Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Mar. 09


Mar. 09
Originally uploaded by Cancer Boy
No SSRIs for me. That's enough about that. Now onto more upsetting stuff.

I'm trying not to freak out. After all, my scans are now in less than a week. But today I found a lump on the side of my neck. It's right in the spot where I had a huge lymph node. Please please please let it be something other than a lymph node. Something benign, though.... If it is a lymph node, let it be scarred or swollen from the cold I've had. Just no more cancer. I need these fucking scans to come out clean. I really need this to end. Not only for me, but I also don't want to drag everyone through any more of this.

I was in a way preparing myself for bad news. I was trying to remember the day when I got diagnosed. November 17. Never going to live that day down, now, am I?

I honestly can't remember how that day played out, anymore. I remember being in the doctor's office, and I remember him telling me I have "Hodgkin's Disease." I remember my reaction: sarcastically belting out a monotone "Yaaaay." I was kinda relieved to know it was a curable cancer, at least. I remember him leaving the room, me wanting to cry, but not being able to. But after that, it gets choppy. I remember calling my mother, when I got to the car. I remember picking Melissa up from work that evening, and blurting it out as soon as she got in the car. I remember being really fucking calm, and looking up blog names that evening. cancerboy was taken. I remember finding a blog, last updated in 2005. The last entry said something along the lines of "...wish me luck!"

I didn't process things, because they were so alien. I don't know how I'd process things, now that I'm in the midst of it.

I also remember what I think was my fourth round of chemotherapy. Melissa and i were sitting in the chemo suite, and I looked around, and said "All these people have probably already heard the worst news of their lives."

Addendum: As a lovely side-effect to the chemo, I've now become lactose-intolerant. Basically, I have dairy, and within an hour I'm doubling over. You know what? Fuck cancer. Fuck it all night long.

5 comments:

deborah d. lattimore said...

christ in a hairnet. more finger time driving past the hospital. xoxox

Armand said...

Deborah: Christ in a hairnet? I am SO using that!:p

penguie said...

shall be thinking of you and hoping for the best. Recall having a patient for a scna to check on progres asking if there still might be something there if so to run a few more scans til the CT radiation got rid of it while trying to keep their spirits up. And if they want you to drink any more nasty crap ask if they have tasted it recently or would like to join you gastrograffin shots

Armand said...

Jen: I'm thinking they'll want me to down a liter of that stuff again, I fear. I'm supposed to not eat for four hours prior to the scan, so, yeah. Ugh. I don't wanna...

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