Then meeting. Then Well-Fit. Then gym. Then more work.
When do I get my vacation? When do I get my solid gold house and rocket car?
I'd settle for remission, you know?
Mar. 14
Point form:
- Went to Toronto
- Saw Bloc Party live. Very good. Opening act, Holy Fuck, was also very, very good.
- Have more work to do than I have energy.
- Went to gym. Cycling class = fun + evi. Fevil?
- Fatigue is setting in. No longer feeling muscle fatigue at the gym, but rather beginning to feel overall tired and occasionally light-headed.
- CT scan on Monday. Blech.
- Went to Toronto
- Saw Bloc Party live. Very good. Opening act, Holy Fuck, was also very, very good.
- Have more work to do than I have energy.
- Went to gym. Cycling class = fun + evi. Fevil?
- Fatigue is setting in. No longer feeling muscle fatigue at the gym, but rather beginning to feel overall tired and occasionally light-headed.
- CT scan on Monday. Blech.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Mar. 13
Goodbye, mohawk.
Some of the until-recently-absent effects of chemotherapy started catching up with me all of a sudden. Primary, the hair loss. It's not drastic, but it's thinning above and beyond the natural "hey man, you're going bald, ha-haw!" rhythm. I guess it's to be expected. As of yet, I've still got fuzz on me scalp. I wonder what it'll be like in two months' time.
And by gee-dash-dee, I will be done in two months!
Some of the until-recently-absent effects of chemotherapy started catching up with me all of a sudden. Primary, the hair loss. It's not drastic, but it's thinning above and beyond the natural "hey man, you're going bald, ha-haw!" rhythm. I guess it's to be expected. As of yet, I've still got fuzz on me scalp. I wonder what it'll be like in two months' time.
And by gee-dash-dee, I will be done in two months!
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Mar. 12
I've made up a story that sort of makes sense, regarding ye olde lump in my neck.
It's pretty unlikely that chemotherapy will affect the same kind of cancer in different ways, at the same time, especially within the same system. Also, it's pretty unlikely that I've developed a secondary cancer while undergoing treatment for the one. However, it's likely that I have a buildup of scar tissue that got pushed to the surface by the increase of muscle, since I've been going to the gym.
That story keeps me from freaking out. It's the story I'll keep telling myself until I hear otherwise.
As of today, I have exactly two months until my last round of chemotherapy. These last two weeks, once again, flew right by. I really hope this holds out...
It's pretty unlikely that chemotherapy will affect the same kind of cancer in different ways, at the same time, especially within the same system. Also, it's pretty unlikely that I've developed a secondary cancer while undergoing treatment for the one. However, it's likely that I have a buildup of scar tissue that got pushed to the surface by the increase of muscle, since I've been going to the gym.
That story keeps me from freaking out. It's the story I'll keep telling myself until I hear otherwise.
As of today, I have exactly two months until my last round of chemotherapy. These last two weeks, once again, flew right by. I really hope this holds out...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Mar. 11
Had another migraine today. Also made the stupid mistake of drinking a glass of milk with breakfast. I'll just say that the first half of my day was pretty lousy.
In Death and Dying, we watched a Hospice care documentary. I really don't know what to really say, following that.
Kinda wish I had a director's commentary to go along with my posts. Somehow say the stuff I can't spit out.
In Death and Dying, we watched a Hospice care documentary. I really don't know what to really say, following that.
Kinda wish I had a director's commentary to go along with my posts. Somehow say the stuff I can't spit out.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Mar. 10
I'm going to ignore the big cancerous elephant in the room, and try to get on with my life.
...
Yeah, this isn't workin' so good.
...
Yeah, this isn't workin' so good.
Mar. 09
No SSRIs for me. That's enough about that. Now onto more upsetting stuff.
I'm trying not to freak out. After all, my scans are now in less than a week. But today I found a lump on the side of my neck. It's right in the spot where I had a huge lymph node. Please please please let it be something other than a lymph node. Something benign, though.... If it is a lymph node, let it be scarred or swollen from the cold I've had. Just no more cancer. I need these fucking scans to come out clean. I really need this to end. Not only for me, but I also don't want to drag everyone through any more of this.
I was in a way preparing myself for bad news. I was trying to remember the day when I got diagnosed. November 17. Never going to live that day down, now, am I?
I honestly can't remember how that day played out, anymore. I remember being in the doctor's office, and I remember him telling me I have "Hodgkin's Disease." I remember my reaction: sarcastically belting out a monotone "Yaaaay." I was kinda relieved to know it was a curable cancer, at least. I remember him leaving the room, me wanting to cry, but not being able to. But after that, it gets choppy. I remember calling my mother, when I got to the car. I remember picking Melissa up from work that evening, and blurting it out as soon as she got in the car. I remember being really fucking calm, and looking up blog names that evening. cancerboy was taken. I remember finding a blog, last updated in 2005. The last entry said something along the lines of "...wish me luck!"
I didn't process things, because they were so alien. I don't know how I'd process things, now that I'm in the midst of it.
I also remember what I think was my fourth round of chemotherapy. Melissa and i were sitting in the chemo suite, and I looked around, and said "All these people have probably already heard the worst news of their lives."
I'm trying not to freak out. After all, my scans are now in less than a week. But today I found a lump on the side of my neck. It's right in the spot where I had a huge lymph node. Please please please let it be something other than a lymph node. Something benign, though.... If it is a lymph node, let it be scarred or swollen from the cold I've had. Just no more cancer. I need these fucking scans to come out clean. I really need this to end. Not only for me, but I also don't want to drag everyone through any more of this.
I was in a way preparing myself for bad news. I was trying to remember the day when I got diagnosed. November 17. Never going to live that day down, now, am I?
I honestly can't remember how that day played out, anymore. I remember being in the doctor's office, and I remember him telling me I have "Hodgkin's Disease." I remember my reaction: sarcastically belting out a monotone "Yaaaay." I was kinda relieved to know it was a curable cancer, at least. I remember him leaving the room, me wanting to cry, but not being able to. But after that, it gets choppy. I remember calling my mother, when I got to the car. I remember picking Melissa up from work that evening, and blurting it out as soon as she got in the car. I remember being really fucking calm, and looking up blog names that evening. cancerboy was taken. I remember finding a blog, last updated in 2005. The last entry said something along the lines of "...wish me luck!"
I didn't process things, because they were so alien. I don't know how I'd process things, now that I'm in the midst of it.
I also remember what I think was my fourth round of chemotherapy. Melissa and i were sitting in the chemo suite, and I looked around, and said "All these people have probably already heard the worst news of their lives."
Addendum: As a lovely side-effect to the chemo, I've now become lactose-intolerant. Basically, I have dairy, and within an hour I'm doubling over. You know what? Fuck cancer. Fuck it all night long.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Mar. 08
Weekend gone, all too soon.
Tomorrow's a busy day. I'm hoping to magically figure out the SSRI conundrum. On one hand, I'm loopy. On the other, I've got less than ten weeks of chemotherapy left. I want to just wait it out, because I don't want to a) risk the side-effects, and b) have to go through the whole process of weaning myself off them. But again... I'm loopy.
Today's song recommendation is the song Ulysses, by Franz Ferdinand. I'm seeing good ol Franz Ferdinand on May 4th. Jeaaaalouuus?
Tomorrow's a busy day. I'm hoping to magically figure out the SSRI conundrum. On one hand, I'm loopy. On the other, I've got less than ten weeks of chemotherapy left. I want to just wait it out, because I don't want to a) risk the side-effects, and b) have to go through the whole process of weaning myself off them. But again... I'm loopy.
Today's song recommendation is the song Ulysses, by Franz Ferdinand. I'm seeing good ol Franz Ferdinand on May 4th. Jeaaaalouuus?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Mar. 07
Today, we went to the Royal Ontario Museum. Also went by Krispy Kremes again. Oh, we did awful, awful things.
Had a pretty fuck-tacular migraine at some point, and had that weird eye stitch again, where it looks like somebody tore my visual field all up, and then stitched it back together rather poorly. Ah, body, you so funny.
I've got a long whiny entry in me, but I'm le tired. Off to the gym in the morning, to work off the guilt.
Had a pretty fuck-tacular migraine at some point, and had that weird eye stitch again, where it looks like somebody tore my visual field all up, and then stitched it back together rather poorly. Ah, body, you so funny.
I've got a long whiny entry in me, but I'm le tired. Off to the gym in the morning, to work off the guilt.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Mar. 06
I could rant about the borderline criminal callousness of people. I could rant about how when you're down, people seem to relish using your situation as an outlet.
But instead I'll say that I saw Watchmen tonight, and it was fucking awesome. Seriously. Go see it. Now.
But instead I'll say that I saw Watchmen tonight, and it was fucking awesome. Seriously. Go see it. Now.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Mar. 05
Didn't take the Kytril today. Figured I'd rather risk nausea, than another day of drowsiness. That was about 90% good idea. A couple of times where I felt my throat seize up as though in anticipation, but at least I had a clear(er?) head.
Got some work done, but not enough. I need to somehow make up for the days I lose to chemo, but I just have no fucking clue how. It's frustrating, trying to continue saying "I'm a real boy!" all Pinocchio-like, and trying to contend with everything else, but I think it would be even more frustrating, to fully withdraw.
I had dinner with Melissa, and then we saw a student production of The Vagina Monologues at the University. Need some more time to process that. In the meantime, feel free to call me patriarchal for not fully appreciating it.
It's nice and warm outside. Fuck, I missed not freezing.
Got some work done, but not enough. I need to somehow make up for the days I lose to chemo, but I just have no fucking clue how. It's frustrating, trying to continue saying "I'm a real boy!" all Pinocchio-like, and trying to contend with everything else, but I think it would be even more frustrating, to fully withdraw.
I had dinner with Melissa, and then we saw a student production of The Vagina Monologues at the University. Need some more time to process that. In the meantime, feel free to call me patriarchal for not fully appreciating it.
It's nice and warm outside. Fuck, I missed not freezing.
Addendum: I just discovered the best typo ever. In an email with a student, I meant to say "...cancel with you." Instead, I said "...cancer with you". Hmm. Wonder what's on my mind.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Mar. 04
Woo, all caught up.
Tomorrow, I will take my chances with the nausea and not take my third round of Kytril. I woke up and felt fine. A few hours later, I realised I forgot to take the Kytril. I took it, and promptly felt like crap.
This round of chemo went alright. I slept right through. Talking about it makes me want to throw up.
I need sleep. I want to go to the gym. That makes me happy...
I really feel the urge to cook. I hope my tastebuds return to normal soon...
Tomorrow, I will take my chances with the nausea and not take my third round of Kytril. I woke up and felt fine. A few hours later, I realised I forgot to take the Kytril. I took it, and promptly felt like crap.
This round of chemo went alright. I slept right through. Talking about it makes me want to throw up.
I need sleep. I want to go to the gym. That makes me happy...
I really feel the urge to cook. I hope my tastebuds return to normal soon...
Mar. 03
Internet is back. Due to some OCD-like compulsion, I'm blogging retroactively. It's as though a missed day of blogging constitutes some minor betrayal, and must be punished severely.
March 02 was my mother's birthday. Happy birthday, mom!
March 03 was chemotherapy. Fuck you, chemo!
March 04 is my sister's birthday. Happy birthday, Diana!
Life goes on.
March 02 was my mother's birthday. Happy birthday, mom!
March 03 was chemotherapy. Fuck you, chemo!
March 04 is my sister's birthday. Happy birthday, Diana!
Life goes on.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Mar. 02
My wireless connection is fucked. I'll update retroactively tomorrow, provided I get somewhere with net access.
FML, etc.
FML, etc.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Mar. 01
I will once again whine about how these last two weeks flew right by, and I am nowhere near ready to go for another round of chemotherapy. I'm terrified of the very strong likelihood of nausea and/or vomiting. I just find it ironic that it's not the chemotherapy that'll be making me ill, but rather the heparin.
I go for bloodwork in the morning, and I'll ask them to draw from my arm. That allows me to a) stave off the heparin for another day, b) not have an uncomfortable chunk of plastic sticking out of my chest for over 24 hours and c) not deal with further welts and the such, as a result of my usual reaction to each and every fucking type of bandage.
Yes, I am complaining, but I'm not letting the following bring me down too much. I'm merely documenting...
The skin on my hands is fucking shot. It's dry and painful and cracking. I'm slathering on various hand creams and mositurizers, but it's not really helping for long. Ah well. Halfway through chemo and still no really ugly side-effects.
I go for bloodwork in the morning, and I'll ask them to draw from my arm. That allows me to a) stave off the heparin for another day, b) not have an uncomfortable chunk of plastic sticking out of my chest for over 24 hours and c) not deal with further welts and the such, as a result of my usual reaction to each and every fucking type of bandage.
Yes, I am complaining, but I'm not letting the following bring me down too much. I'm merely documenting...
The skin on my hands is fucking shot. It's dry and painful and cracking. I'm slathering on various hand creams and mositurizers, but it's not really helping for long. Ah well. Halfway through chemo and still no really ugly side-effects.
Feb. 28
I was looking at some pics Melissa and I took, I'd say, around august 2007. It was in my pre-halloween phase, where I had long hair and a huge beard. I can't claim it was a good look for me, but much like this mohawk, I carried on for some greater good. Can't claim to miss the whole ensemble, but in a weird way, I miss having a big ol dark beard. Now it's thinned out considerably, and the blond hair in my mustache is giving me a barely pubescent look which I can't claim to welcome. I think it would be more of a symbolic threat to shave it all off, though. Oh, body image. You rock my world.
These two weeks have flown right by. This whole month did. I really hope this keeps on going.
These two weeks have flown right by. This whole month did. I really hope this keeps on going.
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